My loss of libido = frustrated husband

[Bristol123]

This is my first post and I hope that someone can help me with some advice. I have been with my husband who I love with all my heart, for 16 years, married 9. However in the last 2 years my good libido has dwindled to nothing. Don't get me wrong I still fancy him but I just don't want to have sex with him - or anyone else for that matter. It is in my head, but my body does not want to do it. This is not helped by health issues resulting from the birth of our son 6 years ago. He sat on my bladder for 24 hours (so I am now constantly leaking) and I ended up with a partial prolapse that it is steadily getting worse. Not to mention low iron making me constantly tired. I work for myself which can sometimes be quite stressful at times and do my share of the chores. I have been to my dr several times (iron tablets should do it is the answer), tried natural remedies (no luck) and also acupuncture and osteopathy. The problem is that my husband who understands completely and is a wonderful man but is getting extremely frustrated. We have just come back from a fab family holiday where he told me that he is now considering finding sex elsewhere. The problem is he cannot do sex without emotion (so I risk losing him to someone else) and I don't think I could forgive him if he did. So lost and confused at the moment (and hormonal). I am 42 and should not be feeling like this - and apparently I haven't started the menopause yet. Any help would be so gratefully received.

What has your gp said about addressing your bladder problems? It sounds like if that got sorted then you'd feel like intimacy more. Have you seen a specialist, if not ask to be referred to one by your gp.

I'm a bit at your Dh for basically telling you to put out or he's off, what happened to 'for better or worse in sickness and in health?'

He should be helping you get the treatment you need.

And to be honest if my so called loving husband told me he was considering looking for sex elsewhere when I had a medical issue, I'd show him the door!

Go and have a long chat with your GP and explain what this is doing to your marriage. If you get no joy ask for a second opinion. You both sound frustrated with this situation so it would be good for your husband to accompany you.

Get as much help as you can for all your medical issues, any one of them could cause you to lose your interest in sex.

Have you tried an electric pelvic floor stimulation device - www.kegel8.co.uk/articles/pelvic-floor-exercise.html. The research is very promising.

Once that is better...

Whilst your husband's comment is unhelpful I know from first hand experience what a lack of sex can do to a LTR. My husband and I are still trying to work through the issues. My big breakthrough was accepting that he wasn't wrong in getting frustrated, even if the way he approached talking about it didn't help, and that I had to take responsibility for meeting our needs as a couple along with him. I still don't have much of a sex drive, but sex is enjoyable so why shouldn't we have sex even when I'm not spontaneously aroused.... I don't always really want to exercise but I feel good while I'm doing it and even better afterwards.. Is it bad to motivate myself to try?

People say don't have sex if you don't want to.... And that's fine if you don't enjoy it... But if you do... And it's important to your relationship... Maybe wanting to love your husband is enough.

For many people, and perhaps nearly all men, sex is an essential part of a LTR, along with trust, companionship etc. if its gone, just as if one of the other pieces were gone, a big piece of the puzzle is missing and it can feel like the rest of it doesn't make sense.

I highly recommend The Sex Starved Marriage. It helped me have empathy for my husband and myself and determined to make sex a priority again.

What does your GP say is the cause of the low iron? Sounds like he is fobbing you off with iron tablets but they are not resolving things. Coeliac disease can cause anaemia and libido loss. I second taking DH with you and speaking to the GP again.

Not a helpful comment from your husband. Whilst I would understand his frustration I would be raging after what he has said.

You need to push things further with a GP or ask for referral to a woman's health physio or specialists regarding the continence issues. Also look at aspects of your life like whether you are taking any medication that lowers libido (including contraceptive pill, some anti-depressants etc). A minor adjustment could work wonders. If these approaches fail then I would look into some psychosexual counselling for you alone or with husband.

Bristol go and have your testosterone progesterone and oestrogen levels checked.

In the mean time, KY jelly and keep on keeping on. I actually think that we get 'testosterone injections' from them! So the more we do it the better it gets.

But just an unchecked, unproven theory I have, I am quite sure I could be wrong...

When my libido dropped and I knew very patient DH was getting frustrated, I would say (some of the times), when he tried it on 'OK,, persuade me'... and he did (he knew exactly how to turn me on!!) and about 80% of the time we had lovely sex. I would add that he didn't complain when I just said 'No'.

But that 'I could be persuaded' kept it going to our mutual benefit.

try an electric pelvic toner - about £40 new from ebay or online - try the tens brand.

use for 20 minutes a day for 2 months and it is said to cure many or most urinary problems and minor prolapse.

i know someone who has avoided prolapse surgery by using one of these so please give it a go!