Dh feeling miffed because he doesn't have a 'goal' in life atm ......

[Northerner]

He is 36 and a very good Chef. He used to work very long hours in fantastic restaurants as a head chef, then ds came along and we both decided that the catering industry is not good when you have kids, so he took a job in our local hospital (still as a chef manager) but he works 8am-5pm, still works weekends though but these are fab hours compared to what we are used to. The money whilst OK, is not amazing, we're not in debt or anything but it would be nice to be able to book a holiday/buy a new car and not worry about the cost.

Dh is 36 and feels that he should have a goal, like setting up our own business, doing something extra to make money etc and this is all he wants to talk about. I am not one of these 'go getting' people and have no imagination and feel like he is simply plucking things out of thin air. He thinks I am not being encouraging enough, but part of me thinks don't bloody talk about it - just do it.

I don't know what I can do to help him/point him in the right direction.

Think he may be having a slight midlife

How about a degree or further qualification?
My dh was a little like this at 35 and did an MSc which has taken him into a completely diferent scene.

Getting fit?

DIY?

Volunteering?

How about a degree or further qualification? He has a degree in leisure studies and never put it to use.

Getting fit? Already very fit. Plays football, golf and squash and goes cycling and running. Excercises every day.

DIY? Never - he's crap at it.

Volunteering? - He'd never work for free. He wants more money for us.

I have felt like that about my DH but finally he is getting round to his own busniess which is just as well as i am going beck to work and he is going to stay at home. i must admit i have also felt like these as well i am the same age as your dh so maybe midlife in deed. following another thread are you in aberdeen? as there is a careers place in aberdeen and one in dundee that you can go for free advice

lololol @ don't talk about it just do it. I think that all the time about loads of stuff people I love moan about. I don't think there is much you can do except make vaguely encouraging noises when required, is there? If he wants a goal he needs to decide on it and do it.

another child??

nicknack - no I'm in Yorkshire. There must be career type places here though so I'll check that out.

Karatechop - at least you know what I mean! I do make encouraging type noises but apparantly they are not 'encouraging' enough.

JohnCusacksMouthMasseur (are you a name changer?) - that is def not his goal I'm afraid

Do you think he might want something that you can do together? Setting up a business where he can do the mainstay but you are also involved? I sense that although you want to help him you rather see his work as his thing (although forgive me if I am wrong its tricky just reading info!). Do you work as well, or are you sahm? I sometimes think that the work/man sahm/woman can become a bit divisive leaving you having less in common/less life shared.
How about starting a conversation using all you empathic skills- “I know you’ve been thinking about not having a goal – could you try and explain what you mean”. Then try responding to what eh says by reflecting back what he has stated and asking open questions (what where why). Make the conversation all about him (you can figure out where you fit in later) and it might help him gain some insight- if nothing else he’ll feel made up by how much you care.

Northerner,maybe it's not so much about him wanting a goal.
Perhas he is irritated by you and your lack of oomph?????

My DH is also a chef. He gave up the restraunt industry before DS was born as well. Went into contract catering. He got a lucky break(didnt seem like it at the time though) to overtake the contract for the catering service for the sports and leisure centre he was working at.
He was a bit down for a while because he missed the cameraderie and creativity of large kitchens. I helped him find out info about local organisation called the 'food club' ( though a buisness link wbesite) basically a networking club for food manufacturers. He loves it.There always potential new oppurtuinites coming up for businesses etc. Maybe your Dh might be interested in consultancy, ( advising restraunts and cafes on start ups.) there is also a 'chef forum ' website he might be able to post on to get some ideas. will try and find some links for you.

seems to me like he just needs to talk through ideas, bounce them around, see if they're feasible. he wants to talk them through to get your take on them. a really good thing to do before you launch into anything that might cost money. it sounds like he had this fantastic career, lots of adrenalin, glamorous, creative and in control and he's taken a bit of a step down. he must be missing his old life and wants to try and recapture a bit of what he had and make some more money.

cori had some good ideas. what about encouraging him to start a catering business or somehow utilising his talent a bit more. he's already got a fantastic skill, surely there must be some way he can use it.

i can understand that you aren't a go getter, but you could try just asking questions and listening. i wouldn't treat every idea as though that's going to be what he's deciding on, he just needs you as a sounding board.

sorry, rambling a bit.

Thanks guys. Maybe you are right, maybe he is irritated by my lack of enthusiasm.

Cori - your advice is fab. If you could find some of those links that would be fab. Sounds just up dh's street.

Ok , here is the chef forum website. \link{http://forums.chef2chef.net\here}
will find more later and get back to you