Wedding guests -

[CookieDoughKid]

Dp and I wanting to get married. I am very "anti" his family. I don't like them nor make an effort(they the same).They do not see me as 'family' nor I they - and they have demonstrated that in their subtle and not-too-subtle actions in the past.

I could quite happily see myself taking my wedding vows with dp without ANY of his family there. I wouldn't even miss them.

Unfortunately, DP would want his brother there and his mother. I am respectful of that. He wants his brother as his best man. His step-dad would have to be there out of sheer politeness but he is a naturally rude person and I can't face my friends or family mingling with him for want of a potential fight to ensue.

All of DP's family live within a 10mile radius - his own brother including but I've not seen ANY of them for over 15months - that gives you a picture of how close we are a family (not). None of DP's family sees my kids ANYWAY and they don't even ask after them. OK - I concede a bit here - his mother popped in three times in 2013 (and she lives 6 miles away).

Basically, when we had split up a while back - I was dropped like hot coals (which is fine but bloody respectful as the mother of their grandkids/nephew nieces).

We would like to get married next year. DP is a naturally jovial sort of person and would want a party. DP does not carry resentment like I do. DP can easily forgive, forget, move on. I - however RESENT paying for them as guests and would resent the facade/charade of well wishes. I resent their presence.

I want a wedding with all my close friends and family (that alone would be at least 40 people+) but it would seriously outnumber DP's family.

I've mildly discussed this with DP but it will provoke arguments I'm sure. I'd like some advice on how to handle this and what solutions we could have because, honestly, the thought of an horrendous wedding way is enough to put me off not getting married.

WWYD?

And sorry for the longish post!! Arrgh....I tried to keep it more succinct!

I would invite his family, this is his wedding also and he is asking for his mother and brother to come, I don't see anyway you can refuse that or should refuse that. Just keep away from them during the day/evening and concentrate on your family and friends.

I'm afraid this is something you cannot do if you're marrying another person. If you have extended family there, it's likely he will want the same from his side. And while his family may not be sincere well wishers in your opinion, they may be sincere to him.

Perhaps you should consider whether you're ready to marry? It will involve accepting his family whatever your private feelings.

I think you have to compromise or go to Vegas and have neither family.

They're not your family, they're HIS family. And because they're his family, he is able to forgive and let bygones be bygones. That's what families do. For all their faults, he grew up with them and they helped form the person he is today. He loves them.

You effectively want a wedding with all YOUR people there. But a wedding is a two person operation.

Unless his family are gun toting serial killers, I really think you should invite them and grin and bear it. And thank god you don't have to see them frequently.

With regard to the step dad, if he is liable to get in a physical fight, your DP can arrange with a burly mate to keep an eye on him for the day. Any sign of trouble and step-dad is removed physically from the scene. My friend had to do this and her step dad was warned beforehand that he would be frogmarched out if he got out of hand. He was like a little lamb all day!

I think you will have to either get married abroad with no family from either side or just put up with it. If they are terribly rude to you, your DP should intervene but if it is just a mutual dislike, you'll have to put up with it.

If it is the cost you resent could you not just try yo keep things cheap, and sit them well away from you?

Trying to cut them out will cause a massive rift which may affect your relationship with DP.

My parents got married without my mum's family there as they all hated my dad, and even after my parents divorced, we've not had a lot to do with our GPS. Think about your children, too. Any rift will affect them.

It doesnt sound like they're abusive or anything. Some families arnt that close but they still love eachother. Tbh you dont give a good enough reason for not inviting them.

I vote for Vegas too (or a secluded beach somewhere in the Southern Hemisphere)

I have a mother who behaves badly at weddings and have advised only remaining unmarried sibling to marry abroad at v. short notice if ever applicable.

I would suggest a very private/secret wedding (you two, the DC, very close family only, maybe a dozen in total) followed a month or so later by a "do" in celebration.

I can see why you'd resent paying for people who despise/demean you. It might be more comfortable to do so if they weren't spoiling your actual wedding day iyswim.

How would you feel if he was telling you you couldn't have your family at your wedding day? I'll be honest, you sound pretty self absorbed and it's all me me me.

The reason why I resent them is very justified. Basically they deemed me as a trouble maker after reporting dp's youngest bro to the police after he exposed himself naked to my 3yr old DC. Dp's oldest brother said to me in an email why did I bother tell him about the incident as he couldn't understand how this is his business. This oldest brother that my do wants as best man.

It does sound me me me. Agree, but there is a huge back story to this. And the way I feel at the moment, I would use my wedding day to pick up the microphone and give it some - addressed directly to them all. Also I don't want their peodophile brother there either. I wish I was making this up but I'm not.

That a good enough reason to want shot the lot of them? The lot who I have had to stand up for my child and SPELL out the child protection issues at stake here? Dp's oldest brother has asked me NOT to remind my DC why uncle x is a dodgy peodo and I should just let it lie. Like wtf? I'm gonna tell all my dcs when they are old enough to understand why they should NOT go near dc's younger bro and I will also tell them that certain people in dp's family asked for me to keep it quiet.

Sincere wishes from dp's family right??

How does DP feel about his younger brother? Does he still have contact and want him to come to the wedding?

Erm when you get married to take on your dp s family too whether you like them or not s irrelevant. They are his family and should be invited.

Hey Maddy I used to think like you. But I realised I DO have a choice as does dp's family. Which is why after the police incident contact between my family unit (and dp) cooled off CV considerably. I choose not to take on peodophiles and I choose not to take on people that support them either (who happen to be family).

Good question maddy68. The thing with dp is that deep down he feels a real sense of loss. He feels loss and I feel anger. It took dp a long time to come to terms as humans will rationalise anything to explain away a situation that are too shocking to accept or cope with. So dp's family don't see the inherent danger or issues like I do. Rather it much easier to scapegoat me than accept their family was subject to (actually two) child police incidents.

Why did you leave this out of your OP?

Just wanted to update. I think I will settle for a smallish wedding and have dp mother and her husband and brother there. Its only the polite thing to do. We don't have to even talk to each other and I think it's on their onus to be on their best behaviour right? I think I can cope with that and I'll have a lot of support my end (far outweighing THAT lot). Thanks for your wisdom!!