And the emotional abuse goes on, and on, and on...

[ThehighcostofLying]

Name change for this. May stick with it and really vent my spleen without fear of being outed for the time being.

I intended to post in the 'But We...Stately Homes' thread (long time lurker as issues are with out in-laws) at some point but this is an other issue that has been sprung on me today.

Long story short - Emotionally abusive STBXH, childhood sexual abuse(his), (his) family emotionally 'cold' and 'under the carpet sweeping' experts, dragged me to Mediation (whole other thread about this 'Professional's' unprofessionalism during the sessions), is still taking the piss out of me.

Ex has unlimited (and due to job, time off for weeks on end) contact with DCs, which I have freely and willingly suggested.

Anyway...agreement was that ex would spend today with DCs OUT of the marital home (his decision/request/choice). He arrived at 9am, and is STILL here. IMO, It does NOT take 3hrs+ to ready two over 5's (and all clothes/food etc. was already organised by me).

I have been stuck in my bedroom, desperate for the loo, hungry, sad, emotional, for the entire time. (DCs have popped in and out a couple of times).

I just want to send a snarky text to tell him to FUCK OFF...but am committed to detaching and not engaging with his shite.

Need to vent before I explode in self-pity...crying now typing this out.

(before I give way to the full-on tears and snotters self-pity party, I have to thank DonkeysDontRideBicycles for their kindness on another less public MN area...I was in a bad place and thread disappeared before I could function enough to reply).

(AttilatheMeerkat also deserves a very special mention - their posts/advice/support on Emotional Abuse in relationships topic has got me (and many other posters no doubt) through some very dark days - thank you).

Sitting on my hands to prevent texting the emotionally abusive arsehole to remind him of his decision...I can hear him fgs...and giving him his usual ammunition against me

You have to try and switch off those triggers that he knows wind you up... So every time he try's to push your patience - turn it around so that he actually makes you laugh or empowers you further - this is good for your self esteem ! (Only don't do this if he's likely to assault you for laughing obviously ) you are strong ! You can do this ! And just be grateful for all the free time you will soon have - and all the things you won't have to now do - like in-laws visits !! Chin up ! Hope you managed to get out of your room to pee by now !! :-)

Do you haves iPod? Plug in the headphones and watch / listen to something riveting?

Next time meet him at the front door with the kids all ready to go out give them a kiss and wave them off!

You need to find strategies to prevent him affecting your life, could you take the kids to the park, his parents your parents his new home where ever for hand over?

I type this as a women that handled the hand overs for my next door neighbor for 6 years!

Good luck and keep posting

Thank you OnePlanOnHouzz - I am still in bedroom - and still crying. He is still here, and I cannot face him. Did sneak out for a pee, although was looking around room for suitable receptacles at one point (it's that bad).

The situation is so complicated (aren't they all?) and in-laws are (hopefully) to have no contact with DCs due to issues surrounding historical sexual abuse and covering up of same.

I am married to a very damaged man, who used me (and our DCs) to appear 'normal' to the outside world...now that I have realised this and emerged from the FOG, he has retreated to the comfort of his family's lies, manipulations, and a complete whitewash of the truth.

I think they are going out soon - so, only 5 hours of manipulation and control today, so far.

I appreciate your words, they mean the world to me at this minute.

inneedofrain Thank you.

I have strived (striven?) to do the best by the DCs - maybe doorstep handovers are a way forward?

His issue is that he (in the words of Richard Gere) has 'Nowhere else to go'...(that's what happens when your family covers up sexual abuse and sexual harm, lie with every word, manipulate, criticise, are narcissistic, and care only for their public image). HE stated he was taking them away for the day today...HE requested it, and yet has spent more than 5 hours pinning me to one room.

I have to be seen to be being reasonable, maybe it's time I was not so reasonable? But that way lies financial ruin (for me - they are moneyed up to the eyeballs).

Thank you for being on the other end of a keyboard today - I greatly appreciate you taking the time to respond.

I so feel for you ! I went through a bitter divorce when I was 24 ! Luckily for me my ex emigrated a few years later ! Australia is just about far enough away !! Maybe you could drop hints that you fancy emigrating - see if he will beat you too it ! Then you can stay !!! Soon enough he will get bored if he gets no reaction from you anymore - so try and stay strong .. Sending a big (((hug)))

Get up off the bed and go out for the day.

Hi there...yes you need to keep him out of the house. Agree to met him nearer his home? Doorstep handover, town centre handover, any other place.

You need a safe place and he will NEVER be reasonable, your boundaries will have to be reinforced by you unless you have someone else who can do handover for you.

Don;t misonterpret "reasnable" behaviour as bending over so far that you're practically snapped in two...it is OK to say..."no that does not suit me" and stick to you guns...you are not being horrible you are meerly stating a fact and being consistent.

Think like you do with your DC....consistent boundaries, no emotive responses....and detach, detach detach.

you'll need the practice, it's a long road out but we can all help you and help to stiffen your resolve

You are not "pinned" to one room. You chose to hide in there. Take your phone, your bag, your purse and your keys and just go out. Kiss your dc goodbye and reassure them you will be back later.

oh darn....misinterpret, reasonable...obv.

You can't just go down there, kids jackets in hand, and breezily say "my, look at the time! You'll all be wanting to get going now" "right the, well have a fab day, I look forward to hearing all about it later"

I'm sure he's a pillock but come on, stop being so weedy!

Front door handover next time. Open the door with DCs (coated, toileted and fooded up) in front of you, as they go out of the door you are shutting it behind them.

First time around he will be gobsmacked, second time be prepared for him to 'just need the toilet'/pick up random piece of shite'. The answer is 'no'. Keep you foot behind the door so that he cant barge it open.

The above works well with all sorts of space invaders including random relatives and door to door salesmen - second para of course, I dont push my DCs out to deal with double-glazing salesmen!

foolonthehill you are another poster whose comments have resonated with me so much when I have read them on other threads. Thank you for being on my thread this time!

Mintyy again, another wise MN'er whose sage advice on the Relationships board I have read avidly - I (stupidly?) took a Diazepam (prescribed!) when it was obvious he wasn't leaving anytime soon. I live in a very rural area and would have to walk 5+ miles to see any signs of civilisation - driving now out as pill will take ages to wear off. I had so many plans for today, in the house, and out of it. He has shafted me again.

They finally left 10 minutes ago, and I have pee'd for the U.K and eaten. Likely to have peace for an hour or two - now contemplating my next move. So angry and want to lash out, text the abusive bastard, call in the Lawyers to manage this.

Thank you all for replying - another dark moment got through with the help of MN, I am very grateful as always.

KellyHopter I am being weedy, I know. There is so much damage, hurt, and lies behind this, I truly cannot even look at him. It is all fairly recent (the separation) but the abuse was going on for so long, before I even realised he was behind it, that my head IS still up my arse! A few days ago I was feeling so strong, then got a flicky-eyed side look and a grudging 'hi' from another school mum who is clearly taking sides...previously very friendly and warm towards me. The paranoia is crap too - I'm surrounded (locally) by HIS family and they are very IN with everyone (superficially, but it shows in how I'm being treated now in the local area).

WorrySighWorrySigh NEXT contact is meant to be IN the marital home (where I will leave as he arrives), HE requested that today was a day away with the DCs (Your advice will be followed the next time he arranges to take DCs out for the day). Just the fucker being his usual poor-me self, and will sigh and bleat about how hard it is for HIM if I say anything about his actions today.

He wants DCs to have contact with abusive relatives, he hasn't achieved this so far and this is how he punishes me. Time to find my inner Viper I think.

In the marital home hmmm.......

Have you made any/many changes since he left?

Move the furniture around, change the cushion covers, even just change the air freshener. Small signs which say this is your home, not his.

Dont ask his permission or ask what he thinks. You dont care.

WorrySighWorrySigh Ha! You have hit a nail on the head there. No, there are no changes to the house - other than being cleaner/tidier as I am not busy having to walk on eggshells and pander to ex's emotional fuckwittery (or fearing the next bout of lies, on top of lies, flavoured with a side dish of evasiveness).

It strikes a chord as Mediator mentioned during a session that I should...have all clothes ready/DCs dressed, food prepared/available, DCs bandbox smart and ready for anything when Ex arrives - Mediator said (and I quote) "because Lord knows what ThcoL has done to the house since you've been away" (the implication being that Ex won't possibly know where anything that the DCs might need is as I MUST have moved them (to confuse the poor bastard?!).

So, no, nothing has changed in the house - I just have to offer the (exclusive) use of the marital home for contact as otherwise Ex will have 'no alternative' other than to take DCs to the home of his abusive family.

FFS, they're back already. Great day out for the DCs, not.

No alternative? There are no libraries, shops, theatres, parks, play places or the like in your neck of the woods? I would think there are PLENTY of places they could go for a few hours.

You can make changes without making changes IYSWIM. Your choice of pictures, soft furnishings, tea, coffee etc etc.

Hi ThehighcostofLying,

What's your Solicitor like, is he any good?. If not I'd be finding another one; you need a Rottweiler type one when it comes to such damaged individuals like the one you married.

I would stop all mediation as of now; it is of no use or benefit at all when there has been any type of abuse within the relationship. Not all that surprised therefore unfortunately to read that it has not panned out all that well. Abusive types like your ex (and his family) use such sessions to further get back at who they see as the "errant" party.

I would certainly look now at formalising all access, no more him visiting the marital home. He used this occasion today to further exercise his power and control; he still wants absolute over you even though he is thankfully now an ex.

I would also think carefully about how often he sees the children as well; such types can and do manipulate young minds.

Your kind words re myself have left me feeling quite humbled. Glad to have been (and hopefully continue to be) of help to you.

OP my issues are far more minor than yours, but STBXH continues to gripe about days he needs to have kids o'night 3x per month due to my work schedule. Continues to huff and puff about being burdened by minor practicalities. It's re same old same old (although thankfully I am no longer living with his moods and anger). I find it sort of even more scary and threatening now that he is estranged. There is so much to sort out financially etc and the amicable split he so professed to want seems to be crumbling now with every interaction. Have just emailed him about doing slightly more regular hours and having kids alternate weekends (is it so unreasonable? Seriously, is it?) and this has been met with a stony silence...... Am finding myself backed into a corner and considering petitioning for divorce on the grounds of unreasonable behaviour. After all what do I have to lose now? My head is a mess.

He's still here...and I am still in the bedroom. Have amused myself out of my slump by writing a very long and snarky e-mail to him (not going to send it, but felt good to write it).

Trigglesx No, no Theatres etc. It's very rural here! There is a Playpark - but I think even I would struggle to spend 11 hours (and counting) there with DCs. I am opposed to contact with certain members of his family (the abusers) and therefore do not want them to 'accidentally on purpose' bump into DCs. There are places, loads of walks and beaches for example, that he could take them where that would not happen - but he doesn't, and won't.

WorrySighWorrySigh The house, and furnishings, were/are my thing - he is not interested in any way, but liked that others appreciated and admired my 'style'.

AttilatheMeerkat Hello. I have copied and saved many of your replies to other people on similar threads on my phone, and read them when I am feeling wobbly. I think you are the poster that made me realise that it was emotional abuse I was being subjected to (and that Ex is Passive Aggressive par excellence), and for that you have my gratitude forever. I did end the mediation after three sessions, as I knew that ex was only using it for his agenda (of getting me to agree to in-laws having contact with DCs). Of course he couldn't ask directly, couldn't even get beyond his usual tactics of "I want...pause...huge sigh...silence" - he wants someone to articulate, probe, tease out his needs (aargghh!). My Lawyer is ok, keeping them out of it as much as I can due to costs, but the situation is rapidly approaching crisis point so that will have to change soon (and due to location, his lawyer and my lawyer know each other very well - I've seen some communication between them and it's very 'pally'). I so want to tell you EVERYTHING that he has said and done, if only to hear you actually concur that yes, he IS emotionally abusive and passive aggressive to boot! The damn toxics (Ex included) funnelling the pain and guilt down through the years (and through children) to avoid facing their own hurt - bloody cowards.

Handywoman Please don't downplay your own problems, they sound very difficult and, no, what you ask of him is not unreasonable in any way. I can relate to 'my head is a mess, mine too . I also have so much to sort out financially etc. Thank you for taking the time to respond, it's just sad that there are so many of us in the same boat. I know that there is an end, of sorts, eventually, but devastated that things will never be the same again.

I wonder if you would feel better sitting in the room with them - reading a book - so you can actually see what's going on in your home with your children ?! I would be tempted to - as a show of resilience and just at nonplussed about it all - reasons why - well reassurance the children are ok - and just to piss him off !! he can't snoop or question the children about you if you are sitting there - and lets face it - you have every right to sit where you damn well please in YOUR home !!!

I agree OnePlanOnHouzz that I have every right to do as I please no matter if he's here or not - but the pain is simply too much at the moment. The betrayals, lies, deceit, manipulations, gaslighting, is overwhelming and I just cannot face him. I am afraid of my anger I think. I am not strong enough to be detached if I am in his presence - and I do NOT want to give him any more ammunition that he can merrily turn round to make it my fault (again). He has JUST left, with a jaunty toot of the car horn the prick. I am going to lock the door, and have a large drink while sitting on the couch.

Thank you for your support today, I would have done something stupid had I not posted (probably texted him and got embroiled in his bullshit again). I will post again tomorrow and try and outline past incidences, hopefully that will show a timeline of his emotional manipulation.

Oh I agree with OnePlan, OP. He is getting away with controlling you here and I really feel for you. It must be so frustrating. He is literally pushing you into a corner and if you possibly can (even though you will feel incredibly uncomfortable) I would brazen it out as well and sit in the same room - or at least 'potter' about downstairs, maybe singing along to the radio and chatting to the children as if you're perfectly fine with it all. It would be a way of taking back some control and would probably piss him off. This is all if you do find yourself in this situation again but really - the best thing sounds like meeting him at the door with the children all ready. Are they OK when they're with him? It must all be very stressful for you. I'm so sorry.

Can you get a friend round next time he's in the house? If you can carry on almost as if he's not there, but take advantage of the freedom you have to have a social life when he's seeing the children, it may help you feel stronger and also show him that he doesn't matter to you. He's also likely to behave better if there are witnesses around.

This is very odd. Get in the car and go out. Lock the door.