Feeling so rubbish over past sex with partner

[Imdoingthis7]

I have NC I posted on here a while back and left my partner who was abusive.
He was very controlling and we had been together a long time since I was 17 he was 9 years older.
We have been split 18 months and I'm finding it hard to date anyone else as I'm scared of entering into the bedroom,I don't want to put in that same situation again.
I'm not 100% sure why
He would use names to get sex if I said no, make me feel bad,it was always his way I went along with things I didn't want to do if I said no hes always change my mind
I hated sex in the end with him and felt like I was screaming inside but sometimes never said a word I'd just prayed for it to be over.
He'd wake me up in the night for sex, I never in initiated sex in the end anymore when I did he turned his back on me on one occasion, I felt like a numb object in the end.
Not sure what I'm asking some perspective I think

you need to feel wholey (sp?) safe and trust someone completely on an emotional level before you put yourself in that situation again, I think. I think when you've found someone truly lovely and patient you needto discuss this with them so they can be aware. xx

It's not surprising you feel bad if you were forced into having sex on multiple occasions. If you were doing it against your will, it was essentially rape. That takes a long time to recover from.

Thank you
Is there anything I can do to help get over it.
It used to feel like I was crying screening inside but I never said anything at the time but I was obviously not engaging iykwim
He'd say in the middle of the afternoon "we are having sex tonight" if I said no on occasions it would end in sex one way or another I actaly think he suppressed my sex drive if that's even possible
Things he made me do are things if not chose to do.
Just feels better for talking about it tbh it's been a closed box

My situation was miles different from yours. But I remember making myself masturbate not long after I was attacked, to reclaim my body for me. It was difficult because I felt ashamed to be using my body for pleasure, but it was helpful. I don't think you ever completely get over it, but remembering that your body is yours to do with what you wish is a first step.

Well done on leaving your ex and I am so sorry for what you have been through.

No direct experience, but would contacting women's aid be a first step so they could point you in the right direction for getting some counselling, for what i agree was rape.

loispudding I completely get what you mean immediately after I left I made myself have a one night stand I had to just to what I thought then help me get over it but emotionally after I don't think it did me much good, and now I'm backing off from men.

Thanks sqidgy I have been in toutch with wa
I do feel that what do I say, is there anything to say about it? It happens for years and its left me feeling rubbish I'm not sure counselling could help or not, maybe if its specialised then it might be a good idea.

I think you have to be kind and patient with yourself. It's not something that will go away overnight.

OP I was in a very similar position. By the time my marriage ended I truly believed that I hated sex and would never want it again. All the time I was single I didn't miss sex or think about it at all.

Then I met my new partner. In the early days of knowing him I confided in him bits about my marriage and I grew to trust him. As time went on and we got more flirty I made it clear that I had a massive issue with sex and I asked him to respect my wishes and need for time, which he was extremely happy and willing to do.

The really surprising bit was when I realised I was in love with him and wanted to take things further. I ended up making the first move and I was the one reassuring him that it was ok and what I wanted. It happened so much quicker than I ever thought it would because I loved and trusted him.

Now I realise that I don't hate sex at all. I hated sex with my XH because of how he made me feel and all the things I felt I had to do. There are certain things that my DP and I don't do, because there are very negative associations and I know I wouldn't feel comfortable with them.

The simple fact for me is that sex is great when it's with someone you love and trust.

Don't put pressure on yourself. If you want to date, be firm with your boundaries; anyone who can't deal with or respect those boundaries won't be worth wasting any more time on. Firm boundaries are a great way of sifting out the twats.

Good luck x

Thanks leo
That's help full to know that's things can get better
I hate feeling like this leaves so many invisible scars

I completely understand. The thing about scars (whether they're visible or invisible) is that although they're always there, you think about them less and less. Of course with invisible ones it means having to talk about them if you need someone to know and understand your history, and that's where counselling is a great help.

The other thing about scars is that they're a great sign that you're a survivor :)

Yeah I hated sex now my sex drives returned but I'm not ready emotionally yet.

I hope I can learn to trust again and feel 'safe' x