No Contact with Toxic Parents

[silverphotoframe]

I have had a very difficult and draining relationship with both my parents since adolescence (I am now 32). My father is distant, cold, angry, critical, nasty, abusive - the list goes on and on. My mother has always sided with my dad - she has gaslighted me my whole life telling me things have not happened or been said etc, she's controlling, engulfing, invalidating etc.

I have suffered from low self esteem most of my adult life as a consequence and have harboured huge resentment and anger towards them for years and years. The anger always ends up chewing away at me. I have spoken to my mum loads of times about how they treat me affects me etc but it always falls on deaf ears. My mum tells me its my fault and that I was just "born this way" and am too over sensitive. She denies any abuse.

I have been having counselling for about a year which has helped loads, putting things into perspective and realising I'm not the mad one, that actually they have been very abusive towards me my whole life.

So, two weeks ago, I confronted my mum once again about how she treats me and how I don't like it. She subsequently asked me what I wanted from her and I told her to leave me alone, that I want to live my own life with less of her and my dad in it.

I feel great. I feel like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders. I usually have a sense of anxiety about me, but now I feel empowered and in control - the first time in my life. She has texted me a couple of times asking if she could meet up with me but so far I don't feel ready to see or speak to her. I feel like I have made the right decision. I may see them again in the future, but perhaps for the occasional family get together - weddings, funerals, Christmas etc.

Just wanted to share.

Well done. I am in a similar position to you. I miss having A family (ie an ideal, loving supportive one) but I don't miss having what I actually had. My mum was like your mum, very cold etc and supported my dad's abuse of me. I am wondering if they died would I even go to their funerals. I'm not sure. Their treatment of me has been worse and more damaging than anything anyone else has ever done to me in my life.

I've been low contact with my toxic parents since Christmas and feel so much better for it. I still see them occasionally at family do's but never on my own.

The thought of seeing them used to make me anxious and stressed and I would feel even worse after. I really wanted to cut contact but felt guilty about not seeing them, so was trapped in this negative cycle.

My CBT therapist told me guilt is much easier to deal with and rationalise than anxiety. Anxiety is far complex, so I went with guilt! Tbh I don't even feel that guilty anymore. I wish I'd fine it sooner

I intend to do low contact too, complete cut off seems a bit too harsh and final at the moment but who knows how things might pan out?

I always suffer terrible anxiety in the run up to meeting up with them and it turns to boiling point when I am, for example, at their house. I have been thinking for years about cutting them out but the guilt thing has always stopped me. But I don't feel guilty either, I feel like I should have done this years ago!

Like you weirdthing, no one has ever damaged me as much as them. I hope you are happier now without them in your life.

With you all, its a bugger. Agree am rather damaged by mine too and so fearful of passing same onto my kids. Anyone else?

Me too. The true extent of it all is still coming to light tbh. Their effect on me is completely insidious. It's seeped into all my relationships I'm realising. I would be truly heartbroken if i pass it onto DS.

''I always suffer terrible anxiety in the run up to meeting up with them and it turns to boiling point when I am, for example, at their house. I have been thinking for years about cutting them out but the guilt thing has always stopped me. But I don't feel guilty either, I feel like I should have done this years ago!'' This!

I feel so free having cut off nearly all contact. I feel Ive taken charge of my own life and feel much more positive and confident!

I'm withdrawing too. It feels great. Daughter of two narcs.....one sis is a narc, the other has walked away.

Yy salbertina....I've been asking myself if I'm turning my kids into me....perhaps im more critical than I should be, I just don't know.

I know i am- seems to be my default
setting. Which i consciously need to kick against. Having sn kid/s makes it too easy to criticise.

Its a huge leatning curve, snt it. My son is highly strung. I'm realising that I just need to take a softly softly approach towards him, which doesn't come naturally to me...I'm pretty robust myself. He was disturbed for the entire weekend after watching me and his dad have a minor argument, which rarely happens....my sister was the difficult tantrumy one according to family lore, but I think she was just stressed at all the fighting that went on and was badly handled. My parents are crap and have no idea how to be emotionally sensitive.

How do you do softly, softly, Pig? Kind of love bombing approach? Been wondering about that tho aware been much MN debate about it.

Here with you OP. Terribly toxic parents, fortunately father now dead and I'm on the other side of the planet from my mother, which definitely helps! No contact at all although I did see her at a brother's funeral in 2008 - she said two sentences to me and I recognised immediately that she had not changed a jot. Stay strong and as far from them as possible would be my advice; they will never change or have any remorse for their behaviour, and if you have kids of your own you will want to keep them AS FAR FROM your parents as possible. It is hard though, and societal pressure (particular that one must love one's mother, regardless) is often very difficult, particularly for those of us with the non-existent self-esteem these damaging relationships have left us with. Good luck!

As I posted in another thread, I don't see or talk to my dad, despite him living nearby. Always critical, never supported anything I did of my own accord. Gave up on him 20 years ago and haven't looked back. Don't need his negativity. It's very liberating. Worth remembering that those apron strings work both ways and once you're an adult to view parents as other people who happen to have shared genes. If they offer nothing positive beyond that, ignore them like you would anyone else. We're all self-critical, capable of making ourselves feel bad. Who needs other people doing it to us as well, parents or not?

Sal, he kept having nightmares after watching me have a row with my toxic mother about 2 months ago ....he's not used to conflict so it freaked him out. Then I started attachment parenting him, letting him decide what he would have for dinner and basically tried to let him guide me so he could get some feeling of control and confidence back. Crucially, I put him in my bed with me for a few nights. Lots of reassurance...he went back to normal.....then my husband and I had that now on Saturday morning and he's relapsed.

He misses my mum, he needs to see her so I'm going to have to pick up the phone :(

We've got a new baby plus family toxic tension so all under pressure, and he picks. Up. On. It. All.

Its been almost 3 weeks of no contact. This morning my mum has turned up on my doorstep unannounced. Basically I did'nt let her in. She was sending me messages saying she is coming in peace blah blah but I'm annoyed that she has just turned up. This is one of the reasons for no contact because she never respects my boundaries. I have asked her to respect my space, that I will contact her when I am ready and confirmed that both me and my DD are well. In fact the last 3 weeks have been the best of my life now that I have taken action against my parents. I just don't like the feeling of being barricaded in my own home. I actually have lots of things to do today and was about to leave with DD when she turned up.

Stick to your guns, OP. I've gone no-contact with one parent and minimum-contact with the other and frankly it's bliss compared to actually having to see the feckers. I actually feel suicidal at the mere thought of having to speak to them.

I'm sorry your mum turned up like that.

Well done. She's just testing the water. Ignore the visit and get on with your day.

I am very disappointed and annoyed that she did it. Luckily she is not on the doorstep anymore but I am paranoid she is still in the vicinity and hopefully I won't bump into her when I go out do my chores etc. I have felt so much better the last few weeks, it just goes to show how much energy they zapped from me and how unhappy I was. I'm proud of myself for sticking with my guns and not letting her in. She posted a letter through my door basically saying she thinks I am a good person but I have a demon inside me trying to get out sometimes (?!). Actually I think that demon has been my feelings of unhappiness that I have not listened to my whole life. If that is my demon I am happy to have him because it is telling me what is right for me. It also feels like she is blaming me for how I feel.

Hey, I've just thought of a whole other take on this situation. You just finally got to be the one in control. Okay, she came over, but you didn't give in. Well done. This is your first step into a whole new world, seriously.

As the day has gone on I have become increasingly irritated by mum's visit this morning. It is so disrespectful when I had asked her for space and told her coming round was not convenient. I has just further cemented my belief that I want her out of my life. She will never respect my boundaries.

It was disrespectful. You have every right to feel irritated.

She is trying to regain control by forcing her way into your space.

Be proud of yourself that you stood up to her by not letting her in!! You have the control now. Keep it!

for you. Very well done

Last night and so far most of today, I have just felt really down. I feel like she has totally undermined me by turning up and even though I did'nt let her in and I should be proud of this I still feel like she has scored against me. For the last 3 weeks I have felt so much more in control, confident, happy etc and now I just feel like I always have which is basically angry and frustrated at having no control and being totally undermined. I think that I will write her a letter/email about how I feel which also states that I do not want her coming round to my house without an invitation. The whole thing has made me want to see her less. When I first started this cut down in contact I had thought that we could still meet up every now and then but now I'm thinking I never want to see her again.

Did you write the letter silver? I hope you didn't as I suspect she will have just used it as 'evidence' that you are in the wrong and its nothing to do with how she is.