Marriage over - on our anniversary

[lovemenot]

Troubled marriage for over a year. Went to counseling earlier in the year but he walked out when the going got tough. Counsellor told me he felt that h has a huge emotional disconnect and cares only about his work. Since then I've detached and am working on reclaiming me and focusing on our 14 year old daughter.

In the months since counseling, he has made an effort to get on and not fight, but it's really only peacekeeping and no effort made to discuss any issues. He doesn't do family outings and I don't drink, so we haven't been out together at all.

Until tonight! Anniversary dinner and a drink afterwards. All was fine, if focused on him until I told him my dad has more cancer. He then told me that the public health system doesn't really give a toss about 81 year olds no matter how healthy they are, and that I need to organize private care as soon as possible. (My dad swims in the sea all year round!) I told him that that's not really what I need to hear right now as I'm just coming to terms with the news, that what I needed was a little comfort and reassurance. On the way home, I gently asked him why he responds the way he does, can he not see that I just need a gentle reaction to my feelings. He went mental.....said "oh yeah, I'm in the fucking wrong again, and you are always bloody right", he told me to get in the real world of practical solutions. I told him to stop shouting at me and he stormed out of the car, ranting all the way to the front door. Inside, he stomped around, muttering about him always being wrong, shouted that my brothers couldn't give a shite about my dad and would leave him to rot in the gutter (totally untrue). I told him to get over himself, that I was just looking for some emotional support but as usual there is none available.

Anyway, it went on and on in that vein, till he told me I could walk out the door any time I chose, that I was frigid, and implied I was a golddigger which is a laugh as we are broke and have been for the last four years.

I dunno what happens next, will formulate a plan over the next few days, but I'm done. Cannot live in this lonely shell of a marriage.

you've taken the first step in saying you're done.
sounds like it's time to do things for yourself and dd, and sod him.

is there anywhere you and your dd can go, just for a short time.

thinking of you op, your dd and your father.

I don't have much practical advice but I'm sorry to hear about your Dad OP and just wanted to let you know I'm thinking of you.

Agree with hufflebottom re. doing things for yourself and DD. It sounds as though your H has not put in the effort at all to improve your relationship and your doing the right thing by focusing on yourself.

Also for what it's worth I think your H is wrong about the NHS and elderly people - both what I've seen from the outside and the inside! I am sure he will be well cared for and hope you have some support too.

Wishing your Dad all the best with any treatment he may have and thinking of you and your DD.

'Counsellor told me he felt that h has a huge emotional disconnect and cares only about his work.'

TBH the counsellor sounds more than a bit crap.

What happened a year ago that you date the trouble from then?

Hope you're ok, op.

Thanks, and no, am a bit weepy right now. He hasn't said a word since he came in and I find myself fearful of trying to talk to him. Have a solicitor to call tomorrow so hopefully I can get a plan formulated.

Focussing just on the point of your discussion, wasn't he trying to be supportive? i.e. he doesn't think the nhs will do enough for you dad (he's right btw) and so you should sort out some private treatment instead. Not everyone has a high EQ, and many men especially try to suggest solutions rather than empathise when others discuss problems.

So on that point I rather think you owe him some slack. Your response completely rejected his idea to help.

It sounds like you were both hurt so it escalated.

My DH acknowledges he has low EQ, and his response to something like this would probably be to suggest urgent healthcare steps to ensure the best treatment. We've fought about this stuff in the past, but have reached a happy understanding were I know he is trying, and he'll accept that if I ask for some empathy I'm not rejecting his practical side.

Could you talk about it more, or does history make this insurmountable?

Sorry to hear about your dad.

But, are you always very emotional and unpractical?

He is right you know, about sorting out care for your dad. If he has cancer again, he may not keep swimming the oceans all year round, however much you want him to be.

I know it's hard to figure out the whole thing without any background. I'm not at all overly emotional, I'm pretty laid back and easy going.

I suppose the easiest way to explain is to describe what happened at counseling. The counselor realized we had communication issues and was working with us to improve this. We had "homework" which included the basics like always asking each other how our day was etc. A few weeks in and I was having a bad day. Told him and counselor that I was just feeling overwhelmed but I knew it was a work in progress and I wasn't giving up. Counsellor asked h to just chat to me about how I was feeling. He sat there in silence and just couldn't come up with any words. His homework was to ask me each day for a week how I was feeling, and simply listen to the answer. Fast forward to next weeks session and he had not asked the question, not once. And then told the counselor he'd had enough and wouldn't be coming again.

In the last few years, any time I have tried to talk to him about us, he shuts down, or gets aggressive. He reacts like I am criticizing when I'm only trying to chat. All arguments are sorted by me, he will never offer to discuss or apologise. I'm the one that has to offer the olive branch, always. Late last year we had another argument. I decided I was not sorting it this time, I couldn't keep carrying the one way street of apologies. So I waited for him. And I caved after 46 days - even then when I asked him to talk, he decided he wasn't going to "jump, just coz she said so".

So perhaps I did overreact last night, but it was more disappointment that nothing had changed. When I tried to gently coax him into talk, he launched into a vicious tirade.

All conversation is superficial. He has no interest in family stuff, I always take dd out on my own. There is no intimacy, no interest in who I am, what I think, or how I am, no sharing of thoughts. And I can't generate a question about who he is, what he feels without him shutting down or blowing up.

It's too lonely living like this, I'm losing me. And it's definitely not good for our dd to grow up witnessing this level of dysfunction.

You sound very unhappy, and that is no way to live. I recognise a lot of what you say - my marriage was like that was years. I wish I had ended it or mended it sooner as it was too big a waste of our lives.

From what you've written I'd say he has low EQ, so to some extent to make things work you have to accept that about him. However to make things work you have to both want to. I'm not sure either of you do.

Starting on the road to separation might be a good idea as it will crystallise everything, and time apart will be good for both of you.

I don't like your counsellor's approach though. Setting homework is infantilising your DH. I'd react badly to some stranger giving me a patronising to do list. It may be accepted practice, but I can completely understand his reaction. Did she give you any homework? Did she discuss with you about understanding that when he gives practical solutions that is his way of showing he cares? If he didn't care about you or your dad he wouldn't care if the NHS did nothing, and wouldn't have any interest in helping.

It takes two to mend a marriage. You say you have emotionally detached from him now too, so you aren't trying either any more. I think a little kindness and understanding on both sides might help.

So I tried apologising this morning for my part in all this. Apology not accepted, in fact he had another go at me. I then told him we could not continue to live like this. He said "off you go then, this is what you've had planned for years!". Paranoid much?

I'm thinking....if I had planned this for years why would I have spilled my heart through weeks of counselling? Why would I keep trying to fix things only to be called a fucking bitch again? Do I really deserve to have him approach me pointing a shaking with fury finger into my face and hissing at me?

Do you really care whether he thinks you are 'just' leaving, or whether you made plans years ago? Why does it matter?