XMIL has always been a difficult character. XH always avoided her as much as possible and thought she was unpleasant. It should have been no surprise when XH turned out to have a lot of similar character traits. But that's all in the past now.
Sort of.
In the past few weeks the dcs have told me about some incidents whilst with XH. Now whilst these aren't physical abuse, they do amount to potentially dangerous neglect and emotional abuse. I've spoken to NSPCC, HV, GP, SS and a solicitor, all of whom advised me to stop contact until CAFCASS could assess because if something happened and I knew, I would be complicit.
My solicitor wrote to him, he threatened court, I said great, he has yet to apply and now hasn't seen the dcs since early July. I've offered supervised access until a decision can be made.
I want access for the dcs, they do love their dad, but he was sexually, emotionally and physically abusive of me, and I know I am used to being bullied into doing things I'm not happy with, which is why I am deferring to the courts to tell me what is right. I worry I've let the dcs down by not protecting them, but in fairness I have only recently been told the full extent and although I feel terrible guilt I have no choice but to protect them.
A few weeks ago I asked XH if he would consider phoning the dcs regularly (he never had before, he'd see them once a month for a weekend and no contact in between). He is now calling them, but has ignored my offer of supervised access. He does pay maintenance at csa rates regularly.
Sorry, that's all just background.
So, to XMIL. Since we split I have been completely flexible about her seeing the dcs. She usually calls maybe once a fortnight to ask if she can have them for a few hours, and I've never said no (although occasionally suggested another day).
One of the things I had discovered recently is that XMIL's dog had been aggressive towards the dcs within the past 8 months. So since I found this out one of the conditions for them going there is that the dog must be either shut in another room or outside or wherever, but not with the dcs (it's a collie and large and nervy).
So, to the comments she has stated:-
Her "I see mum has a new car? You must be well off"
Ds1 "erm, no not really"
Her "no, that'll be XH's money paying for it"
(I've just sold my 4 year old car for a 10 year old one and some extra cash)
Her "why won't your mum let you see your dad? He's devastated and there's no reason for it"
Ds1 "I don't know anything about it"
Ds2 (only 8) "why did mum and dad split up?"
Ds1 (who remembers but shouldn't have said it) "because dad was ill and used to get angry"
Her "that's not true! Your mum gets depressed (ds1 didn't know this since my depression had never crossed into abuse and he saw the two as synonymous), it's not just XH's fault!"
(The party line throughout had been a simple mum and dad don't love each other anymore, no blame has ever been attributed)
Her "you can't come to my house anymore because your mum has banned you from seeing the dog. The dog who loves you and is in no way dangerous"
(I have witnesses who have seen xmil physically restraining said dog whilst it tried to bite dd in the face)
Anyway that's a few of them. She can't understand why I won't consider mediation (solicitor said that given the abuse I suffered it would never be recommended for me), clearly thinks I'm a money grabbing evil bitch who abandoned her son whilst he was ill with depression.
I've never told her all the things he did. She wouldn't believe me anyway (even if I showed her the texts he sent admitting it, and the notes he wrote apologising for it). I suspect XH hasn't applied to the courts because he might be faced with evidence of who he is and that might get back to his mother.
My worry is that the dcs are being damaged by her snide remarks about me. Ds1 just rolls his eyes and says "grandma was bitching about you again", but ds2 is very literal and believes what he is told. He was very young when it all happened, and although he was scared of XH, that has faded and he now adores him.
XMIL is a very aggressive woman who would deny saying any of the above if confronted.
It's usually only one small comment a visit, it's not constant. And other than this the dcs enjoy going to play there.
Any advice at all on any aspect would be great.
Thanks for getting through that mammoth post.