Contacting an ex after (nearly) 8 years?

[pandoratheexplorer]

Have NC'ed, please don't out me if you guess. I left ExH nearly 8 years ago as he was aggressive and emotionally abusive and since a couple of months after he hasn't seen DS at all or even been in contact bar birthday cards for the first 3 years (which then tailed off). It was his choice, although he blames me (as I wouldn't just hand over DS after he used contact time as a chance to play mind games so I insisted on supervised contact), and I haven't tried to keep up contact with him. I moved several times after that but my parents lived at the same address as they had for years before (which he still had as that's where he sent the cards), so I always felt I was justified in not being the one who had to make contact iyswim, as he knew where I was and I hadn't actually stopped him contacting us or seeing DS.

Only now my parents have moved last week (had to get council house transfer) so if exh did try to contact us (however unlikely) he could rightly say he couldn't get in touch. And DS has been asking if we can try and 'find my dad and see if he's got time to see me' (I never knew where exh had moved to and despite me explaining age-appropriately that exh had the choice to see DS and chose not to DS still thinks his dad has an excuse, like being busy, and will turn up one day). I never knew where exh had moved to but after DS asking I spent ages searching on the net and managed to find an email address for him, so I could contact him if I wanted.

I feel like I should contact him, for DS's sake and so he can't turn round and throw the non-contact back in my face one day, but I don't know if I should, if it'll create more problems for all of us (if exh is still an arse), if I've left it far too late (DS is nearly 11 but has mild SN so has maturity of 8-9), if I should leave it longer or how to approach it at all.

TBH I don't think you have the right to stop DS seeing his Dad if both of them want to. You could drop exH an email to see how the land lies and that way, you wouldn't be revealing where you live if you don't want to.
It could even be DS who sends the email (though suggest you check it first, and also have access to the answer).

Having said all that - I have absolutely no experience of such a situation, having been happily married to the father of my DDs for 20+ years.

No, don't. Ordinarily I'd say yes, do, because taking the moral high ground is always worth doing with DC - usually. Usual rules do not apply with abusers. It ceased to be in DS's best interests that his father be kept up-to-date on his whereabouts the moment he decided that his abuse of you was more important than a quality relationship with his child.

If he had changed, he's had ample opportunity to contact you. Therefore, the logical assumption is that he hasn't and that DS is best protected by keeping this man out of his life.

Thanks for the replies. Tywy - I haven't a clue if exh wants to see ds, presumably not if he hasn't been able to get over contacting me (I'm not even remotely scary) in 8 years to do so. I wouldn't stop DS seeing his dad at all if they did both want to, I'm aware I couldn't legally anyway, but this would be me trying to initiate contact which feels like a totally different ball game. If exh doesn't want to then am I just doing something I don't need to?

My gut feeling is to completely agree with you Dahlen but I don't know what to say to DS now, whether to just lie and say I still can't track down his dad (which seems simplest but hate the idea of being dishonest), or tell DS he's not allowed to and risk him hating me later for keeping him from his dad?

If his dad wanted to find you, he could have done so quite easily over the past eight years. Do you want this abuser back in your life? He won't have changed - they never do. If you email him you're opening the door to having him back in your life and your DS is older now and will be much more upset if his dad rejects him again.

I've had this with my DC, whose father IS in contact but very sporadically (think a couple of times a year). I've had to explain to them that no I won't be chasing their daddy to come to see them, or invite him to parties etc., but that daddy is very welcome to contact me and arrange to see them.

I had to tell them a version of the truth which I considered age-appropriate. In a nutshell, it went:

Mummy is worried about daddy's ability to keep you safe when you are with him, so he has to have someone to supervise him when he is around you. I have told daddy that he can see you as often as he likes if he's happy to arrange it and that I am happy to be the person supervising on some occasions. Daddy knows that it is down to him to get in touch and sort this out. He may have lots of reasons for not doing that but I don't know what they are. I'm really sorry that it upsets you that he doesn't see you more often. I get upset for you too, but I can't make him see you more often because that's down to him. There is nothing you've done that makes daddy stay away. Daddy's the one losing out because you are great children and I love spending time with you, as do xxxx (lots of other people in DC's lives). If you want to ask me anything about daddy, you always can, don't be worried about feeling silly or upsetting me or daddy.

I see what you mean.

Juneau - definitely don't want him back in my life if I can help it, it's only the guilt about ds wanting to meet his father so much that's making me feel I 'ought' to get in contact, but ds is only working from the fairytale version in his head. And yes, very much doubt exh has changed at all, if he had he should have got in touch and can completely see the point that it'll let ds down so much more getting rejected.

Thanks Dahlen, that explanation is so much less clunky than mine have been over the years, think ds would really appreciate something like that, especially as he's just starting to trial calling dp (who's been his step-dad for 2 years) 'dad' so knows he has a lot of other people who love him.

Think I was so caught up in not wanting to do the wrong thing or make ds hate me that I was trying to convince myself making contact was the right thing but am fairly sure (as much as I can be!) that it isn't so will keep supporting ds through non-contact - thanks for all the help.

Do you have a mutual friend who could keep your contact details, and casually let him know that your parents have moved?