Think I fucked up - how do I make it better?

[RememberingMyPFEs]

Apologies for the length of the post - I needed to get it all out iykwim

I have a 5.5wo DD and am exhausted. DH is stressed with work right now and working long hours but is my rock when he's home. I had a shit day today with no sleep overnight and a very fussy and fractious child all day. Called DH in tears at 7pm and he came home with flowers. I'm not in PND territory but I get how I could be...

DD won't tolerate being put down in the day so DH took her while I sorted dinner but he made a couple of comments I took badly and we sniped a bit. I said we were both tired so we kissed and made up.

A little later I was trying to work through plans for coming weekends (his folks, my folks etc) and he's a bit shit at planning but got increasingly arsey at me asking. Eventually came out that he thought I was 'banging on' about one aspect as I was trying to figure out what he actually wanted to do.

I then said we should talk about our communication as it was clearly shit ATM. He was
I should have left it alone but I can't.
We chatted a bit and I couldn't stop crying. Felt misunderstood and unsupported (unreasonably so) and had overwhelming urge to cause myself pain.

Got ice cream to calm myself down, couldn't get the spoon in cos it was too hard and had complete 5yo temper tantrum. Ended up with pot flying across table where i jammed the spoon in and it hit DH leg. Pathetic. I ran into the kitchen and screamed ten got all passive aggressive with DH cos he didn't run after me to check I was ok.
Ended up pulling my hair and being a compete child.
DH stropped off to bed. Can't blame him.

I should have left DD with him and got an early night til the next feed but instead I've pushed away my rock and am up alone and scared, shattered and wondering how the fuck to undo my pathetic behaviour. I think I really scared DH too

Thanks for sticking with me if you're still reading
(Shoulda name changed but dunno how to on the app)

I think you should have a chat with your health visitor

Hope you feel better soon

Bless you. Apologise to him in the morning. And don't be too hard on yourself. The early days can be emotional and difficult. I'm sure someone else will be along soon to give better advice than me.

Remembering, what a shit night you've had..

To get things back on track, apologise to your DP. Then tomorrow, speak to your HV about PND. You are definitely "in the territory".

Hi, you sound absolutely exhausted and a bit depressed. Do you have a group of girlfriends who could take you out for a coffee and a rant? While your DH stays home with the baby for a couple of hours?

This will pass, and will get better :)

AF/Dione I've been doing ok most of the time but perhaps you're right... Worth chatting to her at least...

Aurynne I'm newish to my area so don't have any close friends locally. Some new friends who I hope will become close but I wouldn't want to scare them off just yet.

5 and a half weeks is nothing. At that stage I could barely get dressed/get off the sofa/ certainly couldn't do an outing! Do you have to do all this stressful family visit stuff? (I don't know whether you are visiting or hosting, but both are stressful.) Give yourselves a break and explain to the family you can't do it yet, its too much. (They could stay in a b&b near you and just do short visits maybe?)

Don't lose sleep (ha!) over this spat with your DH. Just apologise in the morning, don't rake over any old ground. But, people do need sleep in order to function. You're not getting any. You do need some help. Perhaps you and DH can work out who can provide that help. (Now I'm contradicting myself, eg if your mum, say, could come and help you grab some naps.)

Brought my child up alone.

Better fuck off then before I get flamed.

Sorry to hear that.

I agree with the others that you should speak with your HV and perhaps your GP.

It would be a good idea to apologise to your DH.

Do you have extra support? Family/friends who you could pencil in to come round so you can do nothing but sleep.

If you could afford it - a mothers help or pt nanny?

Sorry xpost

Lily thanks I am hard on myself and knowing I'm doing ok is nice to hear. I go out for a coffee most days and DH and I do stuff on weekends so thought I was coping ok til this week. Think DD is in a growth spurt.

I can postpone trips to see family - it might help as one trip is stressing me out for sure - my Mum passed last year and dad is elderly and I need to go see him and intro to his GD but it means taking a flight and DH taking time off work at a bad time.

I might see if his mum could come and help for a day or two...

Marialuna sorry what's the point you're trying to make?

caramel no one local but DH family are all happy to come see us and always muck in to help out.

Thank all for replying. I'm going to try to get some sleep now, will e back later when she's up for a feed.

Oh bless you, you are exhausted, don't be so hard in yourself.

Sleep deprivation makes us do strange things, I have a wonderful story of how my aunt thought she had thrown one of her twins out of the window! Not funny at the time, but looked back on now as a wonderful example of how being deprived of sleep makes you act bizarrely. The baby was found under the covers on her bed!

I hope you get a few hours sleep and you will feel totally different,

I also feel like having a tantrum with that rock hard ice cream at times. Ridiculous it is!

and .

xx

Just wanted to add some more support. My lo is 6wks & last night my dh and I got ratty at each other. The stress of just having a newborn / tiny infant + sleep deprivation is a recipe for relationship stress, so take it easy on yourself! You're doing well, keep going, and try to get some fresh air each day, even if it's just stood in your garden/outside your front door in your jammies!

Yes Marialuna, can you explain a bit what you meant???

OP - the early days are hard, your hormones are still all over the place and the smallest things become a massive deal. I'm sure your DH will understand this and you can have a cuddle and make up in the morning. You know you we're a bit 'childish' - not saying you WERE childish, but you recognise that it all got a bit out if hand and silly.

Hope today is a better day!

You haven't messed up. Dont be so hard on yourself.
Have a hug with your dh. He is probably feeling as upset as you

I think the early years of babies can be very isolating.
Do you have a good relationship with your mil?
Could she come and help?
Try to get out if the house on your own. Maybe at the weekend.
Speak to the hv. Ask her for some support.
Put yesterday behind you both. Today is another day

I remember having a very similar tantrum with hair pulling etc when DD was a similar age. DP just stood in the doorway staring at me totally shocked. I don't remember what the tantrum was about or how it was resolved but it certainly didn't have any lasting effect on us. You're exhausted and should cut yourself some slack, your dh won't hold a grudge at all I'm sure. Have a cuddle, explain that you weren't having a go at him but were just sounding off in general. The early days/weeks/months with a baby are very hard and this probably won't be your last meltdown but just make your dh aware of how tough it is and that sometimes you'll need to have a rant to him to get it out of your system. It will be fine I'm sure.

I love being a mother and never came close to having PND, but I will happily admit that there were times in the first year that I really thought I had made a dreadful mistake. I threw a poo-covered nappy across the room in a rage once (that worked out well... ) because I'd simply had enough.

Having a baby can be one of the most stressful things anyone will ever do in their lives. I've been involved in some pretty high octane situations but I'd class my first year of being a parent as more difficult than those. There is nothing quite like it.

No one was around to witness my one-off tantrum, which I dealt with by having a good sob, sorting it out, calling my best friend and proceeding to drink best part of a bottle of wine (very unusual) while on the phone to her for nearly 2 hours.

What it made me realise was that me - someone with a remarkably high coping threshold who is well known for being calm and controlled - had reached my limitations. There is no shame in that but it is vital to acknowledge it and do something about it. You need more support.

In my case I didn't have much support I could call on. Family all dead/too far away and friends had their own lives/families, etc. I ended up adopting a fairly ruthless routine in order to get through, which maximised my opportunities for sleep. It wasn't a magic wand cure but it helped considerably.

You've had a wake-up call. Please don't beat yourself up about your behaviour. You're only human. But please don't ignore it either. Talk to your HV and your DH and accept whatever help you are able to get.

Congratulations on your DD.

Thank you all! I knew it would be hard but underestimated how hard it would be and am stubbornly independent so need to get better at asking for/ accepting help!

I feel slightly brighter this am and slept 1-4:30 6-8 which has helped. Had a cuddle and I apologised. DH is scared by my behaviour last night but I did explain sleep deprivation is a form of torture. Your posts have helped too!

We have our 6 week check this afternoon with the HV so I'll talk through how I'm feeling and what's going on with her. Thanks again for taking time to read and reply

You will feel better soon and DH will one day join you in laughing about the hideous time when you were so exhausted. Don't know about LO not tolerating being left down for a moment, maybe it is you that can't tolerate it if DD cries a bit. I know she is still tiny but you need to put her down at some point or you will go crazy.

Sleep is absolutely everything, until youve experienced it its impossible to understand what lack of it does! Do whatever is necessary to get enough, OP. And rack back on the socialising gerfuffles, let them comevto you.

Those first few weeks are so so tough (I am laughing and the poo filled nappy being lobbed across the room) Sleep deprivation is a terrible thing and factor in a few hormones trying to settle themselves down, its not really surprising we lose the plot every now and again. I hope you feel better and your dh recovers from the shock of flying ice cream

ps. my dd never wanted to be put down. That is very tough especially when tired. It does get better. My daughter is now a thoroughly independent 11 year old that's just started high school but I remember those days so clearly x

Apologise, give him a big hug.

Talk to your health visitor, and look out for local coffee mornings, toddler groups, NCT postnatal groups and GO. They provide huge, huge, huge social and emotional support because you are all in the same boat, and 'older' mothers can reassure you. These are the normal worries new mums have for not coming: 1. they are too fat. 2. they don't fit into any of their clothes. 3. nobody will like them 4. if you aren't instant bezzie mates that confirms you are crap and shit.

Don't worry! I used to tell my group: if you haven't managed to get out of your pyjamas by 11 o clock, just pull a tracksuit on and still come! Don't worry, its fine.

And, very very important: stop following the capitalist 24hr clock. You are NOT lazy, please take sleep deprivation seriously. It isn't used as military torture for nothing!! Do what you can housework wise, and when your baby sleeps, you sleep (especially in the afternoon).

Take care, your entire life has changed, and it is all pretty overwhelming. Be kind to yourself.

You sound what I was like (my little one is now approaching 7 months). I slipped well into the PND territory and my behaviour got worse and worse before I admitted defeat. Now, thats not to say you will follow suite, but I would strongly advise you to follow all the fantastic advice on this page. And most importantly, wellwobbly speaks a lot of sense. I don't think I was so kind to myself, and I struggled to ask for help - I also struggled to ask my OH for help, or even let him help where he could (as I was bf). I'm getting so much better at it, and that has helped me so so much.

And yes, nap when you can, 6 weeks old is nothing, and you're just getting used to the sleep deprivation where the 'high' of having a newborn is wearing off, and lack of sleep is a daily isolating slog. God, it's tough, but even with my PND, babycare is so much better/easier as the months go on. Hugs.