Am I right to have behaved/responded like this?

[AuchAyethenoo]

A little back story:

Our gorgeous little squidge who is now 8 months old is suspected of having cerebral palsy. I noticed about 7 weeks ago that her development was quite delayed so took her to the GP who ordered a referral for diagnostic testing but also intimated that she feels squidge has CP.

My world was understandably destroyed. I went home to tell dp who could not have been more neutral, I put this down to shock. Over the last 7 weeks which is unforgivably long to wait in limbo wondering wether your child has brain damage or not, I have been in turmoil. All the questions you can possibly imagine going through my head.

During this time I tried countless times to seek support from dp which was not forthcoming, he would not even discuss it. I spent hours upon hours online researching phyisio movements that I could do with her to help loosen her up etc.

Last week I say to him, right squidge's appointment is next week, we should write out our concerns etc, he tells me he doesn't know anything about it and that I should just do it.

It all came lto a head last night, after he sat reading my list of concerns he says to me that he thought I was just making a big deal of it and had exaggerated my worries. He changed his mind after reading the list.

He then tells me that he didn't get the day off for her appointment, that he got 2 hours and he will get us 20 minutes before the appointment, which is a 15 minute ride away, during which we also have to drop off our 3 year old and find a parking space, in other words we would be very late.

I went ballistic! I feel he has abandoned not only me but our baby during the most difficult 7 weeks of our lives. That he gives her appointment such little importance he thins it appropriate to only give it 2 hours and doesn't consider it enough that we would be significantly late.

I raved and ranted, told him I was disgusted that work was his priority and not our baby daughter, that he would have been as well not coming so he didn't let is work colleagues down, but it's fine to let us down.

Am I wrong here?

You are not wrong, I am so sorry you are in this situation. It sounds like he is heavily in denial - he want to put his finger in his ears & go 'la,la,la, it's not happening'. This is understandable, but no help for you.

I know it is so hard, but can you try talking to him again, not shouting, and explaining that he has to take the day off work for this, it is not negotiable. This is essential for both of you, as you will never forgive him if he does not take a day off and you get the diagnosis you fear. In his denial, shouting leads to barriers, try talking.

In the end, he has to take responsibility as an adult for how he behaves and he will let you & his child down badly if he doesn't step up.

I am so sorry, take care.

I'd tell him to contact work again, and get the day off, or you'll call them yourself!

He needs to take his head out of his arse and support you.

Or else!

sorry to hear about your baby's health issues.

I don't think he doesn't care.
people react differently to bad news. some people are in denial about things like this and other stuff too - and yes, that can go on for months even years.

also as you spent ages researching stuff perhaps he felt he didn't need to. it is only too natural for one person to get "passionate" about something and the other one tries to pull back to keep some sort of balance - I always think that there's no point for both of us to go hysterical, especially if nothing actually happened yet.

I do understand your disappointment and frustration, but as you said yourself he didn't realise how serious the situation might possibly be.

of course you need his support as you are scared out of your mind and it would be great if he could go with you to the appointment.
is there any chance he could take the day off - say due to a family emergency?

I do hope your child is ok, but if they find a problem you will need each others support more than ever so please try and not get angry with him. give him a chance to make things better.

again I'm sorry you are so worried and upset.

You're absolutely right!

It's his baby's health. Nothing at work is more important than that.

So sorry you're having such a tough time

You're going through a really stressful time so no I don't think it is 'wrong', it is understandable from what you've said. I don't have direct experience of this, but I didn't want to read and run. I think he must be stressed and upset too but possibly trying to supress and deny it. Denial is one way people deal with this kind of news. I'm not saying it's right and he will need to step up to the mark. It isn't good enough to heap the responsibility all on to you. But maybe he needs a bit more time to process it all? Perhaps you should say how you feel, and what you need from him again but when you are both calm?

Have you posted on other boards, maybe the SN board? I hope the appointment goes OK. XXX

I'm sorry, I know it's bad form to discuss previous threads but your partners behaviour in relation to your child's appointment is the least of your problems. He is a selfish, controlling bastard.

You really would be better off without him

You are understandably upset, but there is a middle ground.

2 hours may not be enough, but the whole day is not necessary either.
Try to calm down and insist that he takes at least another hour, or half the day.

It sounds like you two are reacting on opposed extremes.
You are terribly concerned and he is probably trying to wish it away.

It is a difficult time for both and you both need to meet somewhere in the middle.
Maybe ask for counselling if you can't otherwise?

He may need to be very factual and learn what can be done about it.
You may need some reassurance.

I think that given your opposite reactions it's easy to be upset by each other and move towards the extreme positions as a reaction to each other.

No you are not wrong, but then I suspect your dh is in denial because as far as he is concerned there is nothing wrong with your dd and he does not want to hear a dr tell him otherwise. He has buried himself in work where you have been researching the subject. My dh was the same when at 4 weeks old our ds was diagnosed with a hearing loss, it took a further 6 months to establish how much of a loss as it was fluctuating. I researched and researched so I could go into appointments prepared with questions and prehaps i over did my research and over thought stuff. My dh never asked anything or attended appointments, he stuck his head in the sand....I made him come to our ds's hearing aid fitting which is when it hit him and he had to deal with it, now though he is great. For some men this is just there way of dealing with bad news about their children, I'm not saying its right, but.... Good luck with your appointment. Xx

I think you need to try to get your head round the fact that your husband will not ever be a proper, supportive, loving husband. He's an abusive tosspot so all bets are off when it comes to shitty behaviour. Sorry x

He has already gone to work.

I've tried so hard to support him through this, he did the same thing in both my pregnancies as soon as things got tough he shuts down and leaves me to get on with it.

Our baby has RSV at 6 weeks old, I said repeatedly that I wasn't happy with her not coping with the cough etc. I ended up leaving the house without him knowing took her to the out of hours where she was blue lighted on oxygen to hospital where she stayed for 5 days.

I know he struggles with things like this, but my patience can only stretch so far.

Am I being unfair to him, to expect him to be able to change how he deals with an emotional crisis? Part of me thinks I am, I know this is what he does so I should just accept it. Then I think, this is his daughter and she needs him, it's just not acceptable regardless of how hard he finds it.

My mum has been amazing throughout this time, she has been my shoulder, my soundbox, everything really. So I have had support, which I'm thankful for.

I just feel very alone in this. Yes he is struggling with it, but do I just accept that?

Oh love. I've been in this situation too. Can remember speaking to another friend also going through it- both of our husbands reacted similarly to yours. Massive denial

On top of everything else- the shock, the grief for the baby i didn't have, the crushing fears of what life was now going to be like for all of us, felt v frustrated and angry at my husband's inertia and lack of support for me. I was also dealing with post natal depression- how could he not step up to the plate?

It took time and some counselling before I could understand that just because we were going through the same thing, it didnt mean our reactions were the same. He also needs to come to terms with it in his own way.

Do you have any other friends/ family in RL you can reach out to for support? I found that a real help. Also SN forums and talking to others facing similar. Feel free to PM me if you like

Do whatever you need to do, day at a time, to get through this. It's the v worst time. Things will get better.

What you said about the breathing problems she had is more of concern.

I'd think a normal person would at least step up then.

If he freezes and denies it, then he needs proper therapy.
What if he had been in charge?

You may need to insist that he seeks help to deal with these situations and be a parent.
That's ultimately what it boils down to.

He is not there to support you. He's her dad and he should act like it.

First of all, I'm so sorry you're going through this . It must be an incredibly worrying time.

I do think your Dp cares, but as others have said, shutting off from the situation might be the only way he feels he can cope. Also with regards him not taking the day off, could it be that at the moment he feels that work is the only space where he has some control? He can't do anything to change what is happening to your poor Dc, but at work he can still affect what happens.

Try speaking to him and asking him to try to get a little longer off work, remind him that you're scared too, but that feeling that way is ok, you just need to support each other as a family. I really hope you're ok.

I've tried calling him, it's just ringing out.

What can I do!?

I feel so very abandoned. I've been left to deal with everything on my own and even now he has accepted the gravity of the situation he is still absent.

I feel like giving up. Is it not enough that I have three children to look after, have been solely dealing with the baby's physical issues, all the worry, but I now have to deal with his lack of participation.

I'm only one person, I can't handle it all alone.

It's the fact that this isn't the first time I've felt monumentally let down my him.

He was the same in both pregnancies, when baby had RSV and when she was admitted to special care at 5 days old.

Baby was extremely jaundice, dp was at work, I get a call saying her jaundice test came back severely high to drop everything and get her to scbu. I call dp to tell him, he decides to finish the rest of his shift (4 hours) then eventually shows up at the hospital with our new or seriously ill in an incubator.

Is this behaviour normal?

Newborn

How is he at normal times with the children and you?

When is the appointment?

Don't call him at work, unless there's an emergency.
Chances are he's in a meeting, out of ear range, or busy.
He won't appreciate discussing these things while he's at work (I wouldn't).

You will need to address his responses and his behaviour without ranting, but with assertiveness.

This is not normal behaviour.

This is so sad. My H is not by any means perfect - but when our DD was a tiny baby she was also hospitalised. he completely took over the care of our other child, came to hospital every day, brought me everything i needed and was totally amazing.

To abandon not only his wife, but his child in this way is selfish. I think he is looking ahead and seeing what cold be a difficult time and id opting out. he doesn't want the SN child, the hospital visits, the specialist visits etc. he wants a normal life with a normal child.

I fear he is making life difficult for you so you will leave. he then won't be accused of callously deserting his wife and child. but in effect he will be the one to cause it.

Our DD went on to have regular hospital checks, an operation and so on. She is perfectly healthy now, but my DH always has been and always be there for her. This is regardless of how our relationship was going. (it is currently going very well - but wasn't always).

forget him and get your mother onbaord and get her to come to appoitnments.

then tell him calmly what the situation is.

no amoutnt of screaming at him will mkake him pitch up or care. that is the sad reality. either he cares or he doesnt.

maybe he thinks it is more important to provide financially? who knows. but you nd to explain this calmly. you can ask hv to refer to counselling, spefifically someone with expertise in special needs. as a last ditch attempt.

tell him calmly on a calm day that he needs to decide if he is going to be involved with his children or not. whatever their problems.

if not you will be better off without him and the tension he causes.

get an au pair instead.

some people will make a child or other person's issues/health needs all about them "poor me it i so terrible for meeee" . or just act in denial like it isnt happening. neither will help you.

and some people just dont care - he hasnt cared before with baby in hosp why do you expect him to care now?

I'm so sorry to hear about your baby's health problems.

I'm also so sorry to hear you are going through this without your partner's support. My husband was the same when our 5 day old baby was re-admitted with suspected meningitis - he went AWOL for 24 hours because he "couldn't deal with it". It took me four years, but I finally left him.

Definitely not normal.

He sounds disgustingly selfish. If he doesn't step up this time, what are you going to do?

This is not normal.

He needs a severe kick in order to get the message across to him - he needs to step up and be THERE for the people he calls his family... Or one day they might decide that there's no point in calling HIM family.

But, first things first. What do you do? - You call your mum and tell her you need her support and why - don't cover for him!

The apppointment is FAR too important to be late for. You say it's 15 mins drive? - can you book a taxi? Or could your mum take you? Tell him he can meet you there. Frankly, the way things are at the moment, it might be better if you can go alone or with your mum. You will need to be able to concentrate and it's probably better that he isn't there either to distract you, scupper things or make you fume when you need to be on the ball with the docs.

Oh and forgot to say - best of luck and I really hope that the docs have some answers for you.