How do you all deal with your nearest and dearest's dysfunctionalities??

[PacificDogwood]

Honest question.
I won't bore you all with all the details of my family. And they live in a different country from me .
But - the relationship between my brother and our parents, and my parents between each other, and my mother and her sister are just... maaaaaaad.

And they all phone me to tell me their side of the story and get me to agree them them.
Which I do my damndest not to do. So my comments to 'Suchandsuch said this' and 'They did that, wouldcha believe it?' are usually limited to non-committal grunts.

What frustrates me is that if it came to crunch we'd all be there for each other. There is no reason for a major falling-out, but nobody seems to be able Just To Leave Well Alone. Why oh why can people not back off a bit and leave others to lead their lives as they see fit??

My mum was on the phone twice this morning to complain about my SiL's choses colour for her kitchen wall. DM will let DSiL know that she was ill advised in chosing said colour. DSiL will take the hump. DM will take the hump that her considered, "well meaning" advice was not welcomed and call her 'ungrateful'. DSiL will tell DM to STFU. DM will be offended and back on the phone to me.

I've just realised: I must be psychic as I can predict the future!!

I need chocolate, don't I? Thanks for listening.

And if you still have the strength and have not lost interest to answer: How do you deal with your families dysfunctionalities??

By limiting content to a level I can cope with, and not feeling guilty about that. So at the moment my contact with my alcoholic, personality disordered sister is phone only, and I go to see my mum, who openly tells me she cares more about my sister and has no bond with my DCs, once a month only. It's sad and I would like a happy caring family, but I manage the one I've got.

I get this a bit from DM. When you actually think a bit about her comments you realise how much 'spin' she puts onto events. Her dissection of events usually involved some pop-psychological analysis on the people involved. Or not so popular, depending on your view.

I really have to try hard not to become involved because it is so
insidious, it does affect the way you perceive people if you are not very careful. Especially when you hear, second hand, comments which relate to your own arrangements, with added spin of course. I have to just remember those comments were not intended for me and the way she organises her life, her conversations, with others says as much about her as it does about them.

Well, I've got the arse of a Karashian, but sadly not the money!

No, it's not as bad as all that and NC is not what I'd want (I am very protected from what goes on by living so far away) and I get on very well with them all individually.

If I put it all in an email to all of them, they would all be appalled at me bringing it up - what bad manners to mention the Elephant in the Room

The hardest thing for me is that my mother makes herself ill (I mean literally ill, she's had depression on and off for most of her life) by ruminating over perceived slights and how my SiL/aunt/neighbour are not doing What She Would Do and are just Plain Wrong. And she sees it as her place in life to point out the Error of their Ways to them all. And to then feel hard done by when nobody appreciates her best efforts.

Gah! Even writing it down brings my heartrate up...

I humour her though as she is only making conversation....Just have to try hard to remain neutral and not join in.

Unexpected, that must be so hard; my situation is not as bad.

daftdame, yy re 'spin' - that is so true!

It's the not being able to live and let live that is so energy sapping: my mum always thinks I am defending whoever she is in a huff with if I don't automatically and overtly take her side.

I have opinions some call me opinionated
I have been known to be judgey.
I like some people more than others.

But - I try my hardest to keep that to myself if possible. And I most certainly don't try to dissect in minute details with another family member.

I think some of the rot originated from my DB (who I love dearly but he is a numpty at times) discussing some of his relationship issues en detail with our parents - big mistake! So now they judge, and 'advise', and 'help'.