When an abusive partner accuses you of being the abusive one

[gotadifferentnamenow]

How do you know what's the truth?

I mean I suppose it is theoretically possible to be that un self-aware.

I am mulling over a long-gone relationship now, so don't "need" to do anything. I only realised some time after the (v difficult) breakup that he was verbally, emotionally, and occasionally physically abusive, and I've suppressed a lot of memories (eg it was only after I came across some old emails of mine to a friend that I remembered he probably cheated, more than once).

It seems to happen often on here - cheaters accuse their partners of cheating, controlling people accuse their parners of controlling. I suppose the EA is so intangible I'm finding it harder to remember that I didn't abuse him, whereas I can be quite certain I didn't cheat although I was often accused of it. But what if I really was/am EA and I drove him to the rest of it?

There is a conversation about abusers accusing their partners of being abusive on the EA thread today, OP, might be worth a look?

Nellie, yes a bit of a hijack, but a really tough situation that you are in now. And it will be tough for many months to come, I expect, and you will feel incredible pressure from within to look the other way again and "unknow" what you have found out about yourself.

Have you talked to Respect? They would probably be the people most able to help you work through everything and come out the other end as a kind, loving, self-contained person.

There's also this book which I've heard of - might be helpful?

Start your own thread in a quieter place, and invite trusted posters over?

Neelie, sorry - spelt your name wrong!

Thanks Charlotte. Where is a quieter place? How do you do inviting trusted posters over. I haven't been on here much so don't know anyone really, trusted or not. I haven't heard of Respect. I'll look it up.

I'll PM you.

Did you want to control him? Yes I think so

Did you think that he needed your help to run his life or he would mess it up? Definitely.

Did you think you had a right to impose your will on him? Yes I think so.
Did you think that it was his job to look after you? Yes

Did you see him as a person in his own right with needs and rights of his own? No I don't think so.

I have only just spotted that list. It is scary seeing myself there.

Got, ha! Yup, know this one. Apparently, the reason we weren't reconciling after his 'fuck you' affair was because I didn't make him feel safe.

Lundy Bancroft has the answer to this one. He lays out some basic points for what constitutes a healthy relationship.

Whoever is consistently violating those basic points (and he says it is invariably one) is the abuser.

It is quite a simple, and devastating test.

I really ought to read Lundy Bancroft. I've been meaning to for a long while.
Thanks, for all the responses. My mind is whirling a bit too much to construct any sort of response now, but I'll be back later. Kernowgal, I was also apparently cold and selfish (very, very often selfish).
Neelie - best of luck. Sounds a difficult journey.

Oh, and Charlotte - I'll pop over to the EA thread and have a read, thanks. :)

This thread has really struck a chord with me.

I left ea ex a year ago and due to having ds still communicate with him.

I find myself pondering over his state of mind often. The effect on me has lessened and I think it's made way for me to consider how on earth someone behaves that way. I genuinely think my ex has some sort of personality disorder.

Just last week he sent me a rather abusive text message and my first though was "he's got a screw loose"

Literally 30 seconds later he said those exact words to me (I'd ignored a text message as it had zero to do with ds, something I've told him I will do, thats why i apparently why I've got a screw loose)

It got me thinking about how he does think. I really don't think he believes his behaviour is wrong.

We are talking very basic human qualities that he lacks. I know that whilst we were together I made "things" worse. I'd get furious and angry and frustrated which just exasperated his behaviour and ground me down.

Leaving was the best thing I ever did but as we have such a young ds his behaviour and state of mind do worry me

Reading that back I worry that "screw loose" doesn't offend anyone.

I'm thoroughly offended! no I'm not, just a bit drunk

Wereonourway my ex does this too. Does something awful, then texts ME and says what I was about to say to him. It's called counter transference apparently

So when he doesn't have socks for the dc he texts ME to say I'm neglecting them and not providing their basic needs. Not him. At his flat. It's bizarre

I agree that women can also contribute to abusiveness. Certainly I did, esp after bomb drop [shame]. I screamed and said the most horrible things.

But the difference is that after IC said I was being abusive [shame] I thought about it, imagined what it was like to be talked to like that, didn't want to be an abusive person AND STOPPED.

(I also forgave myself and understood that whilst it was a reaction to his stonewalling and refusing to listen, it was a wrong and unhealthy reaction).

Another one here. My EA ex read Beverley Engels and highlighted all my behavior which was the product of years of hurt and resentment and frustration. He went to joint counselling and explained to the nice lady how bad I was.I fell apart, cried, apologized, went for therapy, and left him. I was terrified that I was an abuser but my new DP only ever sees a calm happy loving person.

It was him not me. Blame, projection and an inability ever to take responsibility for bad stuff.

Put down the stick!

I really worry about this too, maybe it is me who is abusive? how would I know. I did think it must be him because I felt so insecure and lacking in self esteem but maybe its just that Im a bit mad, how would I know?

The thing that caused me most pain in our relationship was that he had no interest in me (I guess boiling it down to its most basic) but that might have been because he just did not want to be with me, which is not a crime. But then why did he always say he wanted the relationship and that we were soulmates etc? He ended it but then when I tried to get my stuff back he got very nasty? Its just so confusing, sometimes I think he liked to keep me guessing.

Its just so confusing, sometimes I think he liked to keep me guessing.

It's a power game. The worst thing you can do to an abuser is to get away from their field of influence over you.

I hope it was so obvious that it did not need saying, that he didn't take responsibility, didn't think about how his behaviour impacted me, and did not change a thing!!!!!

I was just taking responsibility for my part, and changed what I had control over. (Not that it changed a damn thing, but at least I have become a better human being...)

For me sometimes the brooding threat of 'consequences' became too much and i'd kind of bring things to a head, to get it over and done with.

Trust me OP, you're not the one in the most wrong here!