Complicated and long, special people only need read…….

[quietlydevastated]

My parents are wonderful people having big marriage problems. Sorry its long, I?ve not told anyone in my life??.

I've been trying to write this for a while but it?s been hard and I?ve been scared that someone in RL would recognise them from my post. However, I?m getting a bit desperate for my parents and need some guidance.

They have been together since they were 17 and 19. They have had a great marriage and we children had a great childhood. They are both really lovely people, always open to help, compassionate, sincere, hard working.

I found out last year that my dad had had an affair (don?t know for how long) 5 years ago and that my mum had found out about it about a year after. I think it was on/off for the 5yr duration. A while after, they told me my dad had left home and they have since been living secretly apart while they take stock. (My two elderly grandparents would be so shocked to hear of a split that they physically couldn?t cope so it remains secret.) My dad is having trouble knowing what to do next. Whether to try again or build a new life with this woman (a short time, once friend of my mothers ). They talk and are perfectly able to present a united front when needed. But, it has caused my mum unbearable pain and I don?t know if they could continue to be civil if he chooses to make a new life. She remains in their house and has to make up excuses on a constant basis about where he is etc.

I have told him he needs to talk about his feelings, in confidence, to someone and I suggested a counsellor. He is such a closed book about this stuff though, very traditionally male, and, after 10 months in his flat, continues to be an emotional mystery to us. I understand from my mum that he still thinks of this woman, is in occasional contact with this woman, and contemplates a life with her. She has no children, no partner and is a little older than me (I'm 33). I think of him as a good catch for her. However, he has always been a committed family man that has always been strong and known what the right thing to do is in many difficult family situations, and I think his conscience is eating away at him. I think he?s had the classic mid life crisis and is perhaps still living off the flattery of the whole thing. Or maybe I?m just seeing it from one side.

I don?t want to deny him happiness or have him living an unbearable life but I want him to really see the situation for what it is and really be sure that she is what he has been missing in 37 years of marriage. I would love to feel he was overwhelmed with love and had to have her which would make it worthwhile giving up all that he has, but I feel if he loved her so passionately and unconditionally he would have found the decision easier. (Personally, I didn?t get on with her when she was my mum?s friend and merely tolerated her ? which was before any of this began, sixth sense?)

I?m not sure this makes sense, its complicated and I?m now worse for 4 glasses of wine trying to write this??. I?m hurting for them.

Comments, opinions, suggestions, advice please, I?m lost.

That's the trouble with parents, as you get older it's easier to see their mistakes before they do and as you love them you want to look after them and help them the way that they've always helped you.
I want to give you advice but I really don't know what to say. Is there anyone that your Dad feels he can talk to? It's a truely awful situation that isn't any easier to cope with when you're an adult then it is when you're a child. I think just be there for them both.
Sorry I can't be more help just wanted to offer support.

Thank you darling, that helps x. It is a horrible situation and I don't think anyone has a recipe for making it right. Feels marginally better for sharing. Ta x.

QD, I feel very sad for you - what a horrible situation.

If I was you, I would want to say all the right things and make it better again.

But they are your parents, and I'm not sure that advice on marital difficulties should ever come from one's children.

I think what I would do is write your dad a letter. In it I would put that you feel desperately confused, and that you want everything to be right again, but that you know it's not up to you to make this happen. Then you ask him if he will try, for your sake if he won't do it for his own or your mother's, to go to Relate with your mother.

Then you tell him that you love him and you leave it at that.

I hope things get easier.

They both need to talk to someone. The best result is for both to be as happy as they can be.

If that means living apart then so be it but i dont think keeping up the pretence of being a couple is doing your mum any good tbh. How can she possibly get on with her life? Come to terms with what has happened and move on from it? She is missing out on so much from keeping this up.

And how can your Dad possibly make a balanced decision under these same conditions?

I dont believe much in "mid life crisis". And my outsiders point of view is that your Dad is an adult, and capable of making decisions - good and bad. I think he knows what he wants to do but lacks courage to do so. This is why he needs to talk it out - he is keeping too many people hanging.

MN family counselling brings tears to the eyes...... ta HM.

I can only talk to him about this by text or by phone, face to face we continue as normal. So, a letter might be the next attempt. I have said exactly what you suggested to him over the phone. He is a lovely man and we are a close family, he is so apologetic and grateful for my support (I've so far been very understanding as has my mum). I think he just finds it totally out of the question to discuss this with someone and I can't impress on him enough how much some neutral advice would be worth. Anyway, there is no easy fix and I can't make him do anything. So thanks for reading, it helps to share x.

What a horrible situation QD it really is very difficult to know what to do in this situation, think about if the roles were reversed would you want your parents to do anything or say anything and if so what?

Have you thought about printing this off and leaving it for your Dad because I think it explains how you are feeling and maybe start him thinking.

Oh, your post has so many resonances for me. My parents did this when I was in my twenties, minus the secret living apart, but my Mum kept the lengthy on-off affair secret from the whole family, except, eventually, me. I tried to talk to my Dad, I tried to support my Mum. Nothing was resolved.

Then, in a climactic eruption on Boxing day, my Mum had had enough and threw him out. I packed two shirts and pants for him, and a pack of turkey sandwiches. 8 months of supporting Mum through devastation, and v little contact with my Dad.

Then Mum crashed the car, in quite a bad smash. I had to call Dad because he had the insurance documents. Within 24 hours he had crossed the country and was back, begging her to take him back.

What am I trying to say? Sometimes, I don't think calm voices of supporting reason move things on. Maybe your parents do need something of a wrench. maybe your Mum should lose her ability to remain dignified, and cut off all contact with him. She won't win him back by being 'well-behaved' in the background.

I am so so sorry for you, it is a horrible position to be in. But although in the end the whole family went through a lot of pain (for e.g my younger sister had the floor pullled from under her - she still lived at home and Mum had not confided - to 'protect her' - she merely felt betrayed) my Mum and dad are content in thier way, still doing new things together, and in truth, my Mum is stronger and more independent than she used to be.

Something will happen with your parents - it might be best not to pour so much oil on the waters that you stifle it.

You can show your love in supporting them in what happens next.

Thanks lulabelle.

Flutterbee, I might print it off but who knows where to leave it lying, I don't even have an address for him. I only have his mobile number and once a week he pops in.

If he makes a go of it with her, I could never have her to my home or with my children etc. Is that terrible? Even if he is the best dad I could have hoped for and wish him a happy life, I couldn't have contact with her. Not just that she plays a part in my hurt but that I don't like her as a person. That would hurt him I suppose but I don't want to tell him that in case it influences his decisions and then he might limp on for a few years and we might be right back here when it gets too much for him.

I don't know if he had a problem with my mum before the affair or if the affair awakened something in him......

I'm rambling shite, ignore me.

Oh Blu, we crossed. Thanks for that. You're right. I should continue doing as I am, supporting both. My mum struggles to share some of it with me because she feels like I have enough in my own life. But I am able to divorce myself from the mum/dad thing and look at it independetly.

My DD was very ill earlier in the year and I hoped it might bring them back. It did. And when she recovered they fell apart again.

They need counselling but I can't make him go and if they got a crap counsellor first time round, my dad would never try again with someone else.

Thanks all x.

Just wanted to bump once in case anyone else has a magic wand for this type of stuff....

No magic wand, sweetheart, but still thinking of you and bumping once more xxx

quietlydevastated,

be there for your mum, be a really good friend. Even if she doesn't want to talk about her marriage, just be around and support her with your presence. I feel so sorry for her.

I really feel for you. It's so hard when you realise your parents have faults and frailties and weaknesses - I know a bit about this from my own experience, but won't go into it here. From what you write, you are already doing all you can: you are not taking sides, you are not judging, you are being as supportive as you can to both of them. I honestly don't think you can do any more, especially as your father won't contemplate counselling (he sounds like my Dad).

I agree with VVVQV that your Mum cannot 'move on' while their separation is a secret - but that is how they are choosing to proceed at the moment - and that's their prerogative, I guess.

It must be horrible for you - you're in limbo: hurting for both of them, and not knowing what the future holds. But, fwiw, you sound like a lovely daughter - they did a good job. Just sit tight, continue to be non-judgmental and neutral - and hope they can decide what they want to do. I wish you and your parents all the best.

Quietlydevestated,i know exactly how you are feeling!!Last year my dad left my mum after 36 yrs together.Must give you some backgroud...4yrs ago mum,dad me,dh and 2 children moved to a rural idyll and found property divided into 2 and lots of land and everything we have ever wanted esp him with family living next door.Last summer right out of blue he announced he was leaving as he didnt love mum and had met someone else who would give him the love and happiness he was missing!!To say we were stunned doesnt even begin to cover it!!At first i phoned him and more or less begged him to come back,we were all falling apart esp ds1 who couldnt understand where grandpa had gone as "they were friends"Every day that mum cried and cried and ds1 asked why? and i shouted at them because i was so hurt and upset, a little bit of me hated him for his selfishness.To cut a long story short i eventually wrote him aletter asking him not to contact me anymore as i couldnt cope with him being so chatty and matey and seeming to have no idea what he had done to us all.it broke my heart to have to do it but at least the anxiety was gone from the post and texts.Jike your dad mine was no way going to talk about it to anyone and there was nothing anyone could do.It was the worst time of my life and it killed me seeing mum as low as she was.Eventually he came to his senses and out of the blue again rang to say he was on his way home!!Since then he has carried on as if nothing has happened and it is never talked about.Our relationship is damaged and i dont think it will ever be fully mended.It may be that if your dad does choose a new life his conscince will not allow him to continue with it as was the case with us.Why are men so selfish and only think of their short term pleasure and not their entire life that has gone before it??I really feel for you and your family especially your poor mum.It doesnt matter how old you are,it is absolutely devestating when these things happen to your parents.My thoughts are with you x

I can't post properly as I'm rushing out the door after seeing the time! Thank you so much for your lovely words (I'm all filled up and brimming with tears about it).

Well, its been a while but I wanted to post an update, just in case anyone would like to hear a happy (ish) ending.

My parents lived apart for nearly a year and a half. They held on, by their fingernails sometimes. Something kept them clinging on and I hoped and hoped and hoped. They started having the odd lunch or dinner out together. Then my mum would mention that my dad had stayed over after bringing a meal and cooking it for her. Then he started to stay at weekends. Then he began staying long weekends. Then he popped in through the week and stayed. Just before Christmas he dropped off a huge bag of his things and asked where he could put his shaving stuff . And then he said to her that it was probably time he got rid of his other place.

They seem to be together again.

There is still work to do and I hope it continues, but, for now, I sleep more peacefully and my heart can smile again.

Thank you all for your input.

that's really good qd. you must be really relieved.

I am kind of relieved, I see they still need to work at it and they have still had no formal counselling. But yeah, its a good feeling and I'm so pleased they both felt the pull

For anyone reading whose partner has been unfaithful, sex and love are very different things and I hope all parties can see the difference.

I'm so pleased for you. I've watched my parents' marriage disintegrate over a protracted period of time and hoped for ages that they would work it out. I am glad someone else got a happy ending...

Mumpbump, its painful isn't it?

Although my Dad didn't actually go so far as having an affair, it was a very fine line and the betrayal (if you like) came in the form of constantly talking about and thinking about a woman a couple of years younger than me. My Mum was devastated; I just didn't really feel it was appropriate for my Dad to be talking to me about the other lady so asked his brother to be the sounding board instead. Mum and Dad are still together (some 3 years later) and he doesn't talk about the other lady any more although she is still in the 'scene' (at his work). It was like a teenage crush and would've been rather sweet, except for both parties' personal circumstances (ie: my Dad with Mum, the other lady with an on-off fiance). But - there was so much more at stake (history, reactions of others etc). Whatever the outcome, I would have supported both my Mum and my Dad, because this wasn't my own quarrel, it was theirs.

I'm glad your story is reaching a happier conclusion and I really think your honest, true approach was the best - as adults we can all see infallibility, can have a better insight why these things may happen... and it's just about supporting both sides towards the conclusion that's best for them.

I'm glad it's worked for you.