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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Aibu, have asked DH to move out

17 replies

germinal · 05/09/2013 04:45

Married 7 yrs, 3 dc (incl 3mth baby). Since birth of DC3 DH has been irritable in the evenings, it drives me wild! He sits around with the hood of his jumper up, like he is about to rob a liquor store. He sighs loudly every three minutes until DC are in bed and then yells at tv until I eventually go to bed. It is exhausting. I have tried everything and suggested the GP, CBT, holiday on his own, etc etc.

Tonight he was unbearable and I asked about a computer program that delivers CBT that I bought him. He replied "f*k off, c*t". Angry

I have now Told him (via text bc I am sick of the same argument) that I want him to move out. Now I am terrified he will, or, worse, he won't and nothing changes. WIBU? I just don't want to accept that treatment. I also don't want to divorce bc I love him Sad

Help!!!

OP posts:
Longdistance · 05/09/2013 05:03

Yanbu.

I think your dh needs help. Was he always like this, or just on arrival of dc3? Sounds very odd indeed.

I don't get the sitting around wearing a hoodie around the house, like he's hiding something.

evelynj · 05/09/2013 05:05

Bless you, that's awful.

The situation needs to change. Am sure someone willb here with wiser words but if he does or doesn't move out you need to ask him what he wants to change & how he thinks things can improve.

We have 8 week old & it's exhausting all the extra stuff that needs done for a baby. I'm a sahm so dh doesn't 'do' as much. Ifindit immensely irritating watching him play on his phone every nights while I run round like a blue arsedfly cleaning & prepping for next day. I think he thinks he's doing plenty by feeding & changing baby as it's extra to what he's done before.

Is it possible your dh feels like this? He probably thinks you're really nagging about cbt etc if he doesn't want to do it.

Btw, what is he shouting at tv for? Any other stresses? Doe he work?

Whatever the issues, U think he spoke to you in an unacceptable wY & you need so,e space. Good luck

Original poster
germinal · 05/09/2013 06:13

He works part time, studies part time. He suffers from chronic fatigue and has always been a bit introspective/anxious. Never this bad and always (till now) outweighed by good temper/ humour/ kindness. This is unbearable though. I wonder about depression but he is only really bad after 4pm and, in any event refuses to see GP. The hoodies are driving me wild!! He is 37!! I feel like taking scissors to them...

I feel like he will leave rather than address the issues, which makes me so sad Sad. I think he thinks, "I can just get a two bedroom place around the corner and see everybody when I feel up to it" He has kind of said as much Hmm His next suggestion is his own tv. Again Hmm

OP posts:
Original poster
germinal · 05/09/2013 06:14

Own tv so he can sit in his office and emerge when he feels sociable. FFS. That is maddening isn't it? Or am I being too demanding?

OP posts:
CailinDana · 05/09/2013 08:02

Would you expect him to tolerate the same behaviour from you?

Viking1 · 05/09/2013 08:14

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Bogeyface · 05/09/2013 08:15

Does he drink? Could it be that he is drinking more than you think? Or could he be hounding you to bed to so he can smoke dope? Both of those things could lead to an increase in the behaviour you describe.

I do think that asking him to leave while he sorts himself out would be a good idea. While he is curled up in his man cave with his own TV etc then he has no reason to sort this out does he? He will just get further and further away from you and his children emotionally which will be increasingly damaging for you and them.

Bluetopazsparkle · 05/09/2013 10:45

If he is worse as the day goes on he could be suffering from "sundowners", mainly in people with dementia but can affect depressed people too. Or seasonal affective disorder (SAD). Just a thought. Or maybe hes just a grumpy, narcissitic ass?!
He definitely needs to talk to someone as its not healthy for you or the children. Hope you get some peace.

Bluetopazsparkle · 05/09/2013 10:48

Meant to say, my oh was similar and would shut himself away. He frequently used the C word! Hes now living in a 2 bed a short drive away. My house is now peaceful and even my children who are still young notice a difference.

Lweji · 05/09/2013 11:25

Hopefully, this will shock him into seeking proper help.

If not, at least you'll have a more peaceful home and life.

He is not your responsibility.

giantpurplepeopleeater · 05/09/2013 11:27

Germinal, you're not asking too much at all.

He needs to see what impact all this is happening and do something to address it in order to stay together.

You've done the right thing. Whichever choice he chooses - do something about it or leave - HE has made that choice, and you can do nothing about it. But you WILL be better off for it in the long run.

meditrina · 05/09/2013 11:35

Now that you've told him you want him to go, then you have to think hard about what you want to happen next.

If you let him stay, before he recommitted and begun to make the necessary changes, you are setting yourself up for even more intractable difficulties.

Perhaps time apart will give you the time/space to think about whether you really do want him in your future at all. If you decide there is something salvageable here, what does he need to do? Good intentions and 'trying' to change don't really cut it. An initial visit to the GP, to see if there are medical issues which can be tackled seems the bare minimum.

And no, what he is doing is not fair. Yes, he could be overwhelmed with the new addition - as might you be - but this excuses neither opting out nor the plain rudeness you've been putting up with.

hellsbellsmelons · 05/09/2013 16:15

Does he smoke weed?
Just wondering if that might be a factor.
If not then leaving may be just what you both need for a bit of breathing space.
What do you love about him now?
What does he do for you?

What does he do for the kids?

Fairenuff · 05/09/2013 20:28

I was thinking along the lines of drugs too.

However, OP, he doesn't seem to be giving you any choice. If he won't seek help from his gp or discuss his concerns with you, then it probably is best that he moves out until he decides to take responsibility for his own actions.

RhondaJean · 05/09/2013 20:32

No excuses for his behaviour but re the hood...

My DH suffers on and off with depression and I can tell when he is abd because he will sit in the house with his hood up or his hat on. It's like trying to create a little cave to hide in.

He still manages to not be a twat (most of the time) though.

ImperialBlether · 05/09/2013 20:39

Sounds like weed to me, too.

You can't have SAD in the summertime!

solarbright · 05/09/2013 20:47

If you divorce he will not be able to just pop over whenever he likes. You will have a schedule of when you or he has the children, and if things aren't amicable, that will be imposed by a court. You may choose to have little or no contact with him. You may choose not to let him into your home, but do drop off/pick up of kids on doorsteps or neutral ground. You will no doubt meet someone new eventually, who may move in with you...

If he honestly thinks he can both move out to a flat and maintain family life... he's quite deluded.

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