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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

He's witholding intimacy - not sure if on purpose or what :-(

25 replies

Narcastistia · 11/09/2013 07:37

We've kind of fallen into this situation where it's only ever me that gets bothered by no intimacy. I think he cottoned on to this early on and realised it was a way in which to get one over on me. So for the past few months I've had to instigate sex and I'd say I'm successful around twice a week depending on how he's feeling.

At the weekend he got really drunk and we had a big argument in which he said he would not be having sex with me at all for the next month at least because of my behaviour. (it was him that got too drunk and went mental at me for no reason, I honestly didn't do any provoking) so this kind of proves to me that he has it in his head that he can use sex to punish me. When he'd sobered up he apologised and said it was not true, he was just trying to upset me. I was fuming and he knew it.

Anyway, we've not had sex since. I tried to instigate it last night and he said he was tired and had too much on his mind - at the back of MY mind I'm wondering if this is my "punishment" taking place and it's making me feel like shit.

OP posts:

Original poster

Narcastistia · 11/09/2013 07:43

And I suppose what I'm asking is, how do II stop trying to instigate all the time when I crave the closeness and intimacy so much? :-( I want to strip him of the power but once we get to bed I just turn into a subserv idiot. I want to stop wanting it. I want to see him panic when I no longer want it.

OP posts:

sydlexic · 11/09/2013 07:48

My first ever, LTB.

EhricLovesTeamQhuay · 11/09/2013 07:55

You're in an abusive relationship so I would say he is definitely using withholding intimacy to control and punish you. You can't get the power back with an abusive man, that's a dangerous game to play. And the fact that you are talking about wanting him to panic shows that you are trying to play his games back to him. It will end in tears (yours)
Anyone who has read your other thread will not give you advice on how to play games or 'win' against your H.
You crave intimacy because you are a normal, loving human. You crave his affection because he withholds it and because you have possibly tied your self esteem to his approval. You need to unpick your motivations and try to detach emotionally from him. Would you contact women's aid for a chat? Just to talk things through.

Fragglewump · 11/09/2013 07:59

No point playing games with a tosspot! I think you are better off without him.

Havea0 · 11/09/2013 08:01

A difficult question to ask, but do you think he loves you?

Repeatedlydoingthetwist · 11/09/2013 08:02

You don't stop. You leave him.

Original poster

Narcastistia · 11/09/2013 08:40

He says he does love me and swears its true but I have my doubts. I think he's with me because its easy. He's very concerned with his image and would hate to have to tell everyone that we'd broken up. He would also have to sell his beloved house as I help to pay for it

OP posts:

Havea0 · 11/09/2013 08:53

I think that you need to have a very full and frank discussion. Where you tell him what you will absolutely not accept in your marriage.

Maybe he doesnt really know if he loves you or not.

If you have the discussion, it may make him realise that he does.

Agreed that this is all a bit of a gamble. But my guess is that he does love you.

Wellwobbly · 11/09/2013 09:06

This is deliberate. It is passive aggressive, and that is very hard to deal with because often their anger is so repressed they will deny till the ends of the earth that they are anything but cool calm and collected.

Withholding is a control thing.

I think it is time for a full and frank discussion, and counselling. And then if he denies his hidden aggression, then you are going to have to consider whether you can live like this.

You will have to be prepared to lose the relationship for things to change, OP.

Please don't underestimate how CRUEL passive aggressive behaviour can be.

Original poster

Narcastistia · 11/09/2013 12:01

Well thinking about it it must be one of two things:

It's deliberate to get at me

He just doesn't enjoy sex with me.

I know it must be one of these because his excuse about being tired just doesn't cut it when he deliberately goes to bed late and then plays on his phone or laptop in bed. I tired person would go to bed earlier and not play around on gadgets in bed and a person who knew that lack of intimacy was affecting their partner would surely put her before Candy Crush/BattleField?

Also - he uses porn when he can get away with it (promised me he'd stop but I sometimes find traces of it around) so it's not as if he has a complete lack of sex drive is it. Therefore of he's not tired (or making sure he only comes to bed when absolutely exhausted) and he doesn't have a general lack of sex drive (as he uses porn) - whatever it is - it must be something to do with me.

OP posts:

Havea0 · 11/09/2013 12:12

I guessed that he was using porn.
I dont know much about it, only what I have read on MN really. But it seems to me that porn is used as a substitute for sex. Or even almost totally replacing sex. To the point of that he doesnt need it from you. And therefore can also control you that way.

EhricLovesTeamQhuay · 11/09/2013 12:12

It's not to do with you, it's to do with his desire to control and punish you. Don't make it a failing of you, it's all him.

Twinklestein · 11/09/2013 12:12

Ehric says you're in an abusive relationship above - is that right? How does the abuse manifest?

JoinYourPlayfellows · 11/09/2013 12:21

"he said he would not be having sex with me at all for the next month at least because of my behaviour. "

That was the moment your relationship died.

Just get away from him.

You will never have a healthy sexual relationship with a man who could say something like that.

peedoffbird · 11/09/2013 12:33

Hang on though. I'm not suggesting this is true in your case but if I felt unhappy with my dp and he had done something to hurt me I would not want to sleep with him for a while either. However I would not be putting a time limit on it.

JoinYourPlayfellows · 11/09/2013 12:34

If you use sex to punish your husband for displeasing you, you should really stop.

peedoffbird · 11/09/2013 12:43

Really? So you would go ahead and be intimate even though you were really hurt. Must be me then because I can't do it when I'm upset.

JoinYourPlayfellows · 11/09/2013 12:47

I don't use sex to punish my husband.

There is a difference between not wanting to have sex because you are hurt and upset and withdrawing sex to punish.

SirRaymondClench · 11/09/2013 15:25

Did you have another thread about him running at the weekend Op?

str8tothepoint · 11/09/2013 16:14

grow up and stop playing childish games to get your way, and your power over him. you clearly don't want to be with him no more, people in love don't play games against each other.

Dahlen · 11/09/2013 16:52

When I started reading your post I was going to say that you were the unreasonable one based on the fact that you said you were successful in instigating sex about twice a week, which implies that you are trying a lot more than that.

As I read on, I changed your mind. Admitting he's witholding sex (as opposed to not feeling like it because he's upset) is very wrong. Sex in a healthy relationship should never be regarded as a bargaining tool but as a mutually enjoyable activity for both partners.

The reference to another thread (which I haven't read) and porn make me suspect that there is a whole lot more wrong with this relationship that this is merely a snapshot of.

lovemenot · 11/09/2013 17:21

My dh decided to end our sex life because it was too sporadic. He did this without discussion on how to improve things, and as usual he neglected to tell me about "his" decision.

Our marriage is slowly dying.

OP, power games are cruel, don't play them or you will get hurt.

comingintomyown · 11/09/2013 18:16

This is the closest match to my XH I have seen on MN although he would never have said out loud that he was withholding sex and I was just left wondering why he didnt fancy me any more.

I should have left at that point because the whole subject caused me pain throughout our years together

I too will award my first ever LTB

TalkativeJim · 11/09/2013 18:20

GET RID.

He's a tosser!

mammadiggingdeep · 11/09/2013 19:30

My ex p started withholding affection and intimacy after dd1 was born.....for a year I thought it was me...too much baby fat, too flabby (even though I got pre baby weight)....only now, 3 years on from when he first started to be like that and 6 months post split do I realise it was totally a control thing. Something about your post makes me think that too. It's not that he's not attracted to you....it's a way of belittling you. Does he do this in any other way? Does he make you feel unworthy/worthless in any other aspect of life?

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