anyone else have a dp who is crap at talking?

[eslteacher]

DP and I have been together four years. He is crap at talking. He has always been a strong, silent type (which is quite attractive!) and is loving and generous in his actions. But when it comes to talking he is rubbish.

Or should I say, when it comes to talking about things that don't directly relate to him or his interests, he is rubbish. If he has a problem, I talk it through with him, ask questions etc and he responds at length, he seems to like the support. If I have a problem, he mostly just says 'I'm sorry' and then changes the subject or goes silent...or if I want to talk about something funny that happened in my day, I'm lucky to get a one line response. I feel like I'm talking to myself.

Anything that's a shared experience or a general discussion about a general subject, we can talk about together no problem. It feels normal.

Sometimes I get in from a day trip with friends or a special event, and he doesn't even ask me about it. Just kisses me, MAYBE asks generically if I had a nice time, then shows no further interest in any specifics and starts to tell me about his day.

He says he is just not a talker and finds it hard to think of things to say to make me feel better or to generate discussion generally. Like his mind goes blank. That its not that he doesnt care or isnt interested, its just a social flaw in him. So far I have accepted this as part of who he is. But last night I was really upset after getting off the phone with my mum (grandparent issues) and when I explained to him what was happening and how shit and worried I felt, he literally said nothing and then after a few seconds said 'is there anything good on TV?'

I pointed out I would appreciate an attempt from him to make me feel better, to which he said in a monotone voice 'well I'm sorry', then went back to silent. At which point I went to bed.

I am sure that when I get home from work today he will have bought me flowers. And be extra nice to me. But that doesn't help me in feeling less shit about my family problems or give me any feeling of practical support. I am sick of not being able to discuss my stuff with him - and its not like I have a drama laden life or am a huge chatterbox myself. I don't think I'm a generally needy person.

I am now starting to doubt his reassurances that his silence isn't about lack of interest or caring. Last night felt so hurtful, I think he just really isn't very interested in my family problems and doesn't care enough about how I feel to attempt to rustle up a semblance of support.

This has got long, sorry. Does anyone else have a DP like this? Any words of advice? Everything else in our relationship is great, he is a kind, gentle man but this issue is starting to get to me.

How was up or relationship in the early days? Did he show interest in you?

I could be married to your DH... No masses of advice I'm afraid..

I always feel really uncomfortable trying to talk to him about anything serious as its sooooo difficult - pulling teeth springs to mind.

If I REALLY need to have the conversation I'll wait till the kids are in bed, then switch off the telly and make him talk to me... If I leave the telly on I can see him drift off.

With regards to him asking me about my day, I've given up being bothered. It does get on my tits tho when he forgets I've told him things (or he simply wasn't listening) but it does mean if I have forgotten to tell him something I can just say 'I've told you' and he'll usually apologise for forgetting

Hmm, life, I think on early dates then yes probably because he was in wooing mode. But he has never been very inquisitive about, for example, details of my life before I met him. Thing is, I don't particularly like talking about myself and am more naturally inquisitive about others, so it didn't really start to be an issue until I realised that even when I was really upset about something or excited about something he STILL would hardly ask me about it!

Flipping - do you think your DH being like that shows that he is somehow selfish in not caring about you enough to pay attention or make an effort to engage? Or do you think it just means he has some sort of deep blockage when it comes to this stuff but it doesnt mean he cares any less about you? This is the question Im struggling with at the moment...

I think it's a blockage somewhere and I have suggested he get council long, but you'd think I'd just suggested amputation by the way he reacted.

Mine, like yours will come home with flowers or chocolates if he realised he's upset me, so I don't think it's that he doesn't care. I think it's because he's not that way inclined, he presumes others aren't. Plus he's never been able to empathise which is why he struggles. I have thought on occasions maybe he had a v mild case of autisum as he's also v shy with new people and won't look at them when talking.

I'm not surprised you feel as you do. Most people are capable of conveying sympathy even if they don't know the right thing to say or do. Very few people would, for example, be say "what's on the TV?" when told someone had just lost someone close to them.

However, some people are just shit at empathy or freeze up when emotional reactions are expected of them. It doesn't make them uncaring as much as socially inept. If you think that's what's going on here then you have an opportunity to improve things.

People like your DH like to know what's expected of them and can follow a plan. You could try spelling it out what sort of reaction you'd like, but you'd need to be specific: e.g. instead of "I want you to be supportive", say "I want a hug, followed by a 'would you like to talk about it? I can't promise to say anything to make you feel better but I'm happy to listen,' followed by your undivided attention for the next 30 minutes and finally another hug."

It may feel a little insincere and TBH I'd find it impossible to have a meaningful relationship with someone who wasn't emotionally articulate, but he will get better with practise and for the two of you that may be enough.

Hope whatever it was that prompted all this is getting better.

I know you posted this a while ago but I completely get where you are coming from.

I am at the moment split up from my BF, for a week so far and that is I would say the main reason I just wasn't happy anymore. NO COMMUNICATION!!! I am a bit of a talker and also a very sociable person. When I met him I had to practically drag him to events with me as he finds it very hard to speak to new people or even look them in the eye. I find this so frustrating. I have managed to bring him out of himself somewhat and he now looks forward to sociable things and makes friends etc but still goes back into his shell.

I have the same problems as you, with him being unsupportive conversation wise but would get me flowers or ask me if he can do anything for me if he thought I was upset.

He wants to work at our relationship but im not sure as this will always be a problem as far as I'm concerned. its so hard and makes you feel like the strong one.

Flippingebay - I do the same as you and use it to my advantage too sometimes, he wont remember what I said anyway lol

Thanks for the replies everyone.

I spent four days feeling hurt and cold-shouldering him whilst he was predictably extra-nice to me whilst failing to directly address the real issue. Then I got sick of it all, and told him calmly in bed one night that I still felt angry and upset with him for his response the other day, and we had a pretty good conversation about it. He claims that by asking if there was anything good we could watch on TV, he was trying to help me by taking my mind off my family problems. When he said this, I actually couldn't stop laughing, because that being his reasoning had never even crossed my mind! But he insists that was his thought process, and he started to look genuinely hurt by my hysterical reaction to that. He also told me that he had taken from previous relationships that people (read women) didn't want him to try to give solutions to their problems, they just wanted him to listen and that was what he now tried to do in our relationship. I explained that listening was great, but I often ended up feeling that he WASN'T listening, that I was just talking to myself and he was waiting for me to shut up. He seemed genuinely surprised that I felt like that and told me he was never bored or uninterested in what I say, it's just that things to say in response don't always occur to him.

Anyway this conversation went on for ages, and it definitely cleared the air. The thing is he CAN talk about our relationship and about pretty much anything, it's just when it comes to MY stuff, ie stuff that doesn't relate to him that I find him lacking on the discussion front! I think that, as some people suggested above, it's essentially a problem of empathy and particularly showing an emotional reaction to someone else's pain. He accepts that he has problems in this area, but was really taken aback by my suggestion that it's because he is in some ways selfish and uninterested by things that don't directly concern him.

What I have taken from this conversation is that he is who he is, and I have to either accept that and be very on-the-level with him about when I need extra emotional support and what form I need that to take (much like Dahlen said above) or I have to decide that I can't live my life like that and end the relationship. I definitely don't feel like I am ready for the second option - he is in so many ways caring and loving, which again showed itself in the conversation we had.

It's just that in the back of the head I am still worried that one day something awful will happen in my life, e.g. a parent dying, and his failure to give me the emotional support I need without me giving step by step instructions might really blow up into a huge issue...