Still feeling crap after over a year, will I ever learn to stop looking.

[Chyochan]

I was in a relationship for five years with my ?soul mate? or at least that?s what we both thought. We did have problems, mainly masturbation and internet addition on his part but we tried to work on it and he sort of quit, and also I think I kind of accepted it. He said these and other problems were caused by the fact we did not live together, so he moved in. I felt like I spent my life trying to please him. Then just over a year ago, after a couple of weeks of acting weird and pretty shitty, he left me. He never gave any explanation and has never contacted me. He still owes me a small amount of money and ignores my phone calls.

I found out recently that he has not got another woman (I thought this might be an explanation) and has recently quit his job. His life seems to be spending all day, every day in online chat rooms (and I guess wanking), he has never had any friends (does not seem interested) and does not see his family.

Sometimes I am consumed with curiosity to know how he justifies the decisions he made. The thing is I am still unbelievably cut up about it, I know how mad it is but I still think about him every day and, I guess, miss him (how crazy is that). Does anyone have any advice on letting go, it is making me so unhappy.

I feel like Im doning it again, obsessing over what exactly happened and why, what the fuck is wrong with me. He left me. He treated me shittly and then he left me, why am I finding this so hard to accept. Seriously I think there may be something wrong with me! Need advice...

Remember my mantra about the answers to your questions

"IT DOESN'T MATTER!"

As I said up there: "no matter how much I searched for answers I would probably never find them. And even if I did it wouldn't make a difference to the situation anyway. And chances are they woudn't make me feel any better anyway. So, it didn't matter. It doesn't matter. IT DOESN'T MATTER!"

I feel so sorry for you I really do. It's a horrible feeling.

Im trying to work out whats going on in my head when/just before I look up his mindnumbingly dull posts. I think my problem must be I still find it hard to believe he would behave in the way he has, I genually thought, despite everything he was a good person who really cared for me. This leads me to try to understand what happened and what was/is going on in his head.
Reading things on here is really helping me understand more and more though, but I still question myself constantly, (eg. reading the thread about stalkers makes me wonder am I a stalker because Iv contacted him in to ask for my money/stuff back, things like that)
It really helps to remind myself that he was the one who ended it, whatever happened in our relationship it was his decision to end it, so really what else is there for me to know.

That's what I mean Chyochan. All the time you are asking yourself all these questions, and looking for answers from him, you are not disengaging your brain (and heart ) from him and the relationship.

Knowing the answers. Knowing how he is now. Getting your stuff back. Contating him. Reading his online drivel. None of that changes the fact that he ended it and it's over.

And believe me, I know how devestatingly harsh that sounds. And I'm sorry.

But until you accept that, stop looking for reasons ( because they don't matter), and start to move forward, you are going to drive yourself absolutly insane.

It is so so so tough and tbh you won't do this until you are ready.

I'm so heart sore for you

Thanks BitOutOfPractice.
I have so many questions sometimes I feel like it is driving me crazy.
Questions like how come hes so enthuastic about talking to random strangers online when he had no interest in talking to me, someone he supposedly loved? Same with sex, it just makes no sense for a supposedly rational person. Here I go again, I need to give it a fucking rest.
Thanks again BitOutOfPractice, wow itll be a relief when all this bs is over, why is it taking sooo long, why arnt I normal yet?

I'm not sure I've achieved "normal" yet Chyochan!!

I don't think I sept properly for about 5 months because my brain would just not switch off. That's why the "IT DOESN'T MATTER" mantra is good. Keep saying it till you believe it.

You will get there. Promise.

My mantra is going to be "He ended it. Its over. He wasn't all that."

I think just "It's over" would do. That cvers you being over him as well.

Hope you're OK today.

Have youthought about weaning yourself off the checking up, rather than going cold turkey?

Thanks for asking, Im ok today, been very busy at work so thats good. I dont check very often at all, it makes me panicky and emotional, sad and or angry, generally both. I guess I look less than once a month but theres no pattern. It bothers me more that I think about him every day, that bothers me alot, and I wish that wasn't the case as it has been over a year.

I don't think every day is that bad. If it were every minute of every day then I'd worry

So it's not stopping the thinking about him per se, it's the changing the mind set when you do?

I dont think about him every minute of the day, quite a few of them tho, which is much more minutes than I want to be thinking about him.

Really I want to stop thinking about him full stop (and endlessly wondering about and questioning stuff in our relationship) because then I wont care or feel any pain over whats happened.

If I can ask, how often do you think about your ex? and does it effect you in any way if you do? I know Im probably being a bit nosey here, but I worry as I oftern hear people say 'yeh it was really bad, it was almost 6 months before I got over him/her' and it makes me feel like there must be something really wrong with me as its been bloddy ages over a year and I still obsess over it often sometimes.

I've thought about him several times today a because a couple of people have asked me about him because I'm visiting his family soon. It's been in a conversational way. Not really rippled any emotions.

Some days I get to lunchtime and think "I haven't thought about him today...oh fuck that means I just thought about him!"

Some days I still obsess over him. And cry. And ask myself all the same questions again and again until I manage to shake myself out of it.

So, in short, it varies it has been 14 months since we split.

For at least 10 of those I was a mess. A train wreck.

But I don't think there's a timetable. Or a right or a wrong way to be feeling at particular set times.

It seems to me like you've got yourself into a spiral of worry about it. Worrying about worrying about him iykwim

Thanks BitOutOfPractice, thats helpfull, Im not the only one then.

Yes I think your right that I am begining to worry about the fact that it still hurts and I still think about him.

When we split the thought of getting over it and not careing or thinking about him was a big comfort, I sort of fantasised about how I would feel 6 months or a year or something and it gave me strength.

Recently I was begining to feel like 'god maybe Im always going to feel this way about it', its a horrible thought. But surely its not possible to be broken hearted for years on end, I just dont believe thats possible.

It can't be. Surely!

Can you recreate that fantasy of how you'll feel when you couldn't give a damn. Sort of fake it till you make it?

I'm not sure how helpful I'm being but I am sympathising!

Actually I think you could be on to something.
Last night I suddenly was thinking about how when we got together people who new us both could not believe Id picked him, and also how my friends and family found it hard to understand what I saw in him.

They saw him as a just a bit of a dork (when theyd spent a bit of time with hiim they saw him as a dork, with a rather unpleasent personality).

And then I guess I kind of compaired this reality to my self esteem when he rejected me, (throughout our relationship and when he left me) and I kind of experianced how actually Im loads better than him as a person, nicer, more popular, more grownup, more capable of giving, funnier and more fun to be arround, just fucking better in every way, and he had actually got massively lucky to ever get me at all.
This really put it in perspective in a new way and Im trying to hold on to that feeling.

Also, I dont know you but, what a kind person you must be, being there for someone you dont even know.
How sad for your ex that he lost out on that, shame for him really.

Oh thank you! I'm not sure I'm that nice but your story struck a chord with me and I've tried, cack handedly to offer a helping hand!

Well done in getting that new perspective!! That's a huge step on the road.

Do you know what? I think you're over him. I don't think it's him that's bothering you. I think it's more about what you think him leaving you said about you and yourself. He is just the vehicle for you to examine yourself and how you feel about yourself. What him leaving did to your self esteem. And that's not necessarily a bad thing to ponder, so long as you come to the correct conclusion in the end. ie you're awesome and he's a sad loser.

Bitoutifpractice, an excellent post that I need to apply to myself.... It doesn't matter....

OP you have had some good advise here. It can be really hard letting go :(

Iv also wondered what it is exactly that has/is still getting to me, I cant really miss him, what exactly is it that is cousing me pain?

For the last couple of years he seemd to only really be interested in talking about himself and I was begining to find this a bit boreing tbh.
In the end I couldnt even discuss problems with him as I felt he would turn it on me and use any difficulties as proof of how useless I was.
He was socialy phobic, so we had no social life, and he was a nightmare around friends and family anyway.
I still found him attractive tho but seeing as he didnt 'put out', in truth I might as well have had a poster of Michael McMannus on my wall if I wanted someone sexy but unavailable in my bedroom.
At least he would not exspect me to cook dinner and wash up every night.
It really must be about something else, either a loss of a fantasy you have about the future (maybe even the present), that and the damage to selfesteem that getting dumped gives you.
Also the wondering why and confussion, I have found that very difficult to deal with.

Crikey chyochan! He sounds like a right catch

It sounds like he was dragging you down with him and you're better off without him! It's not always easy to remember that though is it? Even when your head tells you he was no good, your heart can take a while to catch on!

But it seems like you are starting to see the wood for the trees? Do you feel any better?

Skye, hope you're ok too.

I agree, letting go is really tough

You mourn for the loss of the relationship you wanted (and deserve!)

Its hard to let go of the ideals you had, you cling to the good memories and they become rose tinted.

Make a list of the good things, then make a list of all the shitty things. Look at the list when you feel like you are wavering.

Grieving is a process, and everyone moves at their own pace, there is no right or wrong amount of time but remember all the time you spend thinking about this loser is time you're taking away from all the positive things in your life.

i.e you're awesome and he's a sad loser. grin

This^^

I do feel better, it seems to go in jumps though, like steps up.
He does sound awfull I know, he wasnt always like that.
When we met he was really in to having a relationship with me, was over the moon that I was his girlfriend, bought me expensive presents, the works, we were going to be together for ever, we were soulmates, etc. Except there was almost no sex, so there was always some mystery and confusion.
I still question why he did the things he did, I dont think I will ever stop wondering what was going on in his head.

My DH doesn't isn't usually very introspective but has given me the best piece of advice anyone has ever offered up.

You cannot change a person, they can only change themselves

Going over and over this actions will only pull your self esteem down further. Simple plain truth is - he did it because he wanted to, and it was more important to him than you. I'm sorry if it sounds harsh, and it is in no way a reflection of you - his choice, his actions, his consequences.

There was nothing you could do to stop it- selfishness runs through this joke of a man like a seam of coal (except with no use/value!)

His life seems to be spending all day, every day in online chat rooms (and I guess wanking), he has never had any friends (does not seem interested) and does not see his family.

Chatting online is safe, no one has to know how sexually and socially incompetent he is, its a safety net of fantasy where he is the alpha-male stud muffin with loads of interesting things to say. In RL you know that not to be true, in fact he is a sad little man hiding behind his keyboard grabbing his own balls instead of grabbing his own real life by the bollocks.

Plenty of men out there who don't have the emotional spectrum of an earthworm and the personality of a damp towel.

If posting makes you feel better, then keep getting it out. Think of him like a bad case of nits, it may take a few combs and a few chemicals wine
but once your head is clear that little itch which was bugging you will be a long distant memory.