Financial Abuse?

[Howgoes]

Have name changed for this as am extremely embarrassed at maybe being in this situation but heregoes:

I have never had access to any money that DH earns. He gives me an allowance and I use that for things for the kids but recently have realised that it is not enough to even cover monthly bills that I pay. I pay for gym membership for DS and I, Sky TV subscription, the cleaner, kids pocket money, my mobile phone and petrol for my car from it.

That was fine as I have worked and been able to top it up from my earnings (which are a drop in the ocean compared to DH's) but I am due very soon to go on maternity leave and am worried about what will happen when I am no longer earning as I would like not to have to go back to work. When I had DS and wasn't working I just used my credit card and then got myself into a lather trying to pay it back once I restarted work as felt that I couldn't ask DH for more money.

I got myself upset about it over the weekend and ended up sort of addressing it with DH but his reply was just to ask him for more money when I need it.

Am I wrong in feeling that this is not acceptable? I feel completely disempowered, somewhat like a small child who has to ask whether I can have some more pocket money and then be quizzed as to what I will spend it on. I am not the best with money but I am responsible, I do not buy loads and do not buy super expensive stuff. We are not poor by any means and I think DH is concerned that we keep a tight rein on finances so we are never in the situation where we have to borrow money or can't pay what we need to.

In every other respect DH is wonderful and the best thing to ever happen to me, he is clever, funny, kind, caring and loving so I am sort of ashamed of bringing this up as maybe think it is just me and the way that I see things. Is this normal or is it a type of abuse and what do I say to him to make him realise how I feel without coming across as all grabby (this aspect is more to do with my anxiety as I feel somewhat unworthy of him - he doesn't see me like that but it is there nonetheless!).

There are 2 ways to go forward with this:

1 a joint account where all income from you and dh go into one pot and you use this to pay all bills and each have equal access to. You agree how much is reasonable monthly cash allowance for each of you for fripperies, coffees etc - this should be equal. You each don't go spending amounts in excess of say £50 (adjust to budget) without discussing it with each other and getting buy in from each other. There is no "his" and "hers" just "ours". One person probably needs to take responsibility for keeping an eye on the account and making sure you both live within your means.

1. You each have your own personal account which is allocated a sum each month from a joint household account. Amount to be determined - you agree together what this personal money is to be spent on. The joint household account gets all monies paid into it and pays out mortgage, bills, childcare costs etc.

1. Your partner pays an amount to you equivalent to the costs of childcare, cleaning, etc etc that he would otherwise have to pay to a third party!

It really saddens me that so many men even within the bounds of an otherwise happy relationship do not see their children as their financial responsibility and expect their partners to fund everything to do with the child leaving their partners running up debt or going without to do so.

Ask him how he would feel if the boot was on the other foot - imagine a scenario where he has been made redundant, is unemployed, has gone through all his redundancy pay off and cannot get another job. All he would have is JSA. If you were the one in employment how would he expect you to treat him? This is a scenario many middle aged men could find themselves in. So they should think very carefully how they treat their partners during the SAHM years as they could find themselves reaping what they have sown!

Btw - don't take any financial advice from me - I can't even count!

From that it doesn't necessarily sound like financial abuse. It used to work for you but doesn't now and I suppose plenty of people are quite old-fashioned and he just doesn't see it as a problem. 'If you need more money just ask'. tra la.

Are you both transparent with how much you earn and the household finances? However a couple decide to merge and split their incomings and outgoings there should be transparency. He needs to understand that his earnings are family money.

I think you need to sit down again and explain how you feel and how he would feel if it was the other way round and reconsider how you order your finances. If anything happened to him you wouldn't know what was going on and that would be very stressful.

There are all sorts of ways of arranging your finances jointly while maintaining a degree of autonomy for both of you and you need to find what suits you both. This only suits him.

This is a scenario many middle aged men could find themselves in. So they should think very carefully how they treat their partners during the SAHM years as they could find themselves reaping what they have sown!

Well, quite!

I don't think it sounds like abuse. As others have suggested, maybe you need to set up a joint household bills account that you both contribute to - decide on how much after sitting down and figuring out how much all the essentials cost.

I don't think anyone should ever have to ask for money for day-to-day expenses. The simple solution is to tally up your household expenses (including all the things like TV services, petrol, all the kids stuff, etc) and create a joint account that you both pay into, dependant on your salaries, and use to pay for that stuff. The additional money stays with you both for your own personal expenditure.

I'm a SAHM and that works very well for us. Obviously I don't earn anything so my DH pays into the joint account AND into my account. I keep an eye on the bank balances and every month we transfer any excess money into a savings pot. I've never had to ask for money for anything and would hate it too!

Thank you.

I wasn't sure if he just does not understand or he is being a bit of an arse.

I did think about just using our John Lewis card to buy everything and then just giving him the bill at the end of the month. Does that sound feasible?

I just do not want to get into debt again as he would like to have yet another child after this one and I would be terrified of ending up having to go back to work pregnant and leave 2 small babies at home (well with childcare).

You could do the jl card thing. But would that leave you with equivalent spending money?

I am the higher earner here. All of our money gets pooled.

And I think you will find out if it is financial abuse by his reaction to sharing the family resources.

Howgoes - don't start doing anything without talking to him first. Like others have said it is possible it has just not occurred to him that this set up is not working for you. Is he aware that you ran up credit card debt last time you were on maternity leave? He might just have thought you were really good at budgeting.

Start talking to him. Have an idea of what you think you would like the outcome to be and what would be equitable. If he won't entertain a conversation then you will need to cancel any bills in your name that you cannot realistically afford and pare things right down.

Just talk to him OP.

If he is resistant to sharing financies openly, then you need to find out why that is. THAT is the hallmark of a twat!