Help me motivate my brother

[pensandpaperclips]

Hi all

My brother's at what I've come across as an awkward stage...early twenties and living with my parents, who phoned me this weekend in desperation as they've come to the end of their tether with him.

He's got a job on minimum wage that doesn't hold many promotional prospects for him. He's got a girlfriend (who's quite nice) on whom he spends all his money and time. My Dad is panicking because my DB has no savings, no ambition and doesn't help himself very much (goes out several times a week, doesn't get up until late, generally doesn't contribute very much) and relies on my parents financially. My Mum is upset because he doesn't interact much with her anymore and doesn't help much around the house.

I don't know what to do. I feel really guilty as I've always been seen as the 'golden girl' of the family and my parents admit my DB has probably been negatively affected by this. I live at the opposite end of the country and have tried motivating DB by doing his CV, suggesting college courses, praising his sales and business skills etc. but although DB has tried setting up his own businesses and thought about applying for courses etc., he always gives up at the earliest opportunity.

Any ideas? Perhaps someone out there has a sibling who has made a go of it? My DB is just so talented (he doesn't realise how much) but he never makes anything of himself. I'd hate to see him carry on so unfulfilled for the rest of time.

Well for a start your parents should stop hand wringing and be pro-active.

They should stop subsidising him and be charging him board for a start! Start saying no and mean it, once his money has gone, tough. If he doesnt pay his board then he gets no food bought or cooked for him. I hope she isnt, but I rather suspect that she does his washing, that needs to stop too.

They cant possibly expect him to behave like an adult if they are treating him like a child.

You cant force anyone to become ambitious or motivated but you can stop enabling lazy behaviour.

And a further thought, if you are the golden girl then you are probably the worst person to be trying to get him to buck his ideas up. If he already resents you then you trying to tell him what to do with his life will only make things worse and create a bad relationship amongst you all.

He does some of the cooking and washing, I'd say it's about 50/50, but my parents really want to see him try and earn more and generally have a broader outlook on life.

The height of his ambition for the last few years has been to get top of the council house waiting list and move in with his girlfriend. A decent career doesn't really figure in his plans.

He doesn't resent me; we have a great relationship. He just doesn't really take on board what I say!

And again.....sorry!

How do you know he is unfulfilled? Just because you wouldnt be happy with that life doesnt mean he shouldnt be. HE does need to pull his weight at home with money and chores, but if he is happy in his job then who are to say that he should be more ambitious? I rather think you should butt out.

He sometimes gets a bit down and doesn't get up in the mornings, doesn't have hobbies, just seeing his girlfriend and going drinking at night.

You should accept him for what he is. An unambitious home-loving man who wants a quiet life. Plenty of people aspire no higher. Let him get on with it. If your parents are getting desperate maybe they could help him rent a flat with the girlfriend and try living his dream.

There is nothing you can do. It is absolutely not your fault that you are ambitious and he is not, and your parents should ?admit? no such thing. The single most sensible thing your parents could do would be to tell your brother it?s time to leave home. And if a rented bedsit is what he can afford, then a bedsit is where he lives. Or else they can man up and set rules for what your brother has to do at home if he?s to stay, they can charge him rent and insist he does certain chores, though it?s still none of their business whether he saves or not. But really, if he?s big enough to have a job and a girlfriend then he?s big enough to live his own life in his own way, by himself or with her, minimum wage and all.

But there?s nothing you can do about it. You can?t even tell your parents he should move out as that will only cause a family quarrel. Refuse to get involved. They're all adults and it?s up to them. The most you can say to them is that he?s big enough to ask you for help on his CV if and when he wants it, and that you?ll help if he does ask.