DH very involved with Ex and her family

[whygodwhy]

Hello :-) I could really do with some advice. Engaged to DH and he's the loveliest of men and we have a very happy relationship.

However, we have one issue that keeps rearing its head, my Ex has a very good relationship with his Ex and her family, which is to both of their credits (she's also in a relationship) she works for him still. I'm really struggling with the constant involvement, he's currently picking her sistwr up (ex sister in law) from her hols a 400 mile round trip! He's the one her whole family go to fix things sort out financial issues etc

I find myself feeling on the outside looking in, and he just wants everyone to be happy, but I'm not, I don't want him to cut ties they have 20 years of history, I just want some separation so our future can grow without all his past constantly surrounding us

Any advice really gratefully received x

I don't think that is an unreasonable expectation but it may be an unrealistic one to have of him IYSWIM?

This is how he is happy conducting his life, making changes of this kind at your request could really make him resent and blame you. I would suggest that if this really makes you very seriously unhappy you should find a relationship with someone that is a bit less complicated and he should think about whether his lifestyle is compatible with another relationship, not sure he'll find anyone happy to feel uninvolved in his life.

There is a saying that when you marry someone you don't just marry them, you marry their family. Sounds to me as though the marriage is over but the lifestyle associated with it is not. That's not intrinsically a bad thing (happens a lot with very long marriages, and can work for everyone's benefit), but it is obviously causing you some difficulties.

Can you talk about this easily with your DP without him feeling like he has to go on the defensive? I don't think he's going to want to remove his X's family from his life, nor should he have to, but I don't think it's at all unreasonable for him to acknowledge your feelings and look at ways he can make you feel a part of his life that is of equal importance even if it doesn't have the benefit of 20 years of shared history behind it.

There are various ways he can do that, and cutting back his involvement with his XW's family is only one of them. Building new traditions with you and getting to know your family will all contribute to that. Time will be a great help.

A 400-mile round trip sounds like quite a commitment though, and not one I'd expect from a divorced H whose wife has lots of other family members. I think there is a good case for him stopping doing things like this. My approach in his situation would be to carry on the relationship with his Xs family in general, but to say no to certain requests, such as that. Eventually a more natural balance will be found.

Thank you both for very different perspectives but sound advice x

I'm going to talk to him about it when he returns x

I do feel ready to blow but love him so much, it's his never ending kindness that drew me too him ... It's a difficult one x

Never ending kindness can be a royal pain in the arse when it doesn't come with any sense of what should be prioritised.

It is also far more about being seen as a kind person than about actually being considerate and helpful towards those who you actually should be looking out for, i.e. your own family.

Driving 400 miles to collect anyone from their holidays, never mind your ex-SIL is a ridiculous waste of time.