Help accepting singledom

[bugdem]

Hi mumsnetters, apologies for what might be a long, rambly post but I'm hoping someone can help give me some perspective or a good kick up the arse.

I'm 24 and I've been single for 18 months. I've never had very good self esteem or confidence. In fact I'd probably go as far as to say its bordering on non existant. Since I was young I've always thought I was fat, ugly, stupid, boring, not good enough.

My last relationship was on and off for 2 and a half years with him dictating the terms at all times. We were together for 9 months and then he split with me but we continued to see each other with an idea that after 6 months we would get back together, we then kept this up for about another 9 months where we split up with him telling me he would rather do anything else than spend time with me.

We didn't speak for around 9 months when he got back in touch and the cycle repeated until this time he told me he'd cheated on a weekend away with his friends and I left and haven't spoke to him since. I've since been told by a mutual friend that he apparently only said that so is leave but I'm not sure that's true.

My two previous boyfriends also cheated on (coincidently with the same girl years apart!) and I honestly feel like I'm just defective. I'm just not good enough to keep someone committed to me

In the time I've been single I had a holiday fling a few weeks after we split up which was nice at the time. I've also developed a FWB situation which was good at the start but now just seems to compound this feeling I have that I'm not good enough to be someone's girlfriend.

I went on a couple of dates with someone that I liked but there was an incident after a night out that basically ruined it. I don't really remember what happened but I woke up in bed with one of his friends. I have no idea how I got there, how it happened or what even actually happened as I was out with the guy I went on a date with but suffice to say he wants nothing to do with me and I can't say I blame him.

All of this has basically compounded to me that I am not good enough or worthy of being in a relationship. That I deserve to be alone. But I'm finding this quite hard to deal with. I'm hoping that someone can give me some advice on how to accept it and maybe even become happy about it?

Again sorry for the long, rambly post and any typos.

Given that you're not happy with being single what would your ideal situation be?

Ideally, I would like a long term relationship and to build a life with someone however I have a voice inside my head screaming "no one is ever going to love you" so I'm finding it difficult/impossible to see that as something that could realistically happen.

Where did that voice come from?

Its a very bad idea to hinge your happiness on your relationship status. If you can't be happy alone, then you are going to struggle to start a happy and fulfilling relationship.

This is the time to focus on your friends, family, career and hobbies. View a man as a nice added bonus, not then sole reason for your happiness.

I say this as a fellow single 24 year old who is enjoying life :)

It's so hard to accept it when the whole of society seems to be screaming " In order to be a worthy woman you must have a boyfriend." But you know what? ; it's bollocks. Your ex sounds like an abusive arse and you are well shot. It's his loss , not yours.
I say this as a 35 year old woman who is unable to "keep a man." In hindsight however, I can see thaht none of my ex partners are worth keeping anyway You are still so young; work on that self-esteem and don't take any crap! If you aren't happy alone you will settle for any old prick and you don't want that. (NOt to self: must take own advice!)

note

Thanks everyone! I think I do need to work on my confidence. I'm not scared of being alone as such as I have a good job, doing my degree part time and have really good friends so in that sense I'm not "alone" but I can't pretend I don't miss some affection or someone to share things with. You don't really get that with a FWB!

Superstar, in hindsight, and after reading some of the posts on here, I realise now how messed up my relationship with my ex was and that the way he would manipulate me was bordering on (if not actually) emotionally abusive. It was like I had Stockholm syndrome, just kept going back for more and more. I now realise that he's a 30 year old adolescent and I feel sorry for the poor girl he's doing the same to now!

Starting the gym and eating properly when I'm back from my holiday and hopefully that might help improve my self image a bit. Not really sure what else to do to improve my self esteem as there's more to it than just looks and it is a way I've always felt about myself, is there anyway to help boost my confidence with books or something similar