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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Whose opinions are more valuable to you? Your family's or your friends'?

17 replies

chicaguapa · 11/09/2013 16:50

I've been NC with my dad for over 3 years and my sis for 1 year. Both have treated me like shit for years and I finally had enough of it. But overall the lack of respect and support I get from other members of my family is staggering.

My mum never ever supports me in anything (except going NC with my dad) and she always takes the side opposite to mine. I feel like she just doesn't understand me.

My brother sits on the fence, but he doesn't support me in going NC with my dad (but understands why I'm NC with my sis).

Literally the only people in my 'family' who respect & support me are DH and SIL (brother's wife). I put 'family' like this because they are not supposed to do this through blood, but because they have chosen to. Which may seem a strange viewpoint, but it backs up the point I'm trying to make.

I have lots of very good friends. Ones that do support me and back me up with decisions and views. I feel they respect me and many would walk over coals for me. In the same way as DH & SIL, this is because of who I am and not because they are family and 'supposed to'.

DH completely backs up my view about how my family treat me and I'm bemused as to what I've done to warrant it. But does it matter and should I concentrate on these people who like me by choice, because of me? And ignore the fact that my own family act like they don't like me very much?

I hope that makes sense.

OP posts:

CailinDana · 11/09/2013 16:54

The person whose opinion matters is yours.

Offred · 11/09/2013 16:55

Yes, my own.

Offred · 11/09/2013 16:56

I think if your family are a hindrance to you you should reduce contact with them.

wordyBird · 11/09/2013 17:01

I would say, value the opinions of those you trust to have your best interests at heart. That trust will come from previous experience.

So if you're asking generally, that will vary from person to person.

In your case, you already know who you love and trust, and who respects and supports you. The people who like and support you by choice - whether or not you're related to them - are the ones to be close to :)

Original poster

chicaguapa · 11/09/2013 17:03

I do know my opinion is the most important. Surprisingly I have fairly good self esteem, which is why I was able to finally go NC. But I do wonder why my friends like me and treat me better than my family, who are supposed to, by definition, be nice to me, but find it hard to be so. It's inevitable to question why this might be and what is it about me that makes them behave this way.

OP posts:

Priceliss · 11/09/2013 17:05

Maybe your family have narcissistic personality disorder? Look it up and see what you think.

CailinDana · 11/09/2013 17:08

Why do you think it's you that makes them behave that way?

Original poster

chicaguapa · 11/09/2013 17:16

Yes, they probably do. My mum is definitely narcissistic and we've had a rocky relationship over the years, but we're kind of ok now. DH says she's been a lot better in recent years and I know she loves me. But I don't think she likes me very much and definitely doesn't understand me or support my values.

I know my sis & bro accept my dad's behaviour and don't understand why I am NC. He has a very abusive personality and operates under the divide and conquer rule. But now I'm NC with sis because she treats me the same way.

Most of my problems stem from standing up for myself and not letting myself being treated like shit. So I feel we spend a lot of time in conflict and that they just don't 'get me' at all. I guess on the face of it, it's a fairly textbook dysfunctional family, isn't it?

I have another thread going about a photo on a website and all my family are just like except DH, SIL & friends who are . It just made me think about it all again and wonder if I'm adopted.

OP posts:

Original poster

chicaguapa · 11/09/2013 17:25

Maybe I just wonder why the people who are closest to me; parented me or grew up with me find it hard to support me and my values, when people who don't have this bond are able to. It does on some level make me question if they know something about me that my friends (I include DH in this because he's my best friend) don't.

But that's silly really.

I have done a lot of work through this over the years and am ok really. Fundamentally I feel I'm a good person and deserve the support and loyalty of my friends. There have been some good insightful comments though that I'll take away.

OP posts:

peggyundercrackers · 11/09/2013 17:39

as is said in my place of work - opinions are like arseholes - everyone has one but its always the other persons that stinks...

opinions are just that, opinions. none of them are right or wrong - just because someone supports your view doesnt make it right and just because someone opposes you doesnt make it wrong. they just want something different from you thats all.

wordyBird · 11/09/2013 19:08

It sounds as if you've already gone into this in some depth: if you recognise narcissism in your family, this goes a long way towards explaining what's going on with them, and why they can't make normal bonds with you (ie support you, treat you kindly, take your side sometimes.)

So you can see it's probably not because they know something about you that others don't: rather that they share the same kind of dysfunction.

And you didn't warrant or deserve ill-treatment. You just happened to be there when they meted it out. :(

However we reason things out though, these things still hurt.

Priceliss · 12/09/2013 15:06

Good for standing up for yourself though.

My GF comes from a family with a TERRIBLE mother. Extreme narcissism to the point my GF had a mental breakdown 2 years ago after being raped she went home to her mums to try and get help and they said she lied about it. She then tried to kill herself and she wouldn't come to the hospital to collect her. This is after years of physical and mental abuse but she just cannot seem to cut her out her life even though I think it would be the best thing. So seriously congrats on getting out, your health and loving yourself is more important.

At the end of the day my perspective is it doesn't matter where love comes from blood or not love is love. people can come into your life and do more for you in a lifetime than actual family. I wouldn't worry about your families "distaste" of you if others around love and accept how you are. xx

GrrArgh · 12/09/2013 15:10

My mother just agrees with me whatever I say (this is because she is married to a twunt and I told her quite calmly one day that he is a twunt and a racist one at that: I think she might be scared to disagree with me now).

My father loves an argument so disagrees with me and we spar quite nicely. But, the next time I see him or hear from him, he will have completely changed his mind and will agree with me. It's most strange.

My dh is quite wise but also quite soft. I do like to hear his opinions but he wouldn't ever outright tell me I was being a twat. Sometimes I think he should.

My friends are to varying degrees wise and worldly, so I probably do, on balance, value dh's and their opinions most.

Andro · 12/09/2013 15:17

When I seek an opinion from someone else, my top 3 are my DH, my best friend (of over 25 years) and my father - honesty, integrity and common sense are what I look for and all 3 have those qualities in abundance.

CookieDoughKid · 12/09/2013 20:42

Hi OP. I completely understand where you are coming from. I think you need to realise, just because you share the same family name or have the same parents or raised the same does not necessarily make you friends. I would detach yourself and drop/ lower your expectations from these people. Then concentrate on the bonds that matter to you... Be it friends or family- you know who they are.

Lazyjaney · 12/09/2013 21:55

I think you have to pick people you trust and have got your back, and that varies for everyone.

Original poster

chicaguapa · 12/09/2013 22:18

Thanks for all your lovely replies and I've read them all so apologies for not responding to specific comments.

I have now diagnosed my sis as narc. I don't think my mum is, but she has definite traits. I spoke to my SIL and she says my bro is often on my side but just tends to lie low.

It has helped enormously as I now understand the dynamics in our family so much better and that they are probably like this with anyone who would confront them in any way. It's not me per se, but because I am the one who challenges them. The fact that my mum sides with my sister is more likely because she has always enabled my sis' narcissism, rather than that she's siding against me. Iyswim.

I also had a chat with my mum about the recent upset, and after we'd been through how this has all affected her , it turns out that she feels that it's her and sis against the rest of us.

Anyway, it has genuinely been a really useful thread. It all just makes so much sense now and I feel loads better. Thanks for taking the time to wrote such lovely, insightful and reassuring comments.

OP posts:

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