Issue with SIL, who is having a child

[DizzyKipper]

I was just wondering how other people would deal with this type of situation? Basically, I had a fight with my MIL (after putting up with MIL making lots of comments about me over the years, such as saying I'm controlling, was the reason her son failed uni, she tried to get DH to dump me right after my dad had died etc.), and because I've had a falling out with my MIL one of my SILs has decided I'm a really horrible person and that for bringing up these things with her mum I'm really vile (she's now acting as though I'm the devil incarnate and I've been made into a complete villain by them). At the time of the fight she told me I'm not allowed to be an aunt to her child, and a month later - the first time we've really had an exchange since then - she has taken the opportunity to be shitty to me once again using her child. She's due in Feb. I not sure but I can foresee this continuing after the birth of her child as well, with there being a hostile atmosphere and her making passive aggressive, shitty comments when the opportunities come up.

I also have a child of my own, she's almost 15 months - and despite falling out with her mum (and her now effectively) I've still said I wouldn't be preventing them from seeing my daughter, and have even contacted the MIL recently to see if she was free for me to bring her GD over to see her. Neither of them have ever really made much effort to see my girl, they never really text asking how she is and it's pretty much always been me having to contact them trying to arrange for them to meet up and see her - I can count on the one hand how many times MIL has tried arranging something with me. I do this out of a sense of duty, because they are my child's relatives and I wouldn't get in the way of them having a relationship, rather than from particularly wanting to.

I do kind of feel like saying "screw it, I'm not actually going to be falling all over myself to try and have a relationship with your child." As it happens I work nights, come home and have to look after a toddler, am trying to write a book which involves a lot of research at the moment, am helping my DH with a company he's starting up (also lots of research and writing!), and am also hoping to be pregnant with DC2 soon as well. We're also planning to move country within 5 years so I'll also be adding learning German to that list, along with researching and planning for our eventual move. I kind of feel like I'm busy enough already without spending effort on people who will just use any opportunity of me trying to connect to further be shitty with me! If she doesn't want me to be an auntie to her child I do kind of feel like holding my hands up and saying "fine". I'd feel sad that it had to be that way of course, I'd much prefer just to get on with them than not, and it's not like I want to or would take things out on the child once s/he's born - they are an innocent victim in this. But I can just see her turning the child against me anyway, she's already trying to use it to get at me and it isn't even born yet! I don't know how or if I'll even be able to have a relationship with him/her, particularly when/if she's intentionally trying to hold me back.

I guess what I'm asking is for anyone who's been in a similar position - of being "forbidden" to have a relationship with an inlaws child - how did you deal with it?

Where is your husband in all this?

Sympathetic. I've reassured him I wouldn't be stopping him from seeing his niece/nephew but he's said the fact is he probably would see him/her less - we don't get many weekends together so he wouldn't want to be going without me to see the child too often as he wants to spend the time together. That puts me in the position of feeling compelled to go when I'm not sure I really want to, I don't want my issues with his sister to effect his relationship with his niece/nephew. He's frustrated by his sister's behaviour and stressed by the situation in general, although has said it needed to come out - he'd been telling me to say something for quite a while but I'd been trying to deal with it and keep quiet for the sake of not making waves. I've been honest with him about how I feel - that I do regret saying anything as it just seems to have made everything worse and feel bad for the way I went about it (pretty much an explosion which is part of the trouble), but he's certain it was the right thing to do and says he prefers that it came out.

Well that's all very well. But why isn't HE stepping up to the plate and telling HIS family to sort it out and leave you alone? Why is left to you to manage HIS family?

He sounds like he's being quite cowardly about it and I would expect my DH to stick up for me and tell his family to either stop being so nasty or sod off!

We don't have anything to do with dh's brother and SIL. She often kept her children away from us and didn't allow us to be auntie and uncle to her children.

After a horrible incident in public towards my dd, I haven't spoken to her in 5 years and I don't regret it. I haven't stopped her seeing the children at the grandparents but I have asked that she isn't left alone with the children.

I do think she's narcissistic and she believes her own versions and no one else is right. She's banned MIL from seeing the children in the past when she thinks they favour my children, which isn't true.

We still send presents, but we never sign uncle or auntie on them. I know it bothers her as she sends cards from the "cousins" and highlights the word cousins. My children are her childrens only cousins so it will be a big loss for her and them.

Dh wanted to cut contact a lot sooner than we did, it was only because of me that we continued to see them. FIL did try to tell us to sort it out but I warned him to keep out of it otherwise we could become strained with them.

I know the inlaws find it hard but they don't pressure us anymore and we have a good relationship with them. You don't seem to have that with MIL.

He did do that for the initial fight - he's definitely not shy about telling his family what he thinks let me reassure you He also went a few weeks without talking to his mum when she was trying to split us up. For this latest comment though I told him not to - it would have just started a fight and not really gotten anywhere. Part of the issue is his mum has decided that I've brainwashed him and turned him into a really horrible person (her words), so any time he goes against them - even when I'm not involved and don't even have any idea it's going on - it comes back as a reflection on me and what a diabolical, evil controlling genius I am (apparently) who's managed to poison their son/brother and make him into such a horrible person. In that way his involvement doesn't really help, it's just further evidence to them of how horrible I am.

No I've never really had a good relationship with MIL, she was oblivious to this though and was always telling people how much I loved her. I don't really understand how you can make comments like she has and yet still think you'll be loved by that person. She was genuinely surprised when I told her how I felt about all the things she's said over the years and then proceeded to call me pathetic, nasty and vile.

I agree with Squitten there.

Why are you being left to deal with HIS family, when they behave like this?
Why is he sitting there watching, as his sister bans his wife from seeing his niece or nephew?
Why has he not put his mother straight regarding her comments about your relationship? Her meddling?

Why is he taking a back seat?

Ah I cross posted!

Hmm...well as I see it, there is fuck all you can do, but avoid them and live your life with minimal contact. Sorry.

Thanks, I do think I will be transferring the onus onto them for getting in contact to see DD - since they don't make much effort that will mean much less contact, though nI already know that will be shown as me stopping them from seeing her (rather than them just not making en effort). I could probably quite happily go the rest of my life without seeing them but tbh don't want them left alone with my daughter, so if she sees them I probably will too.

I really think you have 'done your bit' at trying to promote family unity and GP contact for your child - and now it is time to step back.
There is no need for further comments, or stating your position to his family. There is no need to throw down a gauntlet of "I'm not seeing you". There is no need to ban anyone from anywhere or anything.
Simply stop making the effort.

If they want to make contact and see you, fine. They can contact you come to you, and behave themselves in your home - when the penny finally drops that they haven't seen their GC.
You have a busy life, and a happy family unit. Just enjoy it, and stop chasing them.
If your DH wants to do something with them, or arrange something - fine. Go. Don't be stroppy. Play nice.
Just stop making any effort to arrange/plan or (most of all!) explain yourself.

Admire the baby if you see it. Give a gift from you all when it is born.
Other than that.
Stop making the effort.

And remember to .....breathe.

Thanks MissManaged, I shall follow your advice! Low self esteem problems and a lot of near EA when young makes me always feel like I have to explain myself, definitely need to stop doing that!

Well it seems no matter what you do, you're the villain of the piece, and their minds are made up about that. They are determined to demonise you, and that will most likely continue.
I wonder if this would have happened to any woman he chose to marry?

Totally agree with missmanaged there.
My relationship (such as it is) with fil and his wife isn't great. I just rise above the whole thing, and leave the ball in their court. I am always courteous and pleasant to them, while extricating myself politely as quickly as possible.
I think they're a pair of self absorbed gits, but I don't let them bother me. I have tried in the past to promote good relations, but it fell flat...so I just untethered that boat and let it drift...serene as you like.

Sometimes there's nothing you can do. x

Well his mum never liked any of his girlfriend's except for one (not me), and when she apparently snubbed his mum his mum has now "seen what she's really like." So I like to think so.

*girlfriends

Nothing you can do except get to MN for a moan and some sage advice Thanks all, I'm feeling much better this morning.

Just keep repeating NERDS, in your head

Never
Explain
Reasons, and
Don't
Suck-up

Worked for me!!

Yes...no doubt.

I once nearly embarked on a relationship with a nice enough fella waaaay back...but after meeting his mother, changed my mind. She had three sons, and it was evident she was a my-precious-son you-wanton-hussy type of mother.
He thought she was marvellous. No ta!

It is good that you have the support of your dh...I do too. You can live without them. x

Wow I think you have been brilliant. I've been in a similar situation, i was the wrong skin colour for DH's family, so they tried to split us up, etc. Regular contact started when our twins were babies, but due to shitty behaviour (not actually so much to do with our relationship, just in general tw us as a family) we have now fallen out with them altogether. I took the view that if they wanted to treat us like that, we were having nothing to do with them and they haven't seen us or their grandchildren since. I admire you for trying to maintain the contact in such a difficult situation, but there is only so much you can do, and I would def pass the onus to them to reach out.

Tbh is it a really good thing for your dcs to have a relationship with PIL & SIL who will, wo a doubt, tell them that you are a bad person?

As a child, I went to see my grand mother a few times a year with my parents. I have always felt uncomfortable, very uncomfortable. But as a child, I couldn't put my finger on why.
Turns out that my grand mother had been vile to my mum when my parents got married, told her many many nasty things (such as what your MIL says about you, she wasn't goo enough for her son, she was a less than nothing etc...) but my parents tried hard to keep some sort of contact with them. I think my mum thought my dad ought to keep some relation with his mum and pushed him. And also that I should have a chance to have a relationship with my grand mother (and her with me).

The result?
I hated going there. I never had a relationship with her. Even now thinking about her makes me uncomfortable. My mum also told me about instances when she was also vile to me (eg gifts for everyone except me as a child, at a time when I was still believing in Santa. Of course, I couldn't understand why he had come for everyone but not me).
I am not sure what my parents and esp my dad got out of that arrangement. maybe the feeling that he still have some relationship with his mum (hard to go NC). maybe the sense he filled his duty as a son?
But for me, I got very little out of it and certainly not the feeling that she was part of 'family' iyswim.

Rise above it. You can only wonder at the arrogance of people who think you'll be diminished by them shunning you. Researching our family tree (amateurishly) this seemed to happen every generation with at least one branch of the family so you're not alone. As long as DH remembers why your reluctance to engagement any further with SIL and MIL began, you don't have to justify keeping at a safe distance to anyone else.

engage not engagement stupid auto-correct.

Sorry that you're going through all this. I have similar problems (won't go into too much detail on a public forum), and it is very difficult to just let go and stop making the effort. I stopped bothering a year or so ago. My situation was slightly different as other family members were making excuses for the one that doesn't like me and it took them a few years to admit that actually, she just doesn't like me and no one really knows why.

It does mean that my DDs don't have a relationship with some family members, and that makes me sad, but I have wasted so much time and energy trying to get this person to like me, trying to figure out what I've done wrong, being accused of 'upsetting her' for no particular reason when she had said some pretty nasty stuff to me.... I just gave up in the end and I'm happier for it. But it wasn't easy to do and it took me a while to build up to it.

I hope you manage to find a solution that works for you, your DH and your DD- those are the important people here!

The way I see it is, some people are vile and other poor unfortunates are related to them.
If anyone at all said things like that to you, you would stop seeing them. BIL's wife and I have stopped making an effort with MIL. We don't refuse to see her but we don't arrange to see her either, we leave that to her. As a consequence, we don't see her for weeks at a time which suits us both fine! She prefers to spend time at SILS' with her children because SIL's FIL is famous and she thinks people like that have more value ( while purporting to be a Christian)
Imagine if someone who was nasty to you at school had a baby. You wouldn't be particularly bothered about that baby or play auntie to them. And she's not even your sister, she's your dh's sister. If he wants a relationship with her, fine, leave him to it.