Need an outsiders' perspective please

[Yamyoid]

I think I was bu to start with but then he became unreasonable.
We're both trying to give up smoking so that really has an impact on patience with each other.
This morning dd woke up at 5.45 but sounded like she was going back to sleep. Dh coughed loudly and then she was properly awake. In a tired grump I moaned, now you've woken her up. He mumbled objections.
I put her in our bed as it was so early but she was noisy. After 10 mins he huffed and looked at his watch so I got up with her. He then said 'I might as well get up now' so I said something like 'oh thanks, you could have got up with her.
Later we were talking about a broken cupboard and I objected to the way he'd blamed me when we don't know what happened to it. This quickly escalated into him verbally attacking me for snapping at him 3 times and how I'm renaging on my side of the deal (sahm so should get up with kids).
He stormed off saying he's off to work to earn the money that we all need or something like that.
I think he also complained about the state of the house on his way out.
This was in front of the kids and I really had to try to act normal in front of them afterwards.
He always has a hot temper but will apologise after when he knows he's wrong but this time I thought actually perhaps I'd be better off without him.
I know this is nothing compared to the other stuff here on the relationships board but I just wanted to know if iwbu. And to get it off my chest.

Is this a one off, or how your relationship is all the time?

What is the state of the house?

I think your initial assessment was right. It started off with you being unreasonable (snapping at him) and quickly reached a point where he was (snapping at you).

Whether that is significant depends entirely on context. In the context of you both giving up smoking and having a bad night's sleep and early start, this doesn't seem significant. His comments about your role as SAHM and the state of the house could be very much throwaway comments and not particularly directed at you. However, in the context of a relationship where there is a power imbalance, his words could take on a whole new meaning and be quite sinister.

What is your relationship like generally?

It sounds to me that you were both BU, and that you're generally not in a very good place in your relationship. Lots of snide comments, resentment of each other and blame. You also both sound very stressed.

Do you get to enjoy spending time together? Do you both get 'me-time' or is it a never-ending jumble of work, housework, kids etc? If I were you (and I have been through something similar) I would firstly have a very frank talk about how you feel and what you want to change. Then I would try to get back to a more positive footing by setting aside time where you share things you enjoy.

He is a good person generally and knows his shortcomings but doesn't do much around the house.
We had a talk a while ago where he said he wants to try really hard to be a better person in terms of our relationship.
He works very hard and is stressed and tired a lot of the time but I think I'm becoming more fed up.
Last night he got in from work and was on the iPad instead of interacting with the dcs.
I'll see what he has to say later about this morning I guess.

I do tend to see other couples' relationships and feel that there's something missing from ours.
We don't do much together and 50% of the evenings I'm busy while he's watching tv.

Going out now, will check again later. Thanks for the replies.

I think you need to live by the spirit rather than the letter of your agreements.

Otherwise you end up being contractors in a household management plan - which you're both trying to manage, so hold each other to account on too - rather than being partners, working to the same ends, with care and consideration for each other, so inevitably a bit of flexibility, kindness and unprompted reciprocity.

You're a SAHM and have agreed that this includes covering early mornings. He's playing the 'but that's the deal' card by waking up early, knowing he could get up with dd but not doing so, even though he's so wide awake he's going to get up anyway, because it's your 'job' and he can quote 'the rules of your deal' on that.

Perhaps he thought you were as wide awake as he was, so you'd all be getting up anyway but huffing to get you up was unkind.

Ultimately, do you care about each other and are you both able to show that? Do you both think that caring for each other and making things work is more important than who is 'right' or 'meeting the terms of their contract'?

Actually I don't think either of you were "being unreasonable" You are both tired ,and stressed because of giving up smoking,you say your DH is tired and stressed generally,and you got woken up at 5.45am...

You were both snippy,you both could have acted differently,but if this isn't what everyday is like in your family,that just life.

How old are your kids? It can be difficult ,stating the blindingly obvious.IMO arguments and the occasional feeling that your partner is a waste of space,are pretty normal at that stage and not a sign of anything beyond the fact that life can be hard work.
The same with your DP coming home and relaxing with his iPad,rather than playing with the DCs - I sympathise,I have had days coming home when I feel I can't relate to another person however much I love them till I've had a short time to chill out. If it is all the time,not on.If the homecomer is really needed to do something straight away,fair enough.
But if a partner needs time and you can give it to them that is a kind thing to do IMO - assuming that cuts both ways when the other partner needs a break. (which would be your DH getting up with your DD if he was awake anyway!)

All these comments just relate to your posts so far - obviously more may be going on in your relationship,only you know that.

The fact that most evenings he spends watching TV or on the ipad while you are busy is a bit of a red flag. He may have been at work all day, but so have you been, albeit in the house. Why does he get to switch off and relax but you don't?

That's how I feel dahlen.
I am tolerant and I give him plenty of time to switch off because I know how stressed he is with work.
I get frustrated because he is so good at getting his point across whereas I shy away from arguments.
We talk about stuff then fall back into the same habits, things like us rarely going out as a family for the day.
Apparently I snap at him too much yet he does it too.
I'm just feeling deflated after the way he was this morning. Maybe I'll feel better after a chat with him later.

Oh and the dcs are one toddler and one yr2.

There was an interesting study done recently where a man in a stressful job had his stress levels monitored throughout the day. They did the same to his SAH wife. The wife's stress levels were way higher than the man's. This was put down to the fact that while the man's role was more demanding (as in utilising a specific set of skills, meeting deadlines etc), he had far more control over his work than the mother did over hers and was in an adult environment where people conformed to normal social niceties. Children, OTOH, are not usually known for their ability to be reasonable and completely ignore your coffee break.

The point of me waffling on with that is that his 'stressful' job does not give him carte blanche to opt out of family life. Chances are that your day has been equally as stressful in a different way. At least when he leaves work he leaves his stressful environment. You don't even get to do that.

The only way to ensure fairness in a working/SAH relationship is to look at the amount of leisure time you each have. You should have the same time to yourselves without children, and the same time to yourselves without doing chores. While you couldn't be a SAHM without him working, neither could he do his job without you facilitating it unless he wanted to pay vast sums in childcare (assuming an average 9-5 day with a 45-min commute each way, this would work out at well over £10,000 per year based on your children's wages). You are both equally important and this should be reflected in your division of labour. If he gets in from work and you've had the day from hell with the toddler so that dinner hasn't been cooked and the washing hasn't been folded, he should be sharing those tasks with you, not sitting down watching TV while you carry on.

I'm sure he knows that really but it wouldn't happen.
It's crazy because he has a great sense of fairness in the wider world but doesn't see it at home. He justifies it to himself because he works so hard and that he can't help getting pissed off sometimes. He thinks if he apologises, then it's ok. It seems any way.
He isn't depressed but is acting like he's not far off. He drinks way too much and eats too much junk in the evening. He has wider family stresses too which is why I don't push things too hard. But also because it's impossible to win an argument with him over it.

You know you don't have to 'win' an argument with him. All that means is that one of you is better at arguing than the other. All you have to do is say "this is how it is and if you don't do it, this... will happen".

Of course, to be able to do that, you need to know in your own mind what you want and what you are going to use as consequences. Sadly, IME men who feel entitled to treat their partners like domestic skivvies only understand one consequence - being kicked out. That's probably not what you want to hear though.

On the positive side, if this is just a rut you've got into and you think you can change things, try reading Wifework by Susan Maushart. It will help you explain what you feel to your DH in a way he may understand. You could try rewriting it in your own words and condensing it to smaller and smaller versions before discussing it with your DH. Even better, if there's any possibility that he will read it himself, get him to.

I hope I don't cause offence, but the overwhelming tone from your posts is not anger or even resentment, it's passivity. You sound like you've given up and just accepted that this is the way it is. That may be because he twists arguments so well, hence why I encourage you not to have them anymore.

Tell him sorry doesn't cut it. The damage has been done. Far better to not behave in a way that requires an apology. Every time he treats you like a maid, he kills your marriage just a little bit more. If he loves you he will take this seriously and want to make you feel like his cherished wife, not his unpaid skivvy.

Thanks dahlen, you have given me lots to think about. I am terrible for being passive aggressive or, you're right, just passive.
I'll read Wifework and hope it helps.

I think appreciation is whats lacking here, on both sides. He doesn't appreciate what you have to do but points out the things you haven't done.
We're all still like children in that respect and would like to be praised on how well we're doing with something, but it's not so nice when what we get wrong is thrown in our face.
Pointing out each others flaws isn't good.
Learning from experience is the only way forward.
What happened this morning, your actions, the consequences, all were not good. Talk about how you would deal with situation should it arrise again to give you both a positive outcome. How could you have done things differently to make you all happy?