Quick. PLEASE help me warn a friend- RED FLAGS!!

[KeepTryin]

After reading on here I am now certain i have spotted several red flags of controlling and abusive behaviour with best friends new boyfriend. I don't want to go into too much detail about it in case it outs either of us, but she is desperate for the relationship to work. How do I warn her/support her etc?
Did any of your friends warn you? Any do's and don'ts for how I handle it. I'm seeing her tomorrow. Thanks in advance. I'm nervous about posting this, apologies if I inadvertently cause any offence. I don't want her to shut me out as she's very open about their difficulties at the moment. And also if she stays with him then she will feel uncomfortable when we are all together which will ultimately lead to her isolation won't it?
A few examples.
Taking her phone, shaking her, very mean then very nice, belittling her in public, asking what she's wearing, being uncontactable, unreliable but expects a lot from her, still having issues with his ex (no kids) needing her to prove her love.

Shaking her? Bloody hell - that's not a red flag for potential abusivd behaviour, that there is physical assault.
I haven't been in this situation so leave it to others to advise but - good luck!

Thanks. Yeah, I was shocked that she told me and didn't seem concerned herself...

I missed jealousy off the list... I keep going over everything she has told me in my head and remembering things.

My goodness, just read your post. Get your friend away from that man. I was married to that type for 17 long years. They never change and it will get soooo much worse. Unfortunately for me I seem to be back in another similar relationship, he is always right and everything he says goes. It's crazy. Downstairs writing this while he sleeps, as he just rejected me because I wanted sex and he didnt, wouldn't be able to do that to him. Hope this helps. Lots of love x

Do I just tell her outright what I think?I'm really worried about scaring her away from me. I've told her gently he shouldn't be getting so cross as to shake her and some of his behaviours could be construed as controlling but I think she's in denial because she wants it to work with him.

Tell her, but be prepared for her to ignore you and minimise it all. Then try to stay available for the inevitable.

I had this with a friend. Tell her once what you think and keep the door open. Tell her your door is always open. My friend eventually got out and came to mine's.

To keep it easier, try to use I statements and and stick to incontrovertible facts, "I get really worried that he shakes you."

Be aware that men like this often try to separate and isolate their partners from friends. Try to stay available to her.

I think you should speak your mind. But don't expect to be thanked for it. But try and do it in as sympathetic a way possible. But I imagine that deep down she knows this is very inappropriate behaviour. But will probably deny it or even get annoyed at you. It's part of the course.

Give her the number for Women's Aid and ask her to talk to them.

Do nothing that will help him to isolate you from her, stick to actual tangible things like mrsT suggests but that is it you then leave it with your door being open.

Thanks everyone. Feel sick about this. I remembered also he's trying to sabotage her diet and when he eventually turned up to collect her today (couple of hours late with no explanation) he was asking me where we'd been and asked more than once.. I will def speak to her and let her know I'm here any time she needs me. Ill try not to tell her what to do though and just stay in touch with her as much as I can.

Buy her a copy of Lundy Bancroft's Why Does He Do That?

Don't criticise him - that will encourage her to defend him. Just ask her what she thinks and then shut up and listen while she works out her own point of view. If she goes quiet ask open questions eg so how did you feel about that; or reflect back eg you felt sad but didn't mention anything?; or validate eg yes I can see how that must have made you feel really angry etc

Sounds a bit robotic like that... but you get the gist. The idea is to bolster her confidence in her own thoughts and help her see her feelings as legitimate so that she leaves the shitty bastard herself.

You will need much patience.

If you go to women's aid website there is a list of signs as to how to spot an abuser. I suggest you print it off and give it to her. These men can seem very charming and seductive at first but the abuse will only get worse. I'm not sure how you do this but you can also now check to see if a man has any convictions for dv related offences. Good luck!

Hi. Thanks again. The advice on not to criticise him is great, I may have done that so will now choose my words more carefully. I will try and get her to talk about how she feels and just listen, not judge.
I have looked at the women's aid and also bookmarked the article on 'losers' I will show her when I think she's ready to take it on board. I don't think Clare's law is accessible where I am yet I'm very nervous about seeing her, I don't want to handle this the wrong way. Luckily they don't live together yet!

www.drjoecarver.com/clients/49355/File/IdentifyingLosers.html

Did anyone show here this?

Thanks hissy. I read that last night. Made me even more sure. I will show her when I think the time is right...

Sabotaging her diet...ugh.

She needs to escape, all this can only get worse.