where do i start on a road to divorce?

[ditheringalot53]

t53 Sun 08-Sep-13 17:09:21

hello,I have been reading the posts for ages and " dithering a lot"as to wether or not to join,i have been married a loooong time to a man who has "groomed " me to behave as( what he thinks) is a suitable wife and mother to our two boys,.One of whom has left home(due to his dad ).The youngest is about to go to uni for 4 years....so i think now is a good time to divorce him.The thought of there only being the 2 of us left in our house is what i am dreading, i believe he will make it his "hobby" to verbally put me in a place where i will become more mentally unsure of myself as a whole.
.I told him last year that i didnt like how he treated me and the boys and that i had been to c.a.b. for advice on how to go about a divorce.He was visibly shocked by my acting on my own initiative! we had a long talk which he went on the defensive and said I hadnt given him the opportunity to correct his behaviour,so he deserved a 2 nd chance to save himself.I foolishly said "fair point-maybe thats what he needed ,for me to shock him into seeing how upset i was.
Well its been an up and down time since then,with him being all accomodating (or defensive is more like it ) then going all sulky and moody and manipulative as usual when he wants his own way....
I have days of doubt as to wether I want the hassle of an expensive lengthy divorce,
But they are getting fewer.
Our sons say " do it mom,get your life back,you havent got anything to lose"
Hubby says "if you had stuck up for yourself years ago maybe i wouldnt have got as bad as you say i am"???
WHAT... SO IT IS MY FAULT,I LET YOU GET AWAY WITH IT
Early on in our marriage he slapped me across the face one night( 3 times he said ) well i went and walked to the local police station ,at the desk 2 pc's asked what i wanted them to do, i said i didnt know ,honestly...they said they couldnt do anything unless i wanted to press charges, so i didnt.
I walked back to our home and carried on our married life.
That memory has haunted me over the years, i should have pressed charges because whenever he raised his voice afterwards,i always thought he could hit me again if he wanted to.
God thats the first time i've phsically put the story down and its for all you people to see..
I know i have to move on this now but ....
It feels like stepping off a cliff...
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Cabrinha Sun 08-Sep-13 20:05:45

Dithering, you need to start your own thread! This will get lost tacked onto someone else' s!
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Cabrinha Sun 08-Sep-13 20:42:50

Sorry, I posted that quickly without reading as my daughter was calling me. Just read it - you poor love. You do need your own thread - maybe in the Relationshios section, as it's busier?
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Ah, I've been at this point. The place where you have decided that you'd actually be a lot happier without the arsehole in your life, but not sure you actually have the right to give him the final heave-ho, and distinctly nervous about the actual process. It was round about that point, spookily enough, that I first joined Mumsnet, about six or seven years ago.

So. Stage 1: acceptance. Accept that it is your right to divorce a nasty man who has not been a good life partner to you or a good parent to his sons. Just because you put up with it in the past is no reason to carry on putting up with it in the future. You were different then, the situation was different. Now experience has finally triumphed over hope. You don't need to keep the family together for the sake of giving the children a stable home - a mistake in hindsight, perhaps, but what you thought was right at the time. You can LTB with a clear conscience. (If you've been lurking for a while you'll know what that stands for!)

Stage 2: telling the kids. Well that one's already sorted for you because they're encouraging you to LTB. They're not going to be shocked or upset, are they? They're going to be relieved, and hopefully the one who left will see more of you than he would if he was trying to avoid his old man.

Stage 3: practicalities. You've already talked to CAB - did they say anything helpful? Do you have access to money of your own, can you hunt around for a good solicitor specialising in family law? Is there much equity in the family home? After a long marriage and without the need to provide a home for young children you are likely to be looking at a 50-50 split of assets (I assume you're in the UK). Where will that enable you to live? Away from him, at least, which is the important bit.

The whole rest of your life beckons and it could be sooo good.

Right, I'm on here again,firstly to thank Cabrinha for pointing me and my post in the right direction!
Thanks a lot for that one..this is me and technology!!
Secondly...Hello Annie,
Thank you for your stage 1 & 2 comments,seems there's a heck of a lot of men who do this kind of thing too often.
Stage 3,the c.a.b. lady didn't seem to have much more of an idea than me really,perhaps i was just unlucky that day,i now wonder if these c.a.b. volunteers have a special area of interest that i ought to have asked for,does any of you ladies know the answer to that?
Money..hmmm,i have a part time job,its enough to pay for the tax, ins.,mot,petrol and any repairs on my older car and little bit left for a few monthly treats.
I looked on Wikivorce site,
it seems to have a reasonable charge for the full divorce,
BUT call me old fashioned, i just read a lot of the reviews that said they tend to be overloaded with work and therefore ladies have needed to keep phoning them to chivvy them up ,and the paperwork isn't always filled in correctly.
There is a solicitors in our small town,which is handy to just pop up there as and when i worry about any aspect of this divorce. They have a specialist family sol. and also i think one of them a "collaborative " solicitor.
It'd be tempting to use them but I think they may be pricey.
Our house has been remortgaged,but still got a decent lump to split 50-50.
My housing options are "looking at crappy lettings agents" according to OH,but as my OS said.He just trying to scare you off going ....
OS said i can put my name down on private housing assoc. lists,look at "community housing" I think thats what its called.
If any of you good ladies can shed some light on any of the above I'd be very grateful.

Crappy bedsit indeed. Nasty bit of work your soon-to-be-ex is. Don't believe a word that comes out of his mouth. Your OS is a good lad, you've somehow managed to raise a good'un single-handed there.

Housing association may be the way to go, on a part-let/part-buy sort of basis. Depends on your area what's available, I guess; unfortunately I'm not an expert (was spoiled enough to be able to buy a cheaper house with a modest mortgage - shortly afterwards lost the job I was going to pay it with, but that's a long story for another time!). Have a look at the Entitled To benefits calculator and see if you could get some help. You might also be able to increase the hours you work when you don't have a miserable git insisting you are home to cook his tea and to sweep the floor just so...?

CAB can be variable as they're all volunteers. They do have some good written advice at www.adviceguide.org.uk/england/relationships_e/relationships_relationship_problems_e/ending_a_marriage.htm for example, and there's good old directgov with www.gov.uk/divorce/overview. (I suggest you ignore the bit about DIY divorce, as it's very unlikely your soon-to-be-ex will participate willingly in the proceedin's.) Some solicitors also have handy advice on their websites. Sounds like your local one will be useful if they don't mind you dipping in and out; and the bonus is that if they've given you any advice on the subject already they won't be able to work for your H. If you haven't already made your mark there, get in quick!

Oh, and there's a Legal topic on Mumsnet too, where some nice solicitor types hang out and give ever such helpful advice. It's not the same as having your own dedicated lawyer but they can steer you in useful directions.

That's my twopenn'orth, hope the bump will encourage other helpful posts from people who actually know what they're talking about.