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Original poster

Husband having dinner at Nobu with female friend while I'm at home with kids

64 replies

orangeblosssom · 05/09/2013 23:16

Opinions please.
Found out today that husband had dinner at Nobu last Thursday with female friend. To make it worse, we went there for our anniversary last year.
He did tell me was going to a meeting with her but didn't know about the details.
Saw it on her Facebook page.

OP posts:

WipsGlitter · 06/09/2013 07:04

You sound very insecure. Why the trust issues? Does he have form? I have a male friend and we do things just us but there's nothing in it. We have private jokes. I've known him longer than his wife and sometimes we can share ' a look' because we both find something funny.

Do you work?

bouncyagain · 06/09/2013 07:10

I'm a guy. The meal itself - hmm. The pet names, her divorce, her desire to confide in him? Imo if I were doing all that then it would be an affair. I have female friends. I have dinners with just one female friend. I do not go to nobu with them. I do not have pet names for them. Sounds dodgy to me.

Lavenderhoney · 06/09/2013 07:23

Have i got this riight?- So their reason for being in contact for business finished a few months ago, they are still in touch, they have nicknames for each other and now they have dinner together at "your" restaurant which was special enough to you for your dh to take you to for your anniversary. This is not a business dinner, as the business reason stopped.

You found out because she posted on her fb- are you a friend of hers on fb?

Its unusual a business person used to going to smart places would post a pic on fb, expecially if its business as its rather unprofessional, to me anyway. How old is she?

He could have met her for lunch and " networked" but he decided a lovely dinner out would be nicer, presumably. He had a chance to say no, lunch is better as I have a family.

Personally I would struggle with being at home alone every night whilst my dh lived it up in London after work. Once a week maybe at a proper event, but not dinner a deux with other women when he should want to be at home with you.

Does he get home late Friday too? Where does he live during the week, does he come home? Or return late Friday?

Quality of time and not quality is bollocks anyway. Does he spend the weeks romancing you and being a great dad? Then disappears for the week again? Is he a bit possessive of his phone?

WorrySighWorrySigh · 06/09/2013 07:24

It seems to me (I may be wrong so apologies) that your DH is dressing this up as a work relationship when it is anything but.

Even if this had been an evening out with a male friend then pretending it was a meeting would be bad enough.

You must have a lot of questions about the need to at best create confusion about what was happening, the nature of the relationship with this friend and why your DH saw fit to prioritise dinner out over an evening at home.

MidnightHag · 06/09/2013 07:31

No helpful advice, OP, but you might want to get MN to remove your post at 5.20 today. DP's friend might be on MN as well as FB,

SPBisResisting · 06/09/2013 07:38

What is your main concern about thos op? Do you think they are having an affair? Or about to? Or are you annoyed (rightly so imo) that he gets to have fun, flirty nights out on the premise of business dinners while you wipe bums and read stories?
And why is everyone so snobby these days - on here and in rl. Any opportunity to show off about which restaurants. Are posh enough.

Peanate · 06/09/2013 07:47

I'd be meh about this if it were me. Both DH and I dine out at posh restaurants frequently (separately) with members of the opposite sex for work. It's part of our jobs tbh.

Once I had a very long and boozy lunch at Nobu with one other person who happened to be male.

I think your issue sounds like a confidence one, and that you don't trust him.

catsmother · 06/09/2013 07:53

I think Lavenderhoney has summed up exactly why I'd feel very uncomfortable and hurt by the circumstances you describe.

I guess it doesn't really matter what the restaurant is - but if it's one that was special enough for a significant event - and he then takes his "friend" there apropos of nothing, it does rather take the shine off things doesn't it ? In addition, if this "friend" warrants such a treat in the middle of the week, why doesn't he organise the same sort of thing for you, e.g. by suggesting a babysitter ? I think I'd feel uneasy and hurt because at best, it'd feel as if in his eyes there wasn't a great deal of difference between us - except she "deserves" a lovely treat for no good reason and I don't.

If there's nothing untoward going on there are plenty of ways to keep in touch with genuine friends without rubbing your wife's nose in it. I hope there's nothing to worry about it but my bullshit radar tells me otherwise. Who on earth would describe catching up with a friend as a meeting FFS ? ..... it's more as if he wants you to think there's a business element to them seeing each other. But that's (probably) crap if their venture finished ages ago.

If you've had past issues about this woman, it might seem as if he's goading you by taking her out to a fancy restaurant ? The kind thing to have done, if it was a genuine business meeting would have been to have discussed why they were meeting up beforehand so you felt reassured - but he didn't do that, sounds like you know nothing of their conversation etc. and furthermore, didn't tell you they were going to a place that had special associations for you.

At best, he's been extremely crass and insensitive IMO - and that's leaving aside the issue of him being absent 80% of evenings, and whether that's really necessary (or is he capitalising on the opportunities to socialise and forego family responsibilities ?). I hope it's nothing more OP (although being secretive, insensitive and oblivious to you being "stuck in" so often isn't good anyway).

ALittleStranger · 06/09/2013 07:59

Why are we calling this a "treat" for the other women? Did the OP's husband pay? Personally I don't find the idea of going to fancy restaurants with friends that unusual. But the OP clearly does. Is that the problem, her husband gets to live a fun Nobu single life out of the home and she's stuck at home with an Asda lifestyle?

I would find your set-up intolerable, even before the female friend comes into the equation. How often do you get to spend evenings out with your friends, are restaurants just a "treat" for special days now?

AttilaTheMeerkat · 06/09/2013 08:03

What catsmother wrote.

He seems to be acting as the knight in shining armour to this woman as well if she is indeed talking to him about her marital problems. They seem to be drawing each other into their worlds and I would be very worried too as being both fed up and angry with him. This has all the hallmarks actually of an emotional affair due to the secrecy, all his emotional energies are being poured onto her. From what you write also it can be inferred that you had no prior knowledge at all of this dinner last Thursday.

When you state that you've had rows before with H over this woman, has he called you paranoid and stating over and over that nothing has happened?.

Lazyjaney · 06/09/2013 08:07

Is that the problem, her husband gets to live a fun Nobu single life out of the home and she's stuck at home with an Asda lifestyle

That was my impression too.

"Dining for work" is fairly common, and it's typically on expenses - it's what keeps these overpriced, underwhelming signature restaurants going. One of the flipsides of women increasingly moving into senior roles is more and more of these will be between people of opposite sex.

RhondaJean · 06/09/2013 08:10

I wouldn't be arsed at dh having dinner with a female friend ( actually I lie terribly there, I'd be jealous as hell because I love eating out!) but the rest doesn't feel right.

What would bother me about THIS meal out is that it's a restaurant he felt was special enough to book for an anniversary meal but then he went for a "casual" night out. Either there's more to it than a casual night or it wasn't that special to start with - whichever I choose it devalues me doesn't it?

Bitrustyandbusty · 06/09/2013 08:20

Sorry but I think there is more to this than not telling you about dinner. Nicknames and ample time to see her, should he so wish. Hope for the best but prepare your self for the worst OP.

AnyFucker · 06/09/2013 08:30

This wasn't a work dinner

People really should rtft

WorrySighWorrySigh · 06/09/2013 08:33

It sounds to me like a bit of a showy-offy ego stroke for him. Fancy 'special' restaurant he took DW to for anniversary, nicknames, silly comments about quality rather than quantity family time. All of this is about showing off to this other woman.

The thing is that it isnt many steps from an ego stroke to something rather more. Of course he will think that he is immune, that he is too clever for that. He isnt. It is all too easy to go from ego stroke to affair to sad bloke in a bed sit taking his kids to MacDonalds on a Sunday.

nocarsgo · 06/09/2013 08:36

I agree it wasn't a work dinner. And, crucially, the OP's husband didn't tell her about it. That speaks volumes.

As for the pet names...

ageofgrandillusion · 06/09/2013 08:36

He sounds like a knob. YaYa? Fucking YaYa???? You can just bet he thinks he's really clever for coming up with that name. If he's not shagging her yet, he soon will be. Him and fucking yaya are having a right old laugh while your're sat at home. What does this woman look like OP? Is she pretty?

Whocansay · 06/09/2013 08:41

This sounds like it could be an emotional affair to me. They have no reason to keep in touch.

I would be very hurt if my dh took another woman for dinner at a fancy restaurant (although this may be a bigger deal for me as when we go out it tends to be cheap and cheerful, the cost may not be an issue here). The fact that you went there for your anniversary suggests its a bit special. A 'catch up' is usually lunch. I would feel happier if they went Dutch or it was paid for on expenses though.

I wouldn't be happy about them sharing a hotel room either, tbh. The nicknames thing is just wrong.

You need to have a chat with him about why he kept this a secret. And ask him why he feels you do not need support during the week.

ivykaty44 · 06/09/2013 08:44

opinion

I would be very angry at this type of behaviour

EeyoreIsh · 06/09/2013 08:52

I would be really unhappy about this.

First, he lied about having a business meeting when he was in fact at a social event. If DH went out for dinner whilst I was at home, without having invited me, I would be livid.

Secondly, it was a dinner at a nice restaurant that means something to you as a couple, without telling you. The real issue for me here would be that he didn't tell you where he was. He is lying by omission.

The fact that the ow is getting divorced, and they have nicknames for each other, could either be innocuous or indicative of an inappropriate relationship.

HerdyHerdwick · 06/09/2013 08:58

OP, what does 'she is trying to divorce' mean exactly. As in what is she saying to your DH, or rather what is he saying to you about it?

MairzyDoats · 06/09/2013 08:58

The thing that struck me is that you're stuck at home every night without support while he has business meetings - but on an evening when he could be at home with you, he's meeting a female friend socially. In which case, why make it something flashy, and why not invite you along?

AbiRoad · 06/09/2013 09:01

If it makes you feel better, I think yaya may be a pet version of grandmother in Spanish.

Blu · 06/09/2013 09:46

OP, he may or may not be in an affair, or it may be that that is what she has in mind and he thinks he is simply being a friend and is crassly oblivious as to why you have issues around it. However, he is definitely not pulling his supportive weight as a family member I have friends who work in a largely male city environment and they tell me they routinely 'have to' stay late until the humdrum work of bedtime with kids is over and they can roll in to a glass of wine. If he is usually out in the evenings he could have taken the chance to do some parenting.

It sounds as if you could do with weta calm assertive discussion about your relationship as a whole, teamwork, him understanding the sheer lonely quantity that parenting can be, and a discussion about his behaviour and trust wrt to this woman .

garlicbargain · 06/09/2013 11:19

Charity, you're wrong about this dinner, but you'd missed my point anyway. When somebody's going out to lovely restaurants, theatres, whatever, the fact that it's all on expenses doesn't stop it being a social life. That's the whole purpose of business entertainment - to have a good time and forge close relationships.

It's a bit tough when one partner has this and the other's at home.

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