Relatives as house guests, sigh. How to cope?

[crabb]

My brother and his wife are coming to stay in a few weeks. Duration of visit is unknown, but likely to be at least a couple of weeks.

The story is that I live with just DH (kids grown up) and work full time. DB is 68 and his wife similar age, retired, and live/travel in a motorhome. I'm in Australia - we use the term grey nomads, is that used in the UK too? They haven't been to see us since Christmas 2011. That visit was, for me, a nightmare.

They did nothing wrong to create a nightmare, it was more my reaction and discomfort. I like my space and quiet time. They are in your face, especially DSIL,constantly. I am slatternly relaxed about housework; she was forever bobbing up saying "can I help?", "what can we be doing?", "do you want us to water the garden/mow the lawn/wash the dog?' etc etc.

I know this isn't AIBU, but I feel IABU, as all that's happening is them trying to be good house guests in their own eyes. To me, great houseguests do their own thing during the day and return in the evening, keep out of your hair, don't interfere with the normal running of the household, offer to help but accepts refusal of such offers as final, and just bloody sit down and read quietly while you're getting on with things (they are incapable of reading it seems). Seriously, if I was preparing dinner, she'd be up Every 10 Minutes asking if there was something she could do. Did my head in. They are on a tight budget, so can't be out visiting attractions all the time, and are therefore "in" with us a lot.

There are other issues too, of course. My DB is 13 years older than me, and he left home early (I was just 5). We have never had a close relationship and I feel awkward around him. He is a relatively recent (and very enthusiatic) convert to Christianity. I have been Christian for decades but struggling with my faith at the moment, and don't want to get into long (or any) discussions about thorny issues. Like my recently out gay son, for instance. (We haven't told them - none of their business really - and can imagine how it would sit with their brand of Christianity). I also have struggled with depression, and have various health issues, and I don't especially want to get into deep and meaningfuls about all that.

I've come to the realisation recently that I feel drained by having other people around, even just for a meal (one of the definitions of an introvert I think?). Would much rather retire to my hidey hole and only come out occasionally. Just don't like having people in my space. It's selfish, isn't it? They really mean no harm, and are kind helpful people, albeit with higher energy levels than me. And he's my only brother.

I guess I'm looking for help with how to manage the visit so that no damage is done to our relationship with them. I'm not good at hiding feelings . What do I say in the face of the constant offers to help? How to balance need for privacy and down time v "entertaining" guests? What to talk about when there are no go areas?

There is also the issue of how long they stay. I'm not good at being direct (neither is DH), so hard to ask how long they plan to visit. Seems rude somehow. This visit should be easier as we will be at work more (last was over Christmas/New Year), and they will have their motorhome this time, which constantly needs work, so that may occupy them a bit more. But I'm still anxious about it all.

Sorry, this has been awfully long.

I'd just ask them. It isn't rude of you to ask, it's rude of them not to tell you. Guests usually come when invited. If you don't want them staying for long then an email along the lines of "How long were you thinking of staying for? About a week is best for us". That way you are inviting them to stay for a week which is the way round that it should be. If they have a motor home they can stay in the area longer if they wish.
Your DIL sounds quite helpful though, she's trying to be a good guest, maybe tell her you prefer to do stuff yourself and would prefer her to sit and read a book and relax.

For starters you have to be direct. Having an end date in sight, in case it all goes wrong, is a very good idea. Just say that you're planning your forward schedule and so just need to know when they'll be heading back so you can put it in your diary.

If your SIL is always asking to do things, give her things to do! If she really does want to peel potatoes, water the plants, walk the dog or whatever, for goodness sake LET HER! If your DB tries to bring up discussion topics you'd rather avoid, just change the subject.

I think you're in danger of making this worse than it has to be by writing it off before it's even started. Unless they have some history of being horrible people, which it doesn't sound like, then there's no reason to think anything bad will happen.

If you really don't like having house guests that much, however, STOP letting them come for visits! Go and visit them instead.

I do feel for you, I'm the same about guests. I can only cope with them for about 2 nights so my heart goes out ot you.

I agree with 2rebecca, you should send an email and ask how long they are staying. Adding the phrase 'a week is best for us' is a great idea.

I do think ifyou have a time frame, you'll feel a lot better about the visit.

As far as the 'helping' is concerned I think I'd let them help you out a bit. For instance could you ask them to cook a couple of meals? That way, SIl will feel she's doing something but she will be incharge of the kitchen for those meals, so not under your feet.

I identify with you in terms of being introvert but think you need to stop being so passive. Ask them how long they will stay. If DB starts up about religion or insists on going on and on say you are not prepared to have that conversation at the moment and would appreciate it if he left you to your own devices at present. Re gay son just deal with as it arises and you don't have to justify anything to them. And yes let SIL do some stuff. Perhaps they can cook while you are at work say.

I feel your pain! I loathe having people to stay (we don't really have room for them) and get vv nervous in advance.

I think you need to 1) just ask them how long they plan to stay and 2) just explain that you like to get on with your jobs yourself. You could ask your SIL to cook a meal, that would give her something to do.

Thanks for your responses. A couple of things: they already do the occasional meal, or at least DB does, as he's the cook of the pair, but SIL helps with preparation. That's fine, as we enjoy his cooking and he enjoys doing it - but it's not enough to keep SIL sitting down for 2 minutes. She's just not a sitting quietly sort of person. (She is also a bit bossy and know-it-all. Has an opinion on everything, even if well outside her experience).

Visiting them is not easy to do, as they're either on the move, or stay for long periods at remote locations if they get some work (to supplement income). When they came 2 years ago, we did invite them ,and we paid for their flights as a Christmas present. Now they have the motorhome it's more the issue that they visit us when they're passing through the area.

I like your wording, 2Rebecca, and plan to ring them soon and use it! Knowing the time limits will be helpful, and I can make plans to fill up the empty times so we're not all stuck at home. Part of the problem is they have no time pressure to be anywhere and are never in a hurry to move on.

I know the problem is largely down to me. I hate hate hate sharing the kitchen with anyone. (I was dreadful with letting the kids help in the kitchen, and it's amazing they can cook at all). Learning how to tell them that I prefer to get on with things myself is the hard part I think.

It's worth bearing in mind that by avoiding being direct with them you are not avoiding being rude you are setting them up to automatically and unintentionally get on your nerves which really is quite mean. I'm guessing that your sil senses you're not entirely comfortable with them being there and thinks that offering to help will compensate for that. Being more direct will help you all to relax and you might actually enjoy their visit.

I wouldn't be surprised if she does sense it, Cailin. As I said before I'm not good at hiding my feelings. What you said about setting them up to fail is giving me thought. Ouch! Need to learn how to be honest so we can all relax - but the thought is scary. I feel ashamed to own up to my feelings.

Why?

When they arrive, tell them you've instituted a prayer/meditation session at (a) set time(s) each day. Hey presto, a certain amount of quiet/private time guaranteed. Otherwise, I agree with the others-give SIL tasks, be direct.

And allow yourself, without guilt or recrimination, to feel a bit sad that, although it's your brother and his wife, the relationship isn't as relaxed, instinctively easy as you would like.

I get that, I've a sibling overseas and after all these years our time together now lacks the instant, tribal closeness we had when we were children, which I miss a lot.