Relationship breakdown..brought on by actions of step son.

[MaryJ49]

hello im in need of some desperate advise. im married for 6 years with 4 children under the age of 6. my husband has a son from a previous relationship also. we have had our bumps in the road in this marriage-debt, serious illness.. and have powered through them..but recently when we found images of our childern (taken by my husbands step son on his tablet) things have taken a huge turn for the worse. the pictures are of our children with superimposed guns to their heads and their throats been slit. im so disturbed by these as is my husband. but it has brought up a whole load of past issues for me..and thoughts that i want a seperation after many years of struggle within this relationship and bother intergrating his step son and our family. my step sons behaviour on many ocassions has been questionable..he is a teenager and i accept that there will be problems but this i cannot justify. i feel anger that my husband hasnt stepped up and played a vital role in his sons life..on many an occassion i am left with him and the 4 children for long periods with no help- over holidays, whislt he goes to play golf..goes on weekends away etc.. i feel like over the years i have been completely and utterly taken advanyage of and angry my childrens saftey may have come into question... my head is all over the place i really dont know what to do or think. help!!

Didn't want to read and run so bumping for you.

To be clear, is this teenager your DH child from a previous relationship, so his son, your step son...?

Step son has taken photos of his half siblings and photo shopped them. Have I got that correct..?

How old is he. Does he play call of duty and the likes on his games console..?

What does your DH say, how has he dealt with it. Does he see his mum at all. Is he resentful that his dad has a 'new' family and thinks you guys have come along and spoilt it all for him?

Sorry I've asked so many questions
Hope you're ok

I don't see how you can have him in your home around your little children. it sounds as if your DH is not 'there' for any of you. He thinks of himself and his wants and needs first. Has he ever spent any time taking care of all five children by himself?

Think there are not many replies to your letter as it is so shocking.

It would be good for you to talk to a counselor by yourself to get all your anger out.

Really sorry to hear this.

One thing is clear - no action is not an option.

The action of your SS is a huge red flag wrt to his overall mental heath, happiness and feeling towards his half siblings.

It's not clear if he lives with you full time. Could he be resentful of your children and his place within the family dynamic?

Personally I would go to my GP ASAP taking the pictures with me to discuss what psychiatric counselling options might be available for you as a family and him as an individual.

Ideally your husband should take a lead in this. His son is clearly in need of support, love, time and guidance.

There are some powerful emotions going on here and the key is to note this warning and channel them productively to ensure a good outcome for the whole family. He might be a teenager, but he is still a child and one that needs help.

Ignoring this has the potential to cause great harm (emotionally and potentially physically) to all involved.

Hi MJ49. I agree that your DH must seek professional advice here. This behaviour is just not acceptable and a teenager should know that this is wrong. What have you done in the meantime? I assume he is still coming for visits? While no doubt it would be viewed as wrong to exclude him from the family, your priority is obviously to your vulnerable little ones. The Xbox games are not an explanation in and of themselves. A well balanced child (even a badly behaved one) knows (or should know) that this is beyond the pale. What has he had to say for himself (I'm getting the impression your DH hasn't even challenged him on it)?

Thank you all for taking the time to answer my post.
Horsemadhere- he is my step son my husbands son from a previous relationship.i met my husband when the wee boy was 2.. He is 13 and he stays full time with his mum but has been staying at ours every second weekend and every Thursday evening since he was wee. I also take care of him during holidays as his mum and my husband work( I'm a stay at home mum)..he doesn't have a games console at the moment as it broke but yes call of duty, ext have been played for ages. He has definite resentment towards the kids and I feel he has needed some specialised support for years his mum as much as I do try to get on with her, has been extremely resentful through her behaviour towards us and our family. She has never had a partner/boyfriend in the time that my husband and her split some 10 years ago and I've always felt there were some underlying issues there going on with her towards him.
My DH dealt with it by confronting my Step son and there on went for a chat with him and his mum to discuss what to do for all concerned. Thank you again.
HansieMom-I do not want him near my children at all but I understand that cutting him out may make the situation far worse for all concerned. My husband has but only a handful of time.. I find if he has taken care of them they have usually been plonked infront of the tv with a DVD and nothing active been done. Yes I agree. Thank you.
YellowTulips-Thank you for all of your advise I will approach the subject of counselling and see where it goes I totally agree action needs to be taken. I really feel he hates our children and feels nudged out by them. We have tried to integrate him as much as possible with the kids and maybe that has caused this confusion for him he doesn't want to be?? Who knows.. I know we need help.
Ivemessedup- in the meantime we have reduced the time he stays here and it has been made very clear that he doesn't come to ours unless my husband is present. He has spent a lot of time with us over the years holidays etc as his mum works full time as does my husband. He plays up when its just me here and has caused no end of trouble over the years so I was relieved when that decision was agreed. His reply was "it was just a game" more shockingly we found out that he has shown my 6yr old 5yr old and wee 3yr old these images..I feel quite physically sick with it all and the impact it is having on our family. Thank you again for all your time and advise. X

Maybe he is just taking out his anger/jealousy on your DCs as that is the easiest option, he may not really hate them. Some counseling would surely help him, it would be great if he could have help in sorting out his emotions now as this anger thing won't just disappear on its own. I hope he can be persuaded to have counseling, I would think those images would be enough to warrant it on the NHS.
Don't let the rule about his father being at home when he is there lapse (as these things do over time).
Perhaps you could discuss this with a child psychologist to get an expert's view and to give you an opportunity to talk about it to someone else.

I think there maybe some deep rooted issues there with him.its such a worry.
I won't let the rule drop ever. And I will be going to speak to my GP about this I know something has to be done.
Thank you for replying x

Poor u having to look after a troublesome teen with what sounds like little appreciation from the parents even before this awful situation. I hope you can find a resolution, but really the parents should not have put you in this situation. At least DH will now be present but as JustinB'smum said don't let this rule just fall away. Good luck.

Thank you
ivemessedup- I do feel totally taken advantage of ..just been a baby sitter..I know I have a voice but I've always felt guilty that no one else was around.. Oh it's such a mess. I feel like running away half of the time at the moment.
Thank you no I won't.

I agree you have been taken advantage of. The more I think of it, it's not really surprising that your SS is jealous. With the best will in the world there is no way you would be able to give an older child much attention with 4 little ones to care for. This is in no way a criticism of you who are not his parent, but of the parents who have taken your (free) service for granted without a thought for their son, or indeed, re your DH the little ones who now seem to be at risk. In a way this out in the open is a good thing and will force SS's parents to step up to the plate. I've been a step parent myself and have also had to take steps to protect my daughter from a relative's jealous child who put his hand over her mouth and nose when she was 3mo. He still holds a toy gun to her head in front of other family members in an assassination stance. No one bats an eye, but I find it beyond offensive. Keep yourself sane and your little ones safe ((hug))

Get him referred to camhs. Your h and his mother have a responsibility to sort this out together. I'd be seriouslywworried- about ss and also his seemingly useless father

I don't think it sounds as though he is a risk/danger to your children, it is disturbing yes, but he sounds troubled and that is down to his father/your DH.

Not surprised you feel taken advantage of, your DH has taken advantage of you!

Focus on your DH and what he isn't doing rather than what your SS has done, your DH is at the root of this.