Sensitive question, sorry if TMI

[PosterPaints]

I have posted before but name-changed here.

I have had a sort of fear of giving a blow job, going back many years, mainly because my first partner used to force me and I was very uncomfortable with it and couldn't get it all into my mouth. He wanted me to practice to improve but at the same time was very critical of me and I dreaded having to do it. (I do realise that I was in an abusive relationship btw).

Then I read something that has made me doubt that I ever really understood exactly what giving oral sex actually involves (it was a previous thread on here actually, where posters described giving a blow job as being like licking a lolly - this really surprised me as this was nothing like what I was expected to do).

So my questions are:

1. Do you think that my first partner just watched lots of porn, and got his ideas from there? (as this is what I am starting to think)

1. Is the expectation that the woman would spend most or all of the time spent doing this act with the whole thing in her mouth (and I don't mean 'expectation' in a creepy way, I mean I am just wondering what the average non abusive man would expect)?

Sorry if I offend anyone by asking, I have been wondering about this as I am piecing together my understanding of what happened to me before and what I might be expected to do at some point in the future and I am not sure who or where else I can ask this. I did try googling it but as you can imagine that was not helpful.

What was it he was expecting you to do?

I just do what I feel like sometimes I dont go near it other times I might give it a few sucks. Other times I will lick, suck, touch, slap it of my face. I dont think i ever have it all in my mouth at once really. Like I might put my mouth around as much of it as I can and then slide my lips back up the length of it and repeat that motion for a while. Sometimes I like when dh holds my head or holds himself but I always guide that and I always initiate it.

Yes he watched to much porn. For most women it's not possible to deep throat without gagging. Porn gives men a misguided view about sex and body image.

Porn is not a documentary

The whole thing in is very popular in porn since the infamous "deep throat" days. In my experience the "lollipop" thing (licking, sucking, kissing it) is more common in real life. That's not to say that you can't do the whole thing in if you like it!

SirRaymond It was that he was expecting me to be able to have it all in my mouth most of the time. I felt like gagging and couldn't breathe properly, and so wrote blow jobs off completely ever since.

I honestly don't think most men have any expectations when it comes to blow jobs. Most are just happy to have a woman down there :) - as lots of women don't give blow jobs at all.

I enjoy going down there.. but I use my hand as well. So.... I suck up and down and use my hand to do the same under my mouth, so if that makes any sense (!) I'm not doing the whole gagging thing. It's like a hand job with a suck too. Throw a bit of seductive licking in and a cheeky glance up into his eyes... :)

Way too much information but oh well.

That is exactly what I was wondering eurochick - whether the lollipop approach is actually what most people do. I think I have had completely the wrong idea about what I am supposed to do and wrote it all off on the back of some bad experiences before.

In the porn I've seen, there seems to be an obsession not only with the deep-throating but also with the women making "oh you're choking me with your ENORMOUS DONG" noises, and the man sort of forcing her head onto it.

I've only met one guy who tried this and I gave him short shrift. You should not have to have it in your mouth all the time, you should not have to be choking on it, or have your head forced down on it, unless you like that.

Thank you everyone who has posted - sorry it was a bit TMI - I just had this thought that I had got completely the wrong 'end of the stick' as it were about what is involved in giving a blow job, and wanted to get someone else's view. Your responses make it sound much more feasible that I could do it in the future, so thanks!

Yes, I do what fairylea does.

I've never held it in my hand away from my face and licked it like a lolly. At least, if I had, that would be momentary.

Poster from what you describe it is hardly surprising you have felt that way about it. It sounds like he was very aggressive with you and yes, it was probably porn-led.
I think for most women this deep throat thing after a while ends up hurting their jaws, teeth and isn't very pleasant all round. What kind of sick bastard gets off on knowing their partner is gagging and can't breathe properly.
Neither gives a good description of things to do.
And if your partner even thinks about holding your head down then stop immediately.
I would hate that.

I think your previous partner watched way too much porn. As PP said, it's not a documentary - more like an action movie. Like you say, I think he was abusive. Most men would just be happy you'll give it a go.

I would tend to use a hand as well, and only concentrate on the top inch. There's a really sensitive bit just on the underside the rim that you can lick. It's not about depth at all.

If you're interested in trying it with a new partner, ask them what they like, go for the lollipop technique, and make it very clear whether you're okay for them to move on and out, and whether you want a warning before they come (so you can prepare/pull away). Makes it much more palatable.

Yes my ex had clearly watched far too much porn - I pretty much knew that already so it is not really too much of a surprise to me to realise that he then gave me the wrong idea about what I should be doing.

As in any sexual practice, if the guy is making you feel uncomfortable then stop.

The most sensitive bit of the penis is the "head" so as long as that gets most of the attention DP isn't bothered for deep throat - i seem to manage that ok, im not sure what that says about him

OP, you do what you feel comfortable with - your ex partner is a cunt and fortunately not indicative of most men! and yes, you are right, lollipop approach is much better.

whether you want a warning before they come

Yes, this is very important. I suppose if they've been watching porn they expect most women want to gargle blissfully with their output. Most women probably don't...

Poster just try different things out. I think you can't go far wrong with licking and the odd suck. And use your hand too. You don't have to do anything that makes you feel uncomfortable.
It's supposed to be fun and I'm sorry you've been made to feel so bad about it by your arsehole ex. Just think - some other poor sod is now being treated to his porn-led approach!

Deep throating is vile. I actually vomited once all over an ex's cock when he tried to shove it down my throat. However I actually love giving blow jobs, it actually turns me on, it's a bit like kissing. I changed my views on it when I began to see it as a kind of cock worship. I love the power I have of giving such intense pleasure and especially like the submissiveness of it when I am on my knees. However I don't like feeling like I have to do it or doing it just to make it come. You can ask your man how he likes it, use your tongue or your hand if your mouth gets tired. Enjoy ( and I hope your man loves to do it to you too..!) :)

especially like the submissiveness of it when I am on my knees

That's interesting - I always feel it is the man who is being submissive as he is completely vulnerable, on his back, exposed and between my jaws.

I have spent many years thinking there was something odd about me for finding it so horrible to have it all shoved in there by him, and couldn't quite work out why it seems that so many women do give their partner a bj, so it is quite a revelation that most people are probably talking about something quite different to what I experienced before and understood to be a bj. It is reassuring to hear that other people don't like it shoved right in either.

Porn definitely gives men a skewed reality on sex. Your ex just sounds like he wants to be controlling of you.

Lois, i like the submissiveness of it too - but you are right about the mans vulnerability too - i can torment my DP for ages stopping at the last minute, waiting and starting again and yes, one bite and..........maybe that is what the OP should have done to her ex

Not only was the OP's partner abusive but clearly had no idea about sex.

You can't just stuff a dick down someone's throat if they haven't overcome their gag reflex. I ain't stretching my throat for no-one.

You can move your hand up & down the shaft while you're concentrating on the head.

There are loads of books on what to do OP, and prob DVDs as well.

There's nothing odd about you PP - your ex is an actual dick.

I like giving them to my DH - pretty much along the lines of what Fairylea described above, occasionally he gets a little DT as he quite likes it but would never force and my gag reflex is not strong (or it wouldn't happen) :)

Lois - your gargle blissfully comment just made me a little nauseous BLEURGHHH :)
so glad dh prefers my glassess/or a different ouside area for the ending TMI TMI

One additional tip: spit on your hand, then use it as a sort of lip extension as described above.

I do NOT allow head-pushing, as XH1 used to do what your ex did, OP. Neither do I like it if the man holds his penis, as that again makes me feel like he's "using" me. Luckily we do call the shots in this scenario, as long as we have teeth