Why not just tell the truth?

[Sandshoes73]

Will try to keep concise, spoke and decided to separate from husband of 15 years a couple of weeks ago.
We live overseas and living arrangements are that he moved into 1 part of our house, that is self contained.
We have a 1, 3 and 5 year old. I have worked through the kids, baby has been a nightmare, not more than 2 hours sleep in a row for a year. Have tried to maintain normalcy but it has been a hard year.
During the separation talk which I started, he said I have been a bitch for the last 18 months, I spend all his money (I most certainly don't, am actually a penny pincher), don't contribute to the household etc etc
He has been unfaithful twice in the last 5 years that I know of and had online major affair going on with his ex for about 2 years as well.
I got back from holiday to read his open facebook messages to our old nanny - from when we lived in a neighbouring country 3 years ago. While I was away he paid for her airfare to come here and fucked her. I can only presume it was going on while she was working and living with us.
I confronted him with it, he said she was depressed and he was just being nice to her by getting her flight. When I said to just man up and tell the truth, he blew up and said it was all in my mind like other times and that if I wanted to go down that track and mention it again he would take our kids' passports but get me kicked out of the country.
So I backtracked, acted sorry and shut up.
I then put a keystroke logger on his computer and got his passwords etc.
He has sent her a heap of emails with porno pictures of women that look like her, naked photos of himself (puke) and explicit messages about where his hand is in relation to his cock etc., and also sent her a fair wodge of money.
Tonight, I just calmly asked if we could have an honest conversation, and told him that I know that he is with her and I am worried about the consequences of a pregnancy, getting found out etc due to the laws of the country we live in.
I said I really don't care where he puts his penis anymore and that that part of it is not what I am worried about, but I am worried about his and our welfare if anything goes awry.
I was super calm and not hysterical.
He still denies it and says nothing is happening and it's all in my mind!
Why? Why not just tell the truth for once?????
Seriously can someone help me understand how he can actually think that I will just forget everything I have seen?

If you're in a country where he could actually take your children and get you deported as he claims, I'd get in touch with Reunite asap. They can advise on how you can prevent that from happening, and also if you can take the children back to your home country, ie if you are in one which is not a signatory to the Hague Convention then that works for you (you can take them home) as well as against you (he can keep them and deny you contact, potentially). Your marriage sounds over, effectively, so worrying about proving anything seems redundant. And living in the same household sounds a bit of a disaster waiting to happen, tbh. You sound as though you're either enmeshed in mutual hatred, or well on the way to that point. Understandably, I have to say. Have you assets in the UK which you could claim in the event of a divorce? Sod whoever he's shagging, look after your own and your children's interests.

I'm really so very sorry you're in this situation.

Thanks Perfectstorm. I know the marriage is over and I have actually had some moments of happiness and optimism about getting away from the prick and getting a life back.
Yes we have assets at home.
I have hidden our passports, and I think it is just bluster as he wouldn't know what to do with the kids after 2 hours.
I am making my plans for leaving etc, I just really want to know why he keeps denying. If he really wants to hurt me, which obviously he does, why not say, 'yep, screwed her 7 ways and it was great!'.

Why wont he tell the truth?

I have thought about this a lot in other contexts such as why dont people confess when they have been convicted of serious crimes. I am sure someone could give proper psychological reasons but these are my views:

• saying the words out loud makes it real rather than fantasy. Real means that you may give some context to what he has done 'so while you were doing X, I was wiping bums/noses'. That would burst his fantasy bubble.

• he keeps (at least in his head) a bit of power, he knows something you dont. Stop caring and that knowledge loses all its power.

• he might be worried that you will laugh at him. Single handed messaging is just so adolescent.

• he might be worried that you or someone else could use the facts of his adultery against him in a very real and criminal sense.

• saying the words out loud makes it real and makes him just another common or garden adulterer. All very contemptible, a pathetic little specimen who has basically had to pay for sex (having sex with a junior employee, paying for someone to travel to have sex with him).

My guess is that it will be a mix of the above. He probably has a very inflated view of himself. The reality is just so skanky!

I'd be careful of assuming it's bluster. If he can afford a nanny then he doesn't need to worry about what he'd do with them. He could outsource it. I wouldn't underestimate how malicious people - men and women - can be in acrimonious splits.

Glad to hear you have UK assets. At least you can guarantee something of a financial settlement. If your name isn't on the deeds, you can get your interest as his wife lodged against the property on the Land Registry, so he can't sell it from under you. Easy peasy to achieve. Only costs a couple of quid to do and you can do so online, I seem to remember. Think it's a Class F Land Charge? Their site will let you know.

Could your mum or dad phone you and ask you to come over here because there's an emergency? Would you be able to take the 5 year old out of school in a hurry? If they did a good enough job of fooling him, you could be out of the country in a flash.

What a shit he is. Please don't waste your energy trying to get him to tell the truth, quietly plan to leave with your DC's.

Denying it is a way of; holding power over you (hes still keeping you hanging on to some extent), treating you with contempt (honesty shows respect, the fact that is it mainly self respect is lost on losers like your ex), it means he never has to deal with your reaction to his betral (men like him just cant be bothered dealing with all that blame face to face the poor dears), it means he can still deny it to others (which as someone else has said could help his position quite a lot, it also means he does not have too look bad to family and friends), its also very possible he is denying to himself he has done anything really bad (sounds like maybe not so much with your guy but I believe this is very common generaly). All in all he has many motivations to keep on with the lying.

Basically hes compleatly toxic (and always will be, with whichever unluck lady he pitches up with), make sure you protect yourself and your kids as much as it humanly possible and get the hell out.