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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Help me understand

25 replies

mumsnetfan · 20/06/2006 12:54

what's happened to me, what I'm doing and what I'm looking for, will try to keep it brief:

last Christmas a guy from work came on to me, I said no, he emailed me afterwards to say sorry, and we remained on friendly terms. He is married with a child, anyway he kept on being friendly and flirting with me, telling me how lovely I was, that he thought he could be falling in love with me .... you get the picture.

anyway DH and I went through a really really rough patch and I thought things were going to end, (nothing to do with this other man) I let this "friendship" get out of hand and we kissed on a few occassions, nothing more. I thought I was falling in love with him.

DH and I have really worked on things and now we are fantastic.

and here's where I need help .....this other "friendship" has gotten to the point where we have kissed again, and totally backed off again, it'll last for a few weeks then we get close again, this has happened twice now.

what am I doing ? I love my DH and I know this other person is no where near as good as my DH, he's not as sexy or gorgeous, doesn't make me laugh as much, I would never have sex with him as we are both married (although I suspect he would if I let him) but when i'm not getting attention off him I miss it, I don't want him, I don't want him to leave his wife so what am I doing ?

I'm really sorry for this thread as I know what others on here are going through at the moment. I have posted before under another name and said that I'd felt like I'd been groomed for an affair that I didn't even want. Now that I'm settled with DH again shouldn't this have passed now, am I just attention seeking ?

OP posts:

FioFio · 20/06/2006 13:00

This reply has been deleted

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FioFio · 20/06/2006 13:00

This reply has been deleted

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Original poster

mumsnetfan · 20/06/2006 13:07

in all honesty I'm not sure it would bother me now, one of the things that came to light in our rough patch is that he got close to someone in work who offered him sex, I saw them together and the body language was too full on to have just been office banter. I'm sure something happened between them but he says it didn't I am in a place now where I think if he's going to do it he will do it anyway, but as long as it doesn't upset my family life.

I don't feel jealous anymore, but I would not accept him having a sexual relationship with anyone else.

For me I don't want to keep drifting back into this "friendship" he has a wife who I must think about even if he isn't, he says there's nothing wrong with his marriage but if that's the case why would he be so full on with me ?

OP posts:

Bananaknickers · 20/06/2006 13:13

Hello
simple really you are not feeling good about yourself or your dh is not showing you the kind of attention you want.This man makes you feel like a sexy attractive woman.Being and wife and mum and all the stuff that goes with it dosen't.Go out on dates with you dh and talk to him about how you feel.You are getting that feeling of newness with this mans attention and you need to get that same sort of feeling at home sweetheart

Original poster

mumsnetfan · 20/06/2006 13:21

the thing is I think I am getting this attention from my DH, but maybe it's the newness that is so attractive, after our rough patch we made sure we went out on dates and we still do.

This is what's so confusing I am getting everything I want off my DH but I do like the attention from this other guy as well

I am just being a bitch aren't I

OP posts:

monkeytrousers · 20/06/2006 13:26

Yes, grow up. You have your child's happiness to think about as well as your husbands. You are risking both.

Original poster

mumsnetfan · 20/06/2006 13:57

thanks monkey trousers I know you're right

on another point, whey is this work colleague so interested if he's so happy, and why isn't he thinking of his wife ?

I'm not vain enough to think I am totally irresistible (sp) although the way he carries on you would think I am and believe me I'm not

just having read some of the other threads the "other" woman seems to get the blame most of the time, and whilst I'm not spotless in all of this as I've let it happen, I wouldn't have pursued him in a million years

OP posts:

bluejelly · 20/06/2006 14:02

'whey is this work colleague so interested if he's so happy, and why isn't he thinking of his wife ? '

cos he's man

bluejelly · 20/06/2006 14:03

a man in fact

Bananaknickers · 20/06/2006 15:54

Some of the people in those threads the woman did do the chasing that is why they have the blame in a way but if you read them their husband take full responsibility for their actions. A man chasing after skirt in an office is what it is.Why are you getting so flattered by this man when you are supposed to be happy? want your cake and eat it as the saying goes. Why bother with this man and get a name as the office homewreker.Tell him to bugger off

Bananaknickers · 20/06/2006 15:57

on another point, whey is this work colleague so interested if he's so happy, and why isn't he thinking of his wife ?

I'm not vain enough to think I am totally irresistible (sp) although the way he carries on you would think I am and believe me I'm not

Because he is a bloke after extra sex.Men will say anything to get you into the sack.His wife is not your problem your child and husband are

Original poster

mumsnetfan · 20/06/2006 19:06

thanks for this guys, i am flattered but I realise that this is all it is, flattery. I am happy with my DH but he doesn't give me the full on attention this other guy does, but then what man does after a decade together.

I need to get my act together and grow up, DH and I have been through a really tough time and i suppose in some way this was a nice bit of escapism, but I need to get back to reality.

If I feel myself slipping hope you don't mind me coming back to you to give me strength ?

OP posts:

MummyTo1PlusBump · 20/06/2006 19:11

mumsnetfan,

Being on the other end of this i.e the stupid wife knowing nothing about it whos life gets shattered for your bit of fun, then i would definatly say dont do it, i dont blame the other woman totally but i do think that if i were in that position i wouldnt risk ruining someones life for a quick fumble in the stationary cupboard, you need to think of her and not just yourself after all you know about her, she has no idea you exist, believe me as when it comes out and it will do eventually it will be you who ends up taking all the blame and loses everything (and if im honest then i would hope that would be the case) sorry to be so blunt and i dont mean to offend you i just think you need to think about what your doing!

monkeytrousers · 20/06/2006 20:17

Not at all, you'll know what I'll say. Good luck

Original poster

mumsnetfan · 21/06/2006 11:33

Hi MTOPB

there is nothing going on now, what I wanted to understand is why it had happened, how when normally I wouldn't entertain the idea I did on this occassion, and why he pursued me.

I don't take offence at anything you've said, I've read what you are going through and wouldn't wish that on anyone. I have never slept with a married man and wouldn't have with this guy either.

I also wanted to understand why this man would pursue me, it took 4 months before I responded to his kiss and I was showered with lots and lots of compliments, he told me he was falling in love with me etc etc.

I don't excuse what I did, but I wanted to understand it to be stronger to make sure I don't do it again.

Monkeytrousers ... thanks and hopefully I won't need to be told in future

OP posts:

jellyjelly · 21/06/2006 12:42

My almost husband to be just destroyed our life by having an affair 2 weeks before our wedding. I would stop being the other woman and give both of your families the chance to grow. I wish my x had been able to resist. Do you want to destroy everything you have got as he just done that to us and she done it to her family and everything is ruined.

If it helps you read my thread call complete bomshell it might make you think about what it is like from the other side of the fence. I hope it makes you stand uo and think as i have lost everything, i have to give up my business i loved, my house, all the luxuries we had and the chance to stay at home with my son, a marriage and a wedding, i lost over 10k and my son lost the daddy that used to spend time with him, i lost my baby - yesterday i started to lose it.

My son is feeling very confused and not loved and doesnt understand why daddy doesnt love mummy, why i wont be having a baby in my tummy or why we wont go to the beach to get married.

This is a very senstive subject for me and one that i didnt deserve. Treat yourself better and get on with your life before you hurt your husband and his wife and the children.

fairyjay · 21/06/2006 12:55

I don't think anyone can add to that JJ. We all have to grow up and accept our responsibilities at some point.

jellyjelly · 21/06/2006 13:19

Are you saying that to me to grow up or him and
her?

My head is in a right muddle.

Original poster

mumsnetfan · 21/06/2006 14:05

I think the grow up was for me JJ, i don't and have never wanted to be the other woman. As I say it's stopped now I just wanted to try to understand, it never went beyond a kiss, and it never would have. I have never instigated contact between us, never text first etc.

I want to give support to both you and MTOPB but somehow it doesn't feel right knowing that I could have played a part in hurting another woman, but please know that I am thinking of you both and listening to your experiences is given me more strength to resisit the crap lines he's throwing at me than anything else.

OP posts:

jellyjelly · 21/06/2006 14:44

They are worth more than that, i am trying to fight to save us for going into a b and b and now my retired dad is going to go and get a job so he cant help pay for my mortgage which shouldnt be like this. x wants me to pay him off after all he has done as well.

He wishes he could turn back time and so do i.

jellyjelly · 21/06/2006 14:46

please think of us and what our lives could have become when he throws you a line.

Original poster

mumsnetfan · 21/06/2006 15:30

I will Jelly I promise, I won't go there ever again

OP posts:

bluejelly · 21/06/2006 16:20

Don't mean to denigrate what either of you two have been too, but this thread is a bit of a 'mumsnet moment', isn't it?
How often do two people at the opposite ends of the spectrum get to share their experiences like this?
Hope neither of you offended by my observation, wish you both the best.

Original poster

mumsnetfan · 21/06/2006 16:54

hi bluejelly

not offended, I realised when posting what others were going through and I wanted honesty from people.

As expressed in other threads when you are in these situations it's easy to lose sight of what is real and compartmentalise your life and convince yourself what you are doing isn't wrong, reading about others very very real, very very hurtful experiences makes you realise that there are other people on the receiving end, and your illicit moments of what you think are happiness are devastating for others.

I'm glad that my experience didn't go any further, and I haven't caused the unhappiness that could have happened, what does gall me is that he is still flirting with me and I just keep looking at him and thinking "what about your wife" and that if it all had of come out it would be me get the blame as the wanton woman who did the chasing when that isn't the case at all.

BIG strong girl now, and have told him to stop emailing me, and in the words of bananaknickers "bugger off"

OP posts:

bluejelly · 21/06/2006 17:01

Sounds like it's for the best even if it's a tough decision. Well done and good luck in the future

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