step parent

[gomnerves]

My son was in a relationship for 6 years. When he met his ex she already had a 3 month old baby. The baby grew up now( 7 years old) and called him daddy they spent a lot of time with myself and dh holiday, christmas etc.

In january they spilt up. She has moved to a new relationship. My son still sees the child.
However the exp has asked if he can help her out with some ongoing childcare whilst she is at work which would mean every other sunday at my house.

My DH says this is not on and he should not be seeing the child anymore. I have had this opinion from alot of people.

My son is anxious not to upset the child who he has a bond with.

I feel caught in the middle. Any advice??

It is upto your son, not your DH (or any other people) to choose whether to maintain a relationship with this child.

He is, for all emotional purposes, the childs father figure. I assume you and your DH treated this woman and her child as part of the family? Accepted the child as though it were a blood grandchild? TBH your DH sounds a cold fish if he can emotionally cut off from this child in such a way.

Your son might not be biologically his father,but to this child hes all he,s known. Just bcos the relationship has ended doesnt mean your son cant be part of dcs life.dont listento what others say,do what feels right for your family.

It sounds like although not biologically, your son is a father to that child. As he has been so involved in the child's life and allowed the child to call him dad he has taken on parental responsibility. This must be so confusing and difficult for the child involved. My friend went through something similar and her ex decided he no longer wanted anything to do with her son even though he had been his father for 11 years. My friends son was absolutely devastated as he could not understand what he had done wrong and why his dad would no longer want to see him.

What does your son want to do? No one can really dictate what he should or shouldn't do. But if I was in that situation I could not just walk away from a child I had parented for 7 years. I think every Sunday sounds fair and I would be hoping for every second weekend if I was your son. How do you feel? Do you feel like this child is a part of your family and is your grandchild?

We were always very supportive of them as a family unit yes I think of the child as family.

My son still wants contact.
The child has a bio father who they see very occasionally when visiting her paternal GM. But he rarely has anything to do with the child.
Alot of people are very unsupportive of this situation.

But your right it?s my son?s decision ultimately not my DH

Seriously, you have to ask? I'm glad your son has a greater sense of compassion and love than that of his father and the callous opinions of his mothers acquaintance.

What 'people' are unsupportive of the situation? They must be very odd

I think your son is admirable in being able to separate his ended relationship with his ex and still being a father figure to a child hes effectively raised.

Alot of men would find it all too easy to walk away from the situation.

Loads of people seem to think he should walk away. My father and my brother for a start and a lot of my colleagues.

Until I explain the negative effect this would have on a child and the fact that he has a bond with the child etc. But I think they still have trouble getting head round it. Most people are of the opinion he?s only young and should walk away.

"Anyone can be a father but it takes someone special to be a Dad"

This ^

Your son is that little girls dad. My eldests "Dad" is not her bio-father, in fact as a teen she moved to go and live with him and it's only now she's much older that she's decided to get in touch with her bio-father.

Gom, be proud that you raised such a compassion young man.

Your son is a good man.

Not so sure about your husband.

Yes, definitely be proud of your son. And yourself for raising him. I hope you get behind him 100% and tell all the nay-sayers to do one. Its not even any of their business

Does your son want to see the child? Just re reading your OP, its not clear

I hope when my DD has a stepfather, hes as dedicated to her as your son is to his DSD.

Yes he does want to maintain a relationship

Thank you for all your supportive answers

Another who thinks they should stay in contact, the child has known him practically all his life!

Well done on raising a lovely young man who wants to do the right thing. My DSM is one of my best friends, I hope I don't get ditched if her and DF get divorced

Plenty of deadbeat biological parents out there, your DS sounds wonderful.

Oh and a child an never have too much love, whoever it comes from.

That should be justification enough for all those being negative.

I have a 20 year old son. I met B when he was a year old. Myself and B split up when he was around 4. B stayed in contact with ds and took him every monday night and brought him to swimming lessons every week. He always contributed towards xmas and b'days. I am married and have 2 more children. B comes to our house every single year for xmas and vists regularly. Ds has been living with B for the last year. Ds decided when he was 3 that he wanted to call B dad. I sat B down and explained what that meant and how big a responsibility it was. He has never let him. B never had anymore children. Leave it between the 2 of them. Don't interfere.

*never let him down

Cut off contact with a child he has brought up since babyhood, and lived with as a father for seven years?? Really?!

Well, a similar thing happened with a friend of mine, but the ExBF DID cut off all contact. The child (a girl, who was six by then) was utterly devastated.

It is, of course, not your business what your son does, but I hope he stands by the child and continues to stay in touch. Your DH is wrong.

Neitherone - that's a lovely story.

neitherone I told that story to my son