I met a guy....

[mcmooncup]

And he's totally lovely.
No red flags (I look intensely), kind, respectful, wants commitment but not at crazy pace, hot, solvent, same page for kids, attentive, does what he says he's going to do, open....you get the picture.....I can't find anything wrong with him.

But I'm totally struggling not to sabotage. All my demons from being attracted to total arseholes/ abusive wankers seem to be surfacing...there is no drama, no feeling like I need to compensate, I'm allowed to have feelings and they are respected, no horrible denials about what a bellend they are being.....completely new territory for me and what I've wanted out of a relationship.
So why oh why do I want to sabotage? I mean not returning calls, being a bit abrupt......
Has anyone else from previously abusive relationships experienced this?
I refuse to ever go back to shit relationships but I never imagined it being so hard to have a good relationship.

Sounds like you are waiting for him to let you down...

I've got 'if it seems too good to be true then it probably is' syndrome alright

Sounds to me like you're a bit unconvinced that he is what he seems to be and you're pushing slightly to test him.

How long have you been together?

Well it'll definitely go wrong if you are abrupt and don't return his calls! It'll be a self fulfilling prophecy.

Maybe consider some counselling? But he will leave you if you game play and 'test' him - and it sounds like that is exactly what you're doing right now.

Try and be adult and not do silly things. I know it's hard but you'll mess it all up and have him thinking you're hard work and high maintenance otherwise

We've only been together 3 months.
It's early days I know, and I'd generally have done one by now. I guess it's that tricky time where it's exclusive, he's a 'boyfriend' not just a date....I've gone from hideous abusive relationship to dating for 2 years...and now this. I think I may well just be shitting myself.

Ah three months! This is just the very beginning and I'd be wary about discussing any 'future' type things. Really no need. Give it 12 months and then see.

Concentrate on being nice and normal!

Totally Flora...it will be a self fulfilling prophecy if I don't quit this shit

12 months....jeez that gives me the shivers. I'm only just coping with 3

I've done this :) exactly the same. Couldn't believe it. I mean, why would anyone just be nice? What did he want? Why would he go to the trouble to remember my favourite sandwich?

(And yes I actually cried when presented with said sandwich)

You are not alone.

It will get easier with time. I nearly freaked out in my current relationship - not because of a history of abusive relationships but simply because I had been single for many years and wasn't at all sure how to handle things.

Eventually I had a good long chat with myself, and while recognising that I'm not perfect and free from neuroses, I am basically a well-balanced person so as long as I behaved naturally, everything should fall into place. If it didn't, it was because we weren't compatible, not because there was anything wrong with me (or him).

On the odd occasion where insecurity rears its ugly head and you feel yourself wanting to revert to what's safe rather than what's best, simply cast yourself in the role of fictional heroine. Ask yourself what you'd like to do and then do that, even if it's scary. Always be direct. If you're not returning calls because you fear his interest is waning and you think you need to be more elusive to recapture it for example, simply ask him outright how he feels things are going. Make it clear there isn't a right or wrong answer, just an honest one.

Good luck and enjoy.

Well yes! 12 months is my mantra. Do nothing for a year and you won't go wrong. So no mingling of finances, don't move him in , don't start doing the family thing ... Just take it steady . I think if you're being off hand with him already or playing silly buggers then the writing is on the wall if you don't stop.

I've been there and the only thing that works is to take it slow, be nice, don't lump all your past issues on him after a few months together but do tell him that taking things as they come suits you best.

After three months you really are little more than dating.no need to panic!

Flora - I'm very similar. The trouble with falling in love is that it clouds judgement. IMO you should always wait to make life-changing decisions until that initial flush has dissipated and you are able to see things more clearly.

Nothing wrong with getting more serious - staying over more, possibly even having a key (but with agreed conditions attached), going on holiday together, meeting the family (but not in intimate settings), but only to the extent that if you split up tomorrow there is no practical/lifestyle upheaval to deal with, only emotional fallout.

In the meantime, you get to enjoy great sex and lots of fun times (hopefully).

As others said.

Don't expect much. Nor bad nor good, just take it as it is and keep observing.

If he is presenting a front, it's likely to drop in a few more months and you can walk away.

If he is genuine, you will get used to the niceness and start to feel normal.

But treat him as you would a good friend or even at work. Do return calls and be polite and friendly. It's the least you can do. :)
By not testing him he will feel more relaxed and free to be at his worst. It's in the comfortable phase that you weed out the bad from the good ones.

I went through exactly the same 'stage' at around 3 months, I openly discussed it with DP, laid myself bare to him about my thought processes, explained about past experiences, over a bottle of wine I might add ha, but you know what, he was so understanding, open, and just listened.

I fell in love with him even more. We are open with each other, we take time to explain our emotions, I learnt that he too was worried about sabotaging it as he had some not so nice relationship experiences...we are now engaged as of Saturday.

Sit down, be open, he sounds great. Rid these demons head on!

God I totally get the sandwich thing mcnamechangey
I nearly cried when he purposely bought me a drink I said I loved unprompted

I like your 12 month advice Flora, I will listen. I am nowhere near doing any of those things right now...and will keep it that way.

Hairy congrats . Honestly the thought of engagement makes me panic right now, but I must just get a hold of myself and "keep observing", dahlen and yes, hopefully one day it will become normal.
I can see already what I've been missing and am mortified at some of the shit treatment I have accepted in the past so if nothing else works out here at least now I know there are actual nice men out there. Who knew?!?

This whole reprogramming process is tiring

The sandwich thing is exactly it though......it's so different and lovely and kind it completely winds you.
And I go straight into the....why would he do this? Is he just trying to reel me in? Is there an ulterior motive? Do I owe him now?

Arrrrrgggggghhhhhhhhhh

:) it gets better. I honestly believed that genuine nice guys didn't exist. That everything was a compromise.

Oh and just so you know, 2 years on and I'm still with sandwich man. He remembers my sandwich and I remember his. We often do nice little things for each other. For no reason at all but to make each other happy.

It took me around a year to trust that he really was just nice. He was very patient with me. I was able to be honest and explain that when I worried about the stupid things, it wasn't him, it was my fears.

It might still be too early for you to divulge all to him, but I needed to explain why I was occasionally sabotaging. He understood, and told me I could push all I wanted, in fact that I was safe to push him, because unless I told him I didn't love him and he was to leave, he wasn't going anywhere (yes he was even so nice as to reassure me that I could dump him safely).

This bloke may not be the one, but he could be. He could be a nice bloke but ultimately not for you. He could turn out to be a git. Who knows?

You can only give it a go and see what happens.

Don't beat yourself up for naturally wanting to preempt an attack, that's natural and normal. You can stay watchful and safe AND enjoy the good bits. Give yourself time.

mcmooncup - every time I wonder why someone would do something nice for me, I ask myself if it's the sort of thing I would do for someone else. If the answer is 'yes' you realise that what the other person is doing is a fairly normal action and you're just being insecure. I've found this quite a useful way of retraining my expectations.

Thanks

I have explained a little about my possible sabotage attempts. Not in great detail, but enough. He has also been very understanding about it - "it's good to get to know the real you" type of thing - "the good and the bad".

When we were meeting the other day and he texted to give me his ETA, I hadn't texted back (sigh) and he had wondered if I was about to sabotage. I wasn't, I just hadn't texted back......but he was just fine, no anger, no criticism, he just said he would have been disappointed if he had not seen me.

Dahlen that is a nice way of looking at it......I have always been the one to do things for others, and there is obviously a part of me that wants others to do things for me, however uncomfortable that may be to begin with