Choochie
Did you see your friend before she emigrated?.
The longer you stay in this situation the worse it will be for you and your daughters. He's done a bang up job on your self esteem and worth as it is. You are being dragged down with him.
Controlling men are also selfish too. He has got you in a gilded cage of his own making. You are being criticised for everything you do including what you wear. This is not "normal" behaviour. Your friends doubtless think you are mad for putting up with his controlling. They are probably afraid to tell you the truth. It has been brushed under the carpet by both of you for too long and is damaging both of you.
Both of you are also teaching your children damaging lessons here - that it is okay for Mummy to be treated like this and for their Dad to be so controlling. Your children may also grow up to think that this is the norm and therefore go onto meet controlling partners themselves thus the damaging legacy continues.
His former wife would probably say that he was controlling back then too - such behaviours are deeply rooted in his past. Its nothing to do with her affair - again controllers blame others but themselves for their own issues.
Unfortunately he can only address his own issues re controlling - no amount of coercion or persuading him to go to counselling on your part will work. Any will to change has to come from within him.
Did you read the book I recommended?. I hope you did.
If he will not change and from your writings there is no will or inclination on his part to do so then the ball in firnly in your court.
You do have the power to change things - ultimately you may have to consider your future with this man because he will drive you away.
Choochie, read again what you have written here:-
"but i have put up with it because I do love him and when he's not like this he's very loving, supportive and we have a great laugh together".
You are confusing love with abuse. Stop making excuses for him!!. He is becoming worse in his controlling behaviours. You are infact leading a pitiful existance. What sort of man constantly critisises his partner's clothes. A controlling one that's who.
"He is extremely insecure and nothing I can say makes him feel better"
This is not at all surprising. He needs professional help to overcome his destructive behaviours he is imposing on you.
"Have suggested counselling"
Very wise but he won't listen to this - he may well think he does not have a problem.
"but he's not really shown interest, probably because we have always brushed it under the carpet".
You've both let this go on for far too long with resultant damage to your self worth and esteem.
For your childrens' sake you may well ultimately have to walk away from him.
The decision is yours ultimately. He is more than happy to let things continue as they are because it benefits him.