How to explain daughters fathers behaviour to her?

[WibblyWoman]

My eldest is 6. Her father constantly makes promises and breaks them, he lies about what she's missing out on there, he lets her down, he doesn't care for her adequately IMO. Sadly she no longer believes any promise he makes and so isn't disappointed when they're broken. For example he promised her that over the summer holidays they were going to Centre Parcs, camping, Thorpe Park, Disneyland etc. He did go on to have her for 3 nights (longest ever) and in that time she watched 12 films and didn't leave the house. He promised he'd come to see her off for first day back at school - no sign of him, she didn't mention it but later when I mentioned him she said 'typical that he didn't come this morning like he said he would!' He lets her eat what she wants and do what she wants. Increasingly she's questioning his behaviour - ie 'isn't it lying if he says he's going to do something but doesn't?' And while I don't want to bad mouth him, I also am not prepared to excuse him. Any ideas how I tackle this? She's mature for her age.

sent you a pm

I know it really hurts to see your child let down by their other parent (or anyone else).

I think your DD sounds like a smart young lady and with a mother who is thinking hard about the best way to handle this, I think she'll be fine.

I'm really glad you're not making the mistake of trying to force your DD's father to step up to the mark. Letting your DD see for herself at a young age that her father is not to be relied on may be hard to witness but you're doing her a favour. Her expectations of him will be realistic. He won't have the opportunity to raise her hopes to great heights only to dash them because he reneges on a promise. Although it's sad when that happens to a very young child, it tends to be bounced back from with far fewer long-term effects than when they're older.

I think the best thing to do is to remain as factual as possible and avoid conjecture. So say, "I don't know why your dad hasn't turned up" (if you give a reason you're only guessing) "but it's wrong of him to let you down when he's promised to be here." (fact and also teaches her that she matters and shouldn't have to put up with this sort of treatment) You could add "maybe he has a good reason, but you'll have to ask him" so that she learns that sometimes stuff happens that prevents people from being somewhere when they should, but the onus is squarely on him to explain himself (as it should be).

The "isn't it lying" question must have made you wince. Out of the mouth of babes and all that. I suppose the only thing you can say in those circumstances is "yes it's lying if you have no intention of doing what you say you're going to do, but sometimes people mean to do something but just don''t end up carrying it out. You'll have to ask your dad what happened" (again places the responsibility back on him to explain himself).

You don't have to explain why your DD's father behaves as he does because you don't know. You're not him and anything you say is purely conjecture. If you think you need to for your DD's sake, the most neutral thing you could say would be that some people were brought up without consequences for their behaviour and so have never learned to keep promises. It's usually just a bad habit and thoughtlessness rather than a desire to hurt someone, but that doesn't make it ok.

what dahlen said.

acknowledge the facts and that it's ok to be upset about it.

saying "yes it would make me feel sad too" isnt bad mouthing him. it's acknowledging that what he does is hurtful.

how t o t alk ...is good for some set phrases to use

www.amazon.co.uk/How-Talk-Kids-Will-Listen/dp/1848123094