Is it me - or is he a complete pig!!

[Jazzi]

Dp has just spent the morning shouting at me about getting the boys to school even though I have been up all night with a tummy-bug. He works locally with his family (which is another story in its self!!), so his hours are not as fixed as other peoples. I normally do it myself, even though I also work, this is just a one off!!
If I ever break his routine he is really abusive infront of me and the boys, is it worth carrying on with this person. Help, I feel really sad!!!

Poor you. From what you describe, it doesn't sound like he is treating you very nice at all.
Has he always been like this?

Oh you poor thing, you must feel disgusting this morning. Bit of sympathy would have been nice, wouldn't it? I hate that idea that since you're the mother, you're responsible for the kids / food even if you're really sick....

Quick, tell us the nice things about him before you pack your cases!

I'd say a week away leaving him to sort out the kids is in order, he sounds like an insensitive pig!

He has, but it seems to run in cycles. He can be fine and then all of a sudden he gets really moody and abusive. I have tried to get him to the GP, but he never goes!!
Nice things are getting more limited - he has a hairy chest and blue eyes!! Oh and the father to my lovely boys!!

Not that it excuses his behaviour, but I wonder if he has problems/tensions at work or if it is just the stress of everyday life with two kids getting to him?

I would like my dp to be my friend and a friend would be kind enough to bring you a cup of something in bed and get the kids off to school when you're sick.

SSandy, I think he has a lot of family stuff that is bubbling under the surface, and he is sensitive to everything. I try and be supportive, but when he acts like this, and it certainly isn't the first time, it becomes more and more difficult to have any sympathy!!

When you say abusive, do you mean he is often verbally abusive to you?
Have you tried to sit him down (during a calmer moment) & tell him how much he is hurting you?

He is verbally abusive, and can throw stuff about and break things, but thankfully he has never hit me or the boys!! Usually once the initial mood has blown its course we sit and talk to find out what is wrong. But I am getting fed-up with being so understanding, when he never shows it back!! It should go both ways. He never shows any appreciation for what I do, in all the time we have been together, which is 7 years, he has only brought me 1 Christmas and birthday present, and that was when we first got together. God I am really moaning now, must be the lack of sleep. Sorry everyone, I will stop being such a moody cow!!

Jazzi,

If his overall behaviour (not just this episode) is causing you to question your relationship then I would listen to your inner voice of concern and not blank it out. If he is up and down all the time and takes it out on you your children are seeing this too - and are learning from it.

Do you think he is controlling? Controlling men can be at heart very angry. What triggers these angry/abusive episodes?.

If he will not go to the GP no amount of persuading or coercion on your part will get him to change his mind. The ball is therefore in your court - you may want to go to Relate on your own to discuss all this with someone impartial.

Do you stay with him primarily because he is the father to your two boys?.

WTF??!!! He has only ever bought you one Christmas and one birthday present. That is totally unacceptable imo.

And sweetheart you shouldn't have to be thankful that he has never hit you. That should never even be a possibility.

Jazzi

Have your boys seen him do this?

Verbal abuse can be a percursor to physical abuse shown towards you. Verbal abuse can be just as damaging as physical stuff because that eats away at your self worth and esteem.

Look back to how you were seven years ago before he came into your life - what were you like as a person?. More outgoing, had lots of friends?. How has he changed you?.

You've put seven years into a relationship that has serious problems in it for a long time - you honestly do not want another seven years of same or worse. You may ultimately have to consider whether you two have any future at all. Also you now have your two sons to consider - what are they learning from you both?. That's its okay for their dad to verbally abuse their Mum - don't kid yourself that they don't see it because they pick up on the tension.

ATM, thank you for you advice, and you are right. I am with him mainly for the boys. I stopped really being in love a long time ago. He is very controlling of our relationship sometimes, but then can exhibit the total opposite behaviour. It seems to be worse when he has got something stressful to deal with. I know I am being hardhearted, but I also have a stressful life and can't lose my rag with everyone because of it!!

I'm veering towards the pig decision.

"I am with him mainly for the boys".

Oh No Jazzi!!:(. Big sigh. This is certainly not a good enough reason to put up with being abused. Look at this from another angle - what's his behaviour along with your reaction to it teaching your sons?. You do realise of course that if things carry on exactly the same as they are, your sons could grow up doing the self same behaviours as their Dad is. They are being damaged as well by his behaviour along with your good self. Sorry to write that but you should be aware that controllers can cause great emotional harm to family members.

"I stopped really being in love a long time ago. He is very controlling of our relationship sometimes, but then can exhibit the total opposite behaviour".

Controlling men are at heart very plausible to the outside world along with being very angry. Its you who bears the brunt of his controlling ways. Often such men have deep seated emotional problems. Those are his problems though and he needs to seek help for his controlling behaviours. Unfortunately many such men do not.

"I know I am being hardhearted" No you are not.

"but I also have a stressful life and can't lose my rag with everyone because of it!!".
The stressful life I would argue is primarily due to him and his controlling behaviours.

I would strongly suggest you read a publication called "Why does he do that?" written by Lundy Bancroft. It covers many aspects of such controlling behaviours.

I will try and get a copy - and thanks for all your advice. I know you are right - it needs for a complete stranger to make you realise though sometimes. The sad part is he can be a great dad, and is most of the time, he is usually supportive of my job, it just seems to be when it affects him he is then less supportive, like this morning!!!

My dh can be controlling, especially where money is concerned. However, he never scares me, he just moans a lot sometimes . If I am ill, he would always ask if I need anything. On occasions, when he worked from home, he would take ds to school if I was having a bad day with my depression. Sometimes he would miss his lunch hour so that he could pick ds up for me at 3pm.

That is a partnership in my opinion. Don't get me wrong, sometimes dh can be a pig, but then I can be a cow (a veritable farmyard in my house!) What makes the difference is that we are there for each other when one of us needs support...

I know, the more I hear about everyone else's dp or dh, the more sad it makes me feel. I just want whats best for my boys.

Just had another row with dp who said that he feels no-one appreciates what he does. I feel the need to leave at the moment, wish I didn't feel so ill!!!

Just had another row with dp who said that he feels no-one appreciates what he does. I feel the need to leave at the moment, wish I didn't feel so ill!!!

What does he do then Jazz?

Hope you feel well soon, difficult to make major decisions when you're sick. I can understand how you feel though.

Will try and get a good night sleep hopefully things will seem better in the morning.