FIL

[delicatematter]

hello, i posted a couple of weeks ago about my DH who had told me that as a child he was sexually abused by his uncle.

He has now been to see a counsellor specialising in Abuse.

DH FIL despite saying that he was going to punch uncles lights out has done nothing and in fact is carrying on as if nothing has happened and at the weekend DH found out that uncle was invited round to FIL house and FIL went to his house the next day and they are continuing their "dodgy dealings"
FIL advice to DH is to not involve the police as it will cause trouble for uncle and his girlfriend and has asked him is he sure his memory is correct
Me and DH had a blazing row last Saturday, he said some horrible things but later apologised and said he is under immense pressure, i understand that but its just so hard.
Counsellor has told DH that FIL has his priorities wrong and that he should be standing by DH and not his brother, Counsellor also suggested that DH is scared of FIL, DH now very angry as he can see FIL for what he is, its as if the scales has dropped from his eyes.
Hallelujah i thought when he told me this as FIL has been taking P*ss out of DH for such a long time.
He said he cant face having it out with FIL face to face as FIL is a bully and DH has admitted that he makes him nervous so he,s going to write a letter to him telling him how he feels.

Still waiting for police to go and see uncle, despite DH leaving 5 messages for the PC, none have been returned, i have told him to consider going higher and speaking to a police supervisor.
DH wants Uncle to pay for what he has done but knows that its his word against uncles and doesnt think that he would win his case.
FIL wants to keep this a secret from rest of family which i think is wrong, rest of family have a right to know-they have kids what if uncle has done it to theirs?

Am very supicious of FIL and think there is more to it than just a "dodgy deal" which is only worth £200 max, would you put that before your child?

I think somethings going on with FIL and uncle, and i dont know what it is but its making me very uneasy.

Sorry for the long message!!!

I agree, the rest of the family, or at least those with kids, should know if you DH is ok with them knowing (iyswim)

That is crap of the police - I think you're right to go higher to get some reassurance that it's being dealt with (maybe the PC is off sick/on leave??)

Re the "dodgy" deal, maybe FIL is just in denial and can't believe someone he's close to is a child abuser?

Found out on Friday that PC was on holiday until Monday just gone, DH rang again yesterday and was told he would be got back to and nothing.

Re FIL maybe being in denial, i thought this a couple of weeks ago but not DH has found out that FIL is inviting uncle to his house and going to his house for a drink and something else he said to DH "If you have to send the police around then make sure its after 6pm as uncles girlfriend will be at work by then "

How can he be around the uncle let alone invite him to the house and go to his house for socialisation?

Where is his loyalty to DH?
He doesnt even phone DH or come to our house, he only wants to know DH when he thinks he has some money or something new and then goes around the family slagging DH off for "acting like a posh tosser"

It is tearing me apart seeing DH in this state, he wont eat/is losing weight and is so depressed he said last night that the closest person apart from me "doesnt care and a £200 dodgy old car is worth sorting out rather than my feelings"

Your poor dh - and poor you. What a tough time for you all to cope with. But you will, and you'll come out stronger on the other side.

For what love and support you're getting from your FIL, I'd be tempted to seriously loosen the
link, and concentrate on your immediate family.
He's clearly a total arse

hear hear fairyjay, im glad someone agrees with me.

He never phones or comes to see the kids, when one of our children got rushed into hospital a few weeks ago he didnt phone or come up and when we phoned him to tell him he just said f*ing hell what next? as if we were bothering him.

Last year DH changed his car twice so he had to.
He hates me because he thinks ive changed DH into a snob, im not a snob -just because we pay our bills and keep our house nice and are not always asking to borrow money like he is then we are snobs, oh i could be here all day!!!!!

Am so sorry for what you are all going through.

Firstly, with regard to your dh telling his family, he should consider very carefully what he is doing if he decides not to tell. If any others in the family have been abused by this uncle and decide to take action, and it transpires that your dh was also a victim but chose to keep it from the rest of the family, it's possible that the rest of the family may hold your dh responsible in some way iyswim? Personally if it was me I'd take out a front page ad in the local paper with the man's name/address but hey that's just me.

Secondly with regard to your fil and his attitude, is it possible that rather than being in denial, he already knew? Maybe not specifics but had a suspician and therefore when your dh told him t didn't really come as much of a surprise, and therefore for him nothing really has changed iyswim?

Some families really earn the right to be ditched, perhaps the counselour could concentrate in helping your DH to get over these feelings rather than organise a "make him pay for it" time, although I agree that stopping contact would be a good thing during this time.. Problem with saying these sort of things is that there would be people who will not believe your DH's words which could make the thing even more difficult for DH (instead of trying to convince his father about what has happened, he will face the whole family scrutiny and criticism). however, if you think other children may be at risk,please tell someone who can do something about it and that is likely to believe you.

Not sure if the police can do much either, there are some crimes that "expire" after some time, not because they deserve to be ignored but because gathering evidence for court would be almost impossible.

I'm really sorry your DH is going through this, I really am. Hope the counselor culd guide him well during this difficult time.