Help & ideas to improve my relationship with my son please.

[jimijack]

He is 10.
We have never enjoyed a close relationship probably because I had PND and have always found him to be challenging. (Didn't sleep through until he was 5 and at school, destructive behaviour, hard, hard work)
I now have a baby, no repeated PND, feel great but my ds is driving me mad.

DH said to me today "stop having a go at him" which made me stop dead. I am always, constantly irritated by him.
The mess he makes, the noises he makes, the arguments about everything he is asked to do.

He & DH are very very close, go everywhere together, do everything together, very loving. It's a gorgeous relationship.

I AM tired, bf every 2-3 hours day & night so can't be apart for long.

It's such an effort to have a nice relationship with my boy.

I feel it's not right, nor is it normal.
Any one understand or can offer advice. It's breaking my heart.

I have been through similar. Ds1 was very high maintenance, I had pnd etc. Then ds2 arrived and was a dream baby (well until he got to 9mths but that's a whole different story). I felt so guilty that 1) I hadn't enjoyed the baby bit with ds1 and 2) that I resented ds1 for spoiling the baby bit with ds2.

I had to make a real effort. I planned an activity for ds1 for one of the naps times, and did it no matter how tired I was. I gave lots of hugs and used to sit in his room at night and cuddle him when he was asleep (to remind myself how much I adored him).

I read a book called three shoes, one sock and no hairbrush that helped me understand my feelings.

Is your one being treated?

pnd not one

Do something just the two of you on a regular basis, maybe you visit your mum or go to the cinema / museum

Try not to sweat the small stuff. If he's naughty or irritating ask yourself if it needs challenging or if its just annoying. Try to avoid conflict as much as you can. Let his dad take over the discipline for a while

Sounds like he is trying to get your attention and even negative attention is better than no attention. Have you read "How to talk so your child will listen and listen so they will talk" It gives good strategies/ways of talking that might help. I found it useful for dealing with my dc.

Also I am trying to concentrate on good behaviour and let them know that I value them for just being themselves - not just when they behave.

I have been having serious clashes with my dd (age 10) and wondered if her behaviour was her attempt to get attention from me even if it was me being cross with her. Today I took her out for lunch and a mooch round the shops, telling her that I just wanted to hang out with her. It was only a couple of hours but she was so thrilled to have her mum to herself - it was lovely actually.

Pick your battles too - I know how hard this is when you are tired and when they seem to push all your buttons.

Thanks for replies. They all make good sense. I haven't read that book hebe, I will have a look on Amazon for it thanks.

I suppose that I am getting my knickers in a twist for nowt some days. I don't have PND this time, I'm just pissed off with the battles. Being tired doesn't help.

It's breaking my heart.

It's probably already broken your son's, especially if he can see how much you adore your new baby compared to your constant irritation with him.

I've lived a version of this - the difference being that my mother didn't care enough to try and change it so credit to you for that - it's a recipe for sibling hatred and emotional detachment. I didn't realise how 'not good' my relationship with my mother was until the twins were born (it was okay and it functions but then I saw her with the children she actually loved...).

Start with talking to him, just you and him. Feed the baby, hand the baby to your DH and spend some quality time talking to your son about how he feels. How is he coping with a new sibling, does he feel pushed out, does he know that you love him etc. What he says (if he talks to you) may make for difficult and unpleasant listening, it is entirely possible that he doesn't feel loved/valued/respected, it is possible that he resents his new sibling and wished they hadn't been born, it is possible that he just doesn't know how he feels. Beyond that, it is possible that he just won't feel emotionally safe telling you the truth - he may not trust any reassurances that he won't get into trouble for what he says.

Some people find talking about what they feel very hard; if he can't/doesn't want to speak to you about it, encourage him to write it out so that you can read it. Engage your DH as well, tell him that you want to sort this out an ask him to help you - your DS may be more inclined to talk to your husband if their relationship is close. Above all, do not tell your son off for anything he is feeling, look for ways to change how is feeling. Accept that this is a process that will take time.

Wow andro what an honest, Insightful and raw post Thank you so much.
That is what I actually NEED to know, what is it like from his perspective.

I know I am being a rubbish mum at the moment and excuses like "I'm tired" won't ease long term damage to his little mind.

I don't love the baby more than I love him, 2nd time around, I find it easier. He was my pfb, but has always been difficult to parent.

The baby came after years of difficulties. He is nothing short of a miracle, ds1 appears to adore him, he is wonderful with him and I take every opportunity to tell him this.

He feels that he can do nothing right, but I feel like he doesn't even try.

I WILL as you suggest talk to him. I need a clear picture, then I can start to make it right for him.

Thank you again.

OP this can be resolved. Give your DS lots of positive praise. Don't focus on the negatives, try to ignore him when he does something wrong or is annoying. Instead focus on the positives. Any time he does something right give him lots of praise and attention, really load it on. Soon he will be tripping over himself trying to please you. Give him lots of hugs, tell him you love him, bake cup cakes, play football with him, do silly/fun things together. You will soon reap the rewards. You can turn your relationship with your ds around, he can't do it but you can. I promise it will work. I had a similar, difficult relationship with my ds1 and I did all the advice above and we are extremely close now - my ds is 13. Good luck!

My ds (9) is extremely sensitive to the point that a counsellor that the school drafted in told him how to deal with how to deal with other kids problems and prevent them from being his own! He is exhausting and there is quite regularly tears, he talks about being bullied when he isn't which the school say he isn't, there are tantrums etc. He really drags me down but what I find that computer time has to stay to 1 hr a day, that for me is a huge factor otherwise he can go into meltdowns! Recently he has been an absolute pain in the backside and constantly pushing mine and dh's buttons and honestly we were constantly shrieking at him! I am trying a new tack due to guilt, he got out of bed and got in with dh and said 'why am I so bad all of the time? I don't know how to change'. Genuinely, it broke my heart, so I wrote him a letter at 11pm telling him how much we all love him,how great he is and that he is good at so many different things and how proud we are of him. I got him to read the letter the next day and he smiled at me and said 'thanks mum'. I then told him that we were going to start doing a daily list of what he has found to be good and what makes him happy during the day. Funnily enough, it's a light nice bonding time with him but it has also helped to shift my perspective on him being good and has made me realise that I was focusing only on the bad behaviour and not the good behaviour. Last night, I was in the list for making him happy and told me to write he was happy because he had the best mum in the world! Just keep perservering

Please please read this book OP

Thanks, it's all so doable but difficult to see when you are in the thick of it.

He isn't interested in computers or computers things, he is an action packed little dude so we never have that argument.
Thing is he is not affectionate either, he will move away if we sit too close to him, doesn't like cuddles and hates kisses,always been like this.

When he was little, when I struggled the most with him, at bed time I used to tell him 5 things that made me happy & smile about him that day, he loved that. I will do that again.
I put a wee note in his packed lunch this morning saying I love him & can't wait to see him after school.
We had no issues this morning and I bit my tongue when I wanted to be cross with him about...well, small insignificant things really.

Getting there. X

Wow Jimijack, no advice really as my perspective is similar to Andro's but just had to say please keep doing what you're doing & don't give up on improving the relationship with him, everyone needs a Mum who is always on their side accepting them & loving them for who they are. Looking for the positive in your son is absolutely what he needs, he is a lucky boy to have you as you've recognised the problem & are taking action to change things, all with a baby and lack of sleep to contend with, well done! As the first born of a mum who had PND I was labelled as difficult while my favoured brother could do no wrong, this emotional abuse has resulted in counselling & me having no contact with my parents so please continue to be a better Mum than mine was.

Really sorry, just realised it sounds like I'm labelling your behaviour as emotional abuse and it really isn't what I meant. The difference is that you have asked for help & most importantly said the situation breaks your heart, my Mum would never have said that. Apologies if I caused offence.