Arsehole of a 'D'P / 'D'H

[MotherOfDragon]

When I was in my abusive marriage (a whole other thread!) I used to read the relationship boards but not post. Why? Because although I knew I should leave and I wanted to leave I wasn't quite there yet.

Anyone who has never been in that position doesn't quite understand the power that other person has over you. You hate them and love them in equal measures, you can't leave because you feel dependent but you cry almost daily.

So this thread is a safe place. To talk without judgement and with NO ONE PERMITTED TO SAY LTB. You know you need to, that's enough. We can give advice on how to get yourself sorted / protect yourself or just chat, whether you are preparing to get yourself out, know you need to one day or want to hold someone's hand check in here.

I wish someone had made a thread like this when I needed it. Hopefully this will help someone out there.

Blow away alwaysonmymind. Harness the current fire in your belly and use it to propel you forward.

Thanks Isetan.
I have calmed down a bit now! But I emailed my solicitor through an old work email he knows nothing about. I have told her to send him a letter. If I think about this too much I will loose my nerve.

I confided in a friend yesterday. She is always brutally honest ! She has said that I need to remember this hurt/anger/whatever this feeling is as I keep accepting his behaviour and it keeps repeating. She is, of course, totally correct. She has even offered a place to stay if we need to go as he has been violent in the past. Her view of this is from a distance - I can't see the wood for the trees. I need to keep in mind that this is going to get worse but that it will be better in the end.

I think I have to keep my head now and not back off like I have done in the past. It is scary but I feel eerily calm - very strange
( but in a good way)

Wow. So many of us in a similar boat! It's been very enlightening reading this thread and many thanks MOD for starting it. I can point to so many specific examples of my H's abusive behaviour but I can't bring myself to do anything about it. I'm living a keen fantasy life at the moment, I have secretly looked at other properties and have had estate agents in who are keen to sell our house (one of whom was hoping to do an open house next weekend) but I can't seem to get to the point of telling H that I want to divorce him and sell the house and take my half and get out of his life... how do you BEGIN that conversation??

I may be lucky in that H has been really keen to point out my faults recently, I had the idea of documenting everything he says that is wrong with the way I do things and use that as a way of 'releasing' him from his obligation to keep me as a wife... but not sure that that works with emotionally abusive men. He will turn the tables somehow.

I am so grateful for Lundy Bancroft. But I've read the book 'Why Does He Do That?' (which is excellent), know that H ticks all the boxes but I'm not sure what to do next. How do we eject these men from our lives? I would love to have a 'Nigella' moment with photographers present as all our friends think H is a bit over the top but would not classify him as abusive...

I think sometimes it can be very helpful to be told that it's OK to end a relationship. Women in bad relationships are often told by friends, family members, religious groups (which are all harmful to women anyway) that they need to 'work at the relationship' - even if the man is beating and raping them, they are told to submit, obey, not to 'provoke' him, 'give' him more sex, etc. Sometimes a woman doesn't know that an aggressive man can be forcibly removed from the home by the police and banned from returning even if the home is in his name.
Yes, it can take time to get ready to leave, and the more isolated and dependent an abusive man has made you, the harder it may be (if you have several children and/or one has SN of some kind and you have no income and no family nearby etc).

Sold Gold Brass - how right you are and I have experienced that negativity today. I told two friends that I am going to start divorce procedures.
I really thought they would be positive but one asked could I afford to keep the house by myself and what would I do about this, that and the other. I replied that I didn't know, didn't care but it would get dealt with when the time comes. I get that she is very savvy financially and always very organised.
My other friend was great. In fact she said "that's why always is there now - she has thought too much about all the details in the past." She then told me that she would do whatever she could to help if I every needed it.
I don't know what I expected but I was a bit surprised really.
Ah well I guess I am at the bottom of a steep learning curve

solid you are so right. Having had an EA bf many years ago, i found I couldn't leave him, even tho friends were telling me to. I just wanted him to stop the abuse and love me again. Then suddenly, the abuse stopped and so did the passion and the affection, and I saw him for what he was. It was easy to end it then. It's ok to end a relationship - you will survive, and probably thrive.