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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Feeling a bit sad

29 replies

raciroo · 11/09/2013 22:21

I normally lurk (typical lurker, only post when looking for sympathy Blush )...

I'm feeling a bit low and overwhelmed; I have a beautiful and perfect-in-every-way baby girl who is nearly 14w, her dad and I only moved in together when we decided we'd like to try for a baby - he was going through a divorce and we both naturally assumed this would finalise before I got pregnant. Sods law being what it is, I got preggers within minutes weeks and the divorce got delayed...and delayed...until it became a real source of resentment, culminating in a pretty rubbish relationship where I have become bitter, resentful, insecure and controlling and he is a terrible communicator who thinks he's successfully juggling one million commitments when in fact they're all tumbling around him in a great big pile of shit.

Last night we had a petty row and he walked, as usual, out of the house. Normally I ring him and plead his return, but this time he was a bit aggressive and I was just too tired to bother, plus my LO needed me. Needless to say, without my instigating a conciliation, I haven't heard from him, I have no idea where he is sleeping or how he got to work with no clothes etc. Part of me is relieved to just be looking after DD and not worrying who will upset who today, but ultimately I would love to give him, me, and DD a chance at a happy relationship.

I'm not sure if I'm looking for sympathy, cynicism, practical advice, or someone to just lighten things up by taking the piss, I'll take anything you've got right now.

OP posts:
mummytime · 11/09/2013 22:27

Don't beg him to come back. If he doesn't really value you and want to be there, he will go eventually.

You can do this! You are doing really well.

Original poster
raciroo · 11/09/2013 22:31

Thanks mummytime, I know, and I shan't be asking him to return, if he does want to make a go of it it needs to come from him, I've lost so much confidence in the relationship.

OP posts:
CookieDoughKid · 11/09/2013 22:32

The divorce will go through eventually I'm sure. Why do you feel resentment about the divorce? He should be protecting you from the grief. Has he been in touch?

Original poster
raciroo · 11/09/2013 22:37

I met him 4 years ago, he told me he was divorced, but once it was clear he and I were getting serious he confessed that he had never actually formally divorced due to finances, so started the process about 12 months ago. At first I didn't doubt it but then he seemed to be dragging his feet and he is still very much in touch with the ex, has keys to the house, and I suspect is probably there right now. Now I wonder if he was hedging his bets!

He has not been in touch since walking out yesterday evening.

OP posts:
bestsonever · 11/09/2013 22:48

So he lied to you about being divorced until he'd hooked you in ? Not surprising there is resentment. It would be entirely reasonable to not let him back in your life until he becomes the divorced man he pretended to be. 4 years on and still got the house keys is a v bad sign, are you sure he was even separated when you met? Does he have DC's with his wife which would necessitate keeping in touch with her? If not then that would be a really bad sign too as there is no excuse for not moving on other than not wanting to let go so that leaves you in the role as OW, inadvertantly :-o.

Original poster
raciroo · 11/09/2013 22:56

Besttsonever, yeah he lied about a few things! He has 4 DCs, one of whom is under 16 and so obviously still at home, hence the access, as he 'babysits' every other weekday evening as the ex(to-be) works shifts. I should probably also add that he did not move out of the marital home, they split it in half...I know it sounds ridiculous now I write it, but it is true, his DS4 has clearly been used to them living together but apart for at least 5 yrs. Having said that, I do feel that I have been hoodwinked into OW-ness, and now me and my LO are just the Other Family!

OP posts:
CookieDoughKid · 11/09/2013 23:00

What about finances op? Do you intend to go back to work? Does he support his ex in anyway? Its worth strategising so that you feel empowered. The more empowered u feel, the less reliant you are on him, the less you care about him and thus, it might make his realize you can live without him. Hard to do when you have such a young baby. For now, I would concentrate on your baby, enjoy this time as it is so precious. In the meantime, start strategising and saving as much money as u can. It buys you options.

CookieDoughKid · 11/09/2013 23:02

I'm not advocating to leave him BTW but you want to bring your hubby back down to earth I.e. you won't be treated like a door mat, he has responsibilities, and make it clear to him, you are not one to mess with.

Original poster
raciroo · 11/09/2013 23:10

CDK, I would love not to go back to work but I am in a position where I can/will. He supports ex totally, paying all household bills, and all DC costs for youngest, as well as one DD in Uni. I have no doubt he would help support our DD too, so I am really fortunate in that respect, and, yes, it helps my mental state massively, as the financial implications aren't particularly limiting.

I think mostly I'm overwhelmed by the thought that he doesn't love DD or me enough to ride out this tough time, and that it took me so long to decide I was with someone I wanted a child with, and yet I've managed to make a monumental arse of it all.

OP posts:
Diagonally · 11/09/2013 23:40

Do his children know about you and their half sister?

Have they met you / DD?

BigPawsBrown · 11/09/2013 23:44

You need to learn how to communicate with each other. You haven't learnt yet. It can be done. Read a book (stop arguing start talking is good), don't raise things in heat of moment, wait and discuss when calmer, write down everything you love about him now and extend the olive branch and get him home.

FetchezLaVache · 11/09/2013 23:59

I wondered the same as Diagonally. Seems strange that he goes back to the marital home to spend time with his youngest DC- why does DC not come and stay with you?

Original poster
raciroo · 12/09/2013 09:01

Diagonally/Fetchez, Yes, all his DCs know and have met me & our DD barring the oldest DD who refuses to meet or have anything to do with his 'other' life. The ex won't allow the Ds to stay with us, but he does come around for one evening a week. The ex has dictated everything and OH has gone along with it to have a quiet life.

BigPaws, I know, we're terrible communicators, I used to try to talk and had limited success with a more structured approach; of course since DD came along, finding the time to have a proper, calm sit down has been so hard, but you are absolutely right, it's what we must do. However, I feel like I need him to make the first move on this occasion, just to know he wants to, and isn't just going along with it, as he seems to do with much of his personal life (in work he's direct and assertive, but he seems to have a blind spot/total meltdown when it comes to assertive women!!).

OP posts:
CookieDoughKid · 12/09/2013 10:50

I would try and find a family counsellor that has experience in mediating between the two of you. It may help your dh to listen to a professional. It sounds a bit mad but some people would be more open to talking and gaining advice from a 3rd party, qualified professional vs listening to their other halves.

Original poster
raciroo · 12/09/2013 14:26

I've reached the same conclusion, I think he would definitely respond more positively to a professional. Let's just hope he re-appears one day so that we can at least try!

I have to say to all, thanks so much for being so supportive and constructive, I've felt so much better for being able to talk and listen with people other than my well meaning, but somewhat biased, family and RL mates Wink

OP posts:
hellsbellsmelons · 12/09/2013 14:44

He's still not back?
From Tuesday night!!
This whole thing doesn't sound good to be honest.
If he just flounces out every time you have a disagreement how on earth are you meant to resolve it???
Do not give in this time.
It's certainly his turn to contact you.
Just so you have some re-assurance, it might be worth talking to solicitor to see what sort of maintenance you would get if you were to split up.
Oh and don't forget - he's a big liar!!!

AnyFucker · 12/09/2013 16:34

He's gone back to his number one family ?

Original poster
raciroo · 12/09/2013 16:34

No Hellsbells, he's not back. For all the crap we've given each other I think it's pretty shit that he hasn't even been in touch to check we're ok.

I fully intend to not give in, I have more important things to do and if he thinks I have the time or inclination to eek a discussion out of him he can eff right off.

I'd get CSA and financially I'd be ok, not that I've been doing the maths or owt...

OP posts:
CookieDoughKid · 13/09/2013 11:33

Is he back yet? What exactly are his problems? Does he not one want your baby? If I were you, I would not let him back in the house!! He'd have to beg!!

Have his stuff in bin bags outside his door and if he REALLY wants to get back with you and work things out AND SEE HIS KID, then he should be demonstrating willingness. THEN you guys can talk.

[My dp did that once to me and I emailed all his colleagues, his boss, text his entire phone book of friends AND all his family - I kid you not!! -I made myself out as a hellcat yes but hey - it brought deep shame on my dp when he realised he had fucking responsiblities!! Not advocating that you do that op Grin]

Sorry OP, I feel quite angry on your behalf.

Original poster
raciroo · 13/09/2013 13:43

He has called back this morning to get some stuff, and to see DD. We spoke briefly and I told him I would like to try to work things out but that I really didn't know what he wanted, and that I had a lot of built up resentment and mistrust.

I also feel angry on my behalf (?!) - it devastates me that he seemingly can walk away from his responsibilities and the people he claims to care about so very easily.

BUT...being totally honest, I have been a complete nightmare to live with, particularly of late, and I think the reality is that I played a pretty big part in this!

His lack of communication and the ability he has to be totally practical/objective/blunt, and unable to speculate, hypothesise or generally just provide emotional support, has been tough for me to deal with. My worst traits, controlling, snipey, dramatic...have been exacerbated and I guess tuesday night was the last straw for him.

I think I'm going to have to make some effort if this is to work, but I'm not chasing, we'll see if seeing us just now has any effect.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 13/09/2013 14:27

Why do you want him ?

He sounds awful

Original poster
raciroo · 13/09/2013 14:36

Oh dear AnyFucker, he's really not awful, if I've made it sound that way it's cos I'm so bloody bitter just now.

He's military...which may go some way to explaining the curious detached way he has. But he has been fantastic in many ways and very very good for me.

Lately I've just wanted to gouge his eyes out, and had a good old go at it on Tuesday.

OP posts:
pregnantpause · 13/09/2013 14:50

I think rather little of any man who acts as a spare part in parenting. He left for three days with no consideration to seeing his daughter, no care as to you and whether you were okay to look after her (you may have been distressed at his desertion) Then he pops back to pick up some stuff? Well how very generous of him. He's not seen or heard about his dd in three days and doesn't give a shit. Doesn't sound like a good man to me.

hellsbellsmelons · 13/09/2013 15:18

You have a new baby, probably get little sleep and your emotions will be all over the place.
As your partner and the father he should be doing all he can to make you feel better and he should be putting up with your emotions and trying to help you through them.
Not bloody well walking out for 3 days.
What a cock!

AnyFucker · 13/09/2013 16:23

This man is not good for you