Can I ask a quick question about cheating? Just something my Dad said to me today...

[ziggiestardust]

My Dad and I don't particularly get on well, and I don't really like the bloke. But I don't know whether this is just another instance of him being an arse, or if he's right?

For some reason, we got onto the subject of celebrities splitting up after cheating occurs on one side. My Dad said he'd known people who had cheated on their wives, and it was only them confessing that lead to the split of the marriage. He said he thought that, if you cheated, that your penance, so to speak, was to keep quiet about it for the rest of your life and never tell the other person; because it's the adulterers burden to bear, why should they burden the innocent party? My parents are still together, if this counts for anything.

My first instinct was disgust, to be honest. I mean, surely the cheater should come clean, and allow the other person to get a fresh start, away from a dishonest cheater? Not to mention the risk of STD's!

Am I right? Or am I being idealistic and naive (as my dad thinks)?

If my DH had an affair I would want to know; if he had ONS and went and got himself checked etc I wouldn't want to know. Maybe that's just me though...

ONS? What's that?

I think you're both right. Your approach is IMO the correct one, but it is a little naive to believe that this is what most people do, because they don't. The natural instinct is to try to get away with it, either because you're selfish, or sometimes simply because you are in complete denial about what you're doing.

I don't believe all cheaters are bastards. I believe quite a lot are, and these tend to be the serial cheaters whose disrespect for their partners is transparent in other ways as well. Other cheaters are just ordinary people who simply don't possess the self awareness or personal integrity to take a step back from what they're doing and recognise the danger they're getting themselves into until they've passed the point of no return. Some of these people can learn from the experience and change for the better. If the right lessons are learned, they can actually be better spouses as a result.

THere will always be those who have an affair, stop it, say nothing and work hard on their marriages thereafter. Their partners may well be glad that they never knew. I think this is probably quite rare though.

Unless you go on a significant voyage of self discovery, someone who has cheated once is highly likely to do so again, because in most cases an affair is not about the other person, it's about the cheater (there are, of course, exceptions in which the cheater genuinely meets the love of their life).

The more affairs you have, the greater the likelihood of being caught. Certainly the more damage you do to the emotional intimacy of your marriage until eventually it is damaged beyond repair even if no affair is taking place at the time when you call it a day.

If you really, truly love someone and want to do what's best for them, you accept that they should make a decision that affects the rest of their lives in full possession of the facts. That means confessing, even if keeping quiet might seem like the best option for both of you. If you make a decision to keep quiet, it may indeed prove the right course of action, especially if you bitterly regret what you've done, learn from it and spend the rest of your life making up for it. However, to paint it as "a cheater's penance" is just self-delusion; it's actually a selfish act of self-preservation and should be owned as one.

ONS=one night stand I think.

I'm not sure many cheaters suddenly confess in a fit of wanting to come clean. More often they're caught, or come clean specifically in order to finish their relationship.

If you had cheated, and got away with it, and then much later regretted it, I can't see there'd be much to gain by coming clean with your DP just to ease your own conscience. I think the partner who was wronged would probably feel less able to trust their DP if they were told.

I think the 'right' thing to do is whatever your partner would prefer, re: disclosure or not.
I'd want to be told, so I could make an informed decision as to whether I wanted to continue the relationship. I declare this preference at some (relevant, but non-confrontational) point early in any relationship.