Relate - is it worth it?

[EleanorPiggly]

Name changing regular poster here, wanting to hear encouraging stories about Relate. I've just booked an appointment for DH and I to see a counsellor (haven't told him yet - not sure he'll come, but I will go anyway) we've been drifting apart for about a year now (been married 31 years) I'm not sure what's gone wrong, there are a few issues, but none that are insurmountable or deal breakers in any way. But we need to get on track because at, all we seem to do is squabble, we don't communicate, and I for one am miserable - I don't know whether he is, he says not but he's not one for talking about stuff anyway.

Anyhow - that's a bit of background, I suppose I put off getting advice because I sort of felt if it has come to going to Relate, there's not much hope. But I need to do something. Has anyone got any encouraging stories about Relate getting their marriage back on track?, or can any one fill me in a bit on what will happen at a counselling session, and whether it is worth going if DH won't come too?

many thanks.

Depends upon what you want. If you want Relate to fix your relationship (which I don't get the impression is what you're after) then that would be unrealistic. If you want it to support you to a better, happier place (whether that's with your DP or not) then I think it's well worth it.

I think you both need to want to work things out and both need to believe that counselling will help for it to be effective, so I would start working on that sooner rather than later. Tell him about it, why it is important for you and what you hope to get out of it, so that at least you can check if you're on the same page.

XH & I booked a session with Relate and it helped me to see someone else's genuine reaction to the things he said! Its all well and good having the wisdom of MN on your side, but I couldn't help thinking it was all a bit one-sided, as I could only tell my side of the story on here, and that there was a gender bias on MN so that inevitably it would come out in my favour.

However, seeing an independent counsellor raise her eyebrows at some of the things he said and then suggest he look for individual sessions as she couldn't really help us, was the deciding factor for me. I knew I wasn't being unreasonable and that he most definitely was, so although it didn't help us resolve anything it put my mind straight on a few things.

I think just getting an outsider's perspective on behaviour you have taken for granted for many years is a good thing.

Thanks both for your replies, you have given me food for thought. I will tell him - I am waiting for an appropriately calm and friendly moment so it doesn't become an arguing point.

Twosteps, I take your point about the one sidedness, - friends I talk to always support me and take my side, which is kind but not necessarily helpful. I want to know how to make things better for both of us, not just me, and what I can do to improve the situation. And perhaps I am being unreasonable in some areas. Its impossible to tell, he is a very uncommunicative person and sometimes I feel I am just talking at him, and constantly upping the ante just to get some sort of reaction or sign of interest.

Well I was advised to go by a friend who had separated from her H, she had met someone new, but things didn't work out for them and her H was very loving and supportive, they went to Relate, resolved their previous issues and they ended up back together - now one of the happiest couples I know!

I wanted to go to Relate so that I knew I had given everything a try before packing it in. Together 13 years with 3 DCs so didn't want to just walk away (and tbh I was terrified of being on my own). However, there is life after marriage, so if it comes to it and you can't fix things, you don't need to stay in a miserable situation for fear of the alternative.

Give it all you've got (presuming your H does too) and then at least you know that you tried.

EleanorPiggly - how did it go?

I went to Relate on my own, then one session together with DH, and now I'm back to going on my own because DH doesn't see the point/benefit of going. For him, we need to do things to save our marriage, and talking doesn't help. I disagree.

Individual sessions will help you to be stronger, to see your issues more clearly and to become more resourceful in addressing them constructively. It is possible that this is exactly what's needed to save the relationship, but it's not always like that.

Make sure you click with the counselor - your relationship with him/her is crucial to the success of the therapy. I had experience of two different counselors and wasn't comfortable with one of them. I'm glad that Relate have agreed to accommodate my preferences.

Relate provides a person-centered therapy which means that it's very patient-led. You alone are in charge of your decisions, and the counselor only helps you to be fully aware of your past and present situation, implications on other people etc. This is hard - I know I would prefer more direct advice, but at the same time it teaches you to assume full responsibility over your life and actions, which must be a good thing...