AIBU (think I probably already know the answer)

[AuchAyethenoo]

I've just had THE most embarrassing moment in Morrisons. I'm stood watching the food scan and the amount getting increasingly higher on the till display, 5 people standing behind me. I've got £70 in my pocket.

Yep you guessed it £72.68 on the display, I have to ask the woman to stop scanning and take off the last couple of items. Mortified just about covers it. Other people tutting, the cashier had to call for help, the whole shebang.

How did I get in this position, you ask?

I'm a SAHM, my oh works. We get some CTC and I get child maintenance for my eldest. My oh has a good wage, yet I have to cover half of ALL the bills, mortgage etc. Buy the weekly shop, all of the children's travel and activities and all of the children's expenditure (clothes etc).

AIBU to be destroyed that I have to use my eldests money for essential like food instead of saving it for her, to be hurt that even though oh knows that since his promotion my CTC has reduced and I'm struggling?

I now have £8 to last me 9 days, it's £4/day to get my dd2 to nursery. Oh says if I need money I should ask him, but he acts in such a demeaning manner when I do, asking precisely how much, what it's for etc. Then 'comically' tries to stuff it down my bra.

[starfishmummy]

This is not a good environment for your children.

What if he gets another promotion? If this one has reduced what is paid to you, him earning more could wipe it out - what are you going to do then?

DH and I had the same sort of agreement regarding sharing the bills , but when our dc came along that all changed. That's what couples do.

[EhricLovesTeamQhuay]

Look, he can't be pinned down for a conversation, but he wants cash from you. So stop handing over cash until you have the conversation. In fact don't hand over a penny in cash ever again. If he asks for cash tell him it's standing order or nothing, and not until you come to a fair agreement as to who pays what.
He won't roll over and agree, of course. But you can only try to set out your stall and see what happens.

[DidoTheDodo]

Haven't read all the thread but does he resent paying for the eldest that (I surmise) isn't his?

I would have said (regardless of his attitude to you and the children) that the money you receive from your ex is child support and should be used to feed clothe and house your eldest, not as savings.

Agreeing with what others have said about it being very unfair and must be very stressful for you too.

[Rudejude7]

Totally agree with other comments. Have it out with him now or, even better, get rid!

[Buzzardbird]

If you want to move the thread to 'relationships' as it clearly isn't a AIBU (as you are not for a million years) you just need to 'report' it and say in the comments box that you would like it moved.
You need real life support too OP, do you have any? Women's Aid could let you know how they can help with no obligation by you to follow the advice but it would be good to know that you could do this.

[stowsettler]

Fucking hell, I am in tears reading this. How the hell can you not see what is so incredibly clear? Please leave him, contact Women's Aid and let the CSA loose on him.
I wonder how your ex would feel if he knew that the maintenance he paid for his child was going into the pocket of the wanker you are currently with.
Sorry that sounded a bit bullying (oh the irony). You poor thing, you really have to go.

[Preferthedogtothekids]

My OH and I both trained at uni together and qualified in the same job at the same time. We started work on the same salary but we had our DC and my work became more part-time and sporadic to help us cope.

Since we made the decision to have children we have had a joint account. Nearly 20 years on and we still have a joint account and he now earns about 3 times the wage I do.

It's family money, we're a team raising 2 children (and a dog). I keep track of the outgoings and tell him when there's extra for him to spend on his hobbies, but that's after the kids and the house/debts have had their share.

That's normal isn't it?

[unlucky83]

Auch - you have to give him no choice re the counselling /getting someone else's take on your situation ...
I agree with PPs - of course he doesn't want to talk to anyone or change things - he's got it too easy...
And if he won't go you haven't failed he has...
You can go to somewhere like Relate on your own - but I really think you should contact Women's aid...

[colourmehappytheresasofainhere]

Hope your ok op. What's happening to you isn't right.

[Toocold]

Auch, I am writing as the child of the financial abuser, when my mum eventually left, it got better, only better. It is not your fault. These men are controllers. As an adult I now have a relationship with my dad but it took a long time for me to accept him and a lot of change on his part, and he and I will both say it was all his doing. Your children will be so much better off seeing their mother as a strong role model, than watching their dad bullying their mum. As an adult I am affected by my dad's behaviour but in the sense that I will only except equality in everything, nothing less, that was down to my mum being strong.

I hope you find the you find the strength to do whatever works for you. Remember you are a parent for life and whilst your children maybe initially upset by any change they are resilient and it will become apparent as they become older why any change has happened.

This is not your doing, it is his.

[Beautifulbabyboy]

That's brilliant that she is tenacious and in which case I really wouldn't worry! If you have any personal questions or concerns please PM me. My parents were given a pretty negative diagnosis by doctors when I was 12 months old, and none of it has come true, in part due to my own tenancity (!) and in part due to my parents support and refusal to use CP as an excuse not to be able to do anything... I may have fallen over a bit more than other kids but I could ride a bike, i got all my swimming badges etc etc. in fact there was nothing i couldn't do - it juat may have taken a little longer to get there!

[DameDeepRedBetty]

It's very easy to get your own thread moved, 'report' your own Original Post and just say you've realised it should be in Relationships (which is full of lovely helpful people). At this time of day it should be shifted pretty quickly.
Very best wishes DDRB

[OliviaMMumsnet]

Hi there OP
As others have said, do let us know (on the thread or by reporting) if you'd like us to move this to our rships topic - it's a quick job
THanks
MNHQ

[captainmummy]

OP - couple of things struck me. One that you feel that you would be 'giving up' - but you cannot work on a partnership on your own. It takes 2. You have to both want the partnership - and it doesn't sound as if he is giving you much in the way of respect for your efforts. SO... it's not you giving up - it's him never working for it in the first place.

Other thing - you say dc love him and he loves them; but he is denying them enough food, clothing, shoes, days out... and the rest by restricting your access to joint money.

It is so wrong that you pay everything and he gets to keep his wages ' because you moved the goalposts'. The goalposts were moved independently of you - you did nothing. It happened.

You know - if you moved out, he would have to pay (to you) about 15%of his take-home pay through the CSA (check this - it might be more for 2 dc) - i bet that's more than he pays you now. And you wouldn't have to shell out for his stuff/food/electric. Does he know this?

[Retroformica]

By asking for cash there is no paper trail showing you pay for half the mortgage and bills etc.

Start writing cheques to cover the amount he requests. Refuse to give cash saying its not what you want to do. At least them there will be a paper trail showing what's happening.

Text him every month stating you have left a cheque for your half of the bills and mortgage (as always). Keep a screen shot.

[Retroformica]

I think he is trying to protect his financial interests and expects the relationship not to last.

[OliviaMMumsnet]

Hi there
We have moved this thread out of AIbu into relationships

[CharlotteCollinsismovingon]

I can't leave him, I can't be the one who gave up, that's not who I am.

OP, don't promise yourself that you will beat your head against a brick wall until the brick wall crumbles.

You don't sound as though you want to be in that relationship at all - is that because of the appointment for your DD or a more general feeling?

It does sound like you're not used to thinking of your own value - as a role model for your dcs, for example.

In general, children meeting up regularly with their father have every chance of continuing to enjoy a close relationship with him. And in your case, they would also enjoy having a much less stressed and worn down mother, who could begin to value herself more (which in turn will help them to value you more).

I think your recent decision to leave was a good one, but you need to go with it for a month or two longer before you can see whether it's a decision you're happy with.

[2isamagicnumber]

In the Guardian newspaper, Saturday's family section A letter to ..., the letter is from a woman in a very similar position to yourself. Maybe worth having a look online.

It's heartbreaking that you feel responsible when its your oh who is at fault. How can he stand by and see you and your child go without as he wants to stick to an agreement, pre children, to spilt your finances.

You shouldn't have to put up with it. Do you not feel you and your children deserve better? That said, having split from my dh over a year ago, you sometimes need space to realise you deserve better.

[GuybrushThreepwoodMP]

What a lovely easy wealthy life your oh has. Even lovelier since his promotion. Lots of lovely money, all for him.

What a prize cunt he is though.

[captainmummy]

Yep Guybrush ;- lots of lovely money, all his, a family who is looked after 24/7, a home he gets paid 50% for, food someone else pays for and cooks ...
I just bet he doesn't want to change anything!

[Ezio]

I agree with GuybrushThreepword (Mighty Pirate)

Hes got a nice cushy life with alot of disposable income.

[halfwayupthehill]

I have never heard of a sahm being expected to pay half the bills.
If your name is not on the deeds then you will have no stake in the house. He is asking for cash deliberately. There are several legal cases of men who conned their partners into paying for the mortgage and left them high and dry.
You will be better off financially as a lone parent on benefits.

[Roshbegosh]

It depresses me to think women can be treated like this and accept it in 2013. Please OP wake up and smell the coffee, it is not 1930. Either this goes on until you are a bullied pensioner or you make something change. This is your life!

[GuybrushThreepwoodMP]

Ezio