feel sidelined to partners kids, make or break? advice appreciated

[umma]

So I feel like I'm at a cross roads and I don't know if I should call it a day or work on this relationship.

I've been with partner a few years, he has children, so do I. We do not live together.

The problem is that he is a different person when he is with his kids (and we are all together). I feel like I am sidelined....in all honestly I am :( we have a great relationship normally, but when he is with them he actually stops communicating with me, walks 10 paces in front. I feel left out. Its like he can't be a loving partner AND a Dad?! I find it a struggle. Even affection stops, little hugs or kisses.

We went on holiday and I was lonely (!) and I could see myself seeking stimulation and had more company from my 5 year old. That's not right is it?

Before anyone thinks I have my priorities wrong, I really don't. I know Kids come first, I adore mine and have put him before anyone. I just wish that we could stand as a couple in all situations.

We have discussed it, he said he 'goes into dad mode' so at least does have some appreciation of how it is. I'm not sure I can settle for this. and need to get the balance right, but how?

I hope this makes sense.

yes kids do come first, however, you should not feel lonely on holiday or any other time. He may be aware of it, unlikely to change though in my personal experience of dad's and children. Don't "settle". Be happy. x

He doesn't want to be part of a family with you, in fact it sounds like he just doesn't want you in the picture when his kids are there.
So what would you say your purpose is in his life?

I think if you want something more, you should ditch him.

I am a mum in a newish relationship. I will sometimes put him off coming over (we don't live together) because I want to spend quality time with my DC. No way in a million years would I behave like your DP though. That's incredibly rude, disrespectful and hurtful.

Personally, I think it's healthy for children to grow up seeing their parents in healthy, loving relationships where affection is expressed openly and support given mutually. Even in blended families where the parents aren't necessarily the biological ones it should be the case that the family pull together as a team and no-one, not even children, should be in a position where they have demi-god status to the detriment of another. Children's needs come before adult wants but that's as far as it goes.

I think your DP is either not ready for a relationship with you (sorry ) or has skewed priorities that could actually damage his children's perception of themselves and adult relationships.

Time for a frank talk and an ultimatum I think (but be prepared to carry it through if you don't get the result you want).

If he's being protective of letting his kids get too involved it means he does not see you as a permanent thing. Otherwise, are you sure you are not backing off yourself a bit? I would of thought it would be hard for him to maintain a 10 pace lead with children unless you are hanging back for some reason? It does take some drive and enthusiasm to work your way into the clique that will have built up over time, but that's to be expected I would say.

I am going to make a fairly brazen statement -

Kids don't come first! but the 'we' puts them first. By that I mean an adult relationship pulls resources to put the kids first. resources means emotions, finances, time, etc etc . But the 'we' has to be strong enough to be unselfish and giving and thus put the kids first.

It's like in a healthy relationship you make your partner a priority and they make you their priority thus no one ever feels like they are giving/getting less.

The world of long spoons. if you try to feed yourself you starve, but if you feed each other you flourish.

I fear it is guilt of one form or another. He is unconsciously pulling away from you perhaps indicating his feeling or fear that by placing you in the inner circle his children will see him as betraying their mother.

So go back to the drawing board and work on the 'WE' then you will find that decision making, playtime etc will become a selfless we affair.

But if the 'we' is not strong enough, then you should not be introducing children into it.

ex post with Dahlen - prefer her uncluttered version.

Yes, totally understand how you feel. I had this with XP who had kids every weekend. The pecking order was his kids, his parents then me. Notice that I referred to him as XP. Best thing I ever did...

Thanks for responses, they are all helpful.

We need to talk, that is obvious. He says he wants me, and I'm sure he would be devastated if I ended it, but he just switches off. To be honest I think he doesn't cope well with being a dad AND a partner to me...I don't know why this is.

Perhaps lack of confidence.

I dunno, I'm just Me, whether I'm around my son or not! (I mean within reason, time and a place for everything) Maybe because they don't live with him, that when they are there its very much his time with them. And I get that...I love time alone with mine.

but looking towards the future...how can it work??

What a mess :(

BTW i'm making him sound awful, I know, he has soooo many good points and I would miss him like crazy. Its just something has to change.

I think if you go onto the step-parenting boards, you will see a lot of posts like this, where Dads go into Disney Dad mode.

It is never easy balancing the needs of all the different parties involved in blended families

How long have you been together?
How long has he been divorced / separated
How old are the kids
Also does he get time alone with them when you are not around?

I'm a stepmum, but we live in a different country to DPs step children so we do not see them very often, a couple of times a year. When they were over this summer i just let DP go off and do things with them, so they could have quality time together.
Also DP and I have a 3 year old, so we did have lots of family outings too, but it has taken 5 years of some fraught visits, and lots of working on the "We" as mentioned up thread, when the DSCs are not around.

Don't be all or nothing about it, perhaps just a bit of stepping back would be in order for a bit when the your stepkids are around.
And also, don;t forget, Men compartmentalise their life, he may not be consciously excluding you, it could be the way his brain is wired.

Oh I am backing off :(

If I'm really, really honest his children are difficult to get close too, the opposite to mine, which he has a brilliant relationship with. I get VERY little from his, that's just how they are, totally different to mine. But that's ok, I have very little expectations, kids are kids and they are all different!

But I wonder if he finds this hard? And this is what makes him act like this?

I need to tell him what I need, otherwise no future. You are all right. Ultimatum time

Thank you x

He has been divorced 7 years

He gets lots of time with them (without me), during the week, and every other weekend. They are 8 and 9.

We don't live together, so we are not in each others pockets. When we all come together for days out or holiday (1st one this year) then its because we choose too. And we have had some really nice times.

Umma, I could have written your post (4 years ago).
I believe the reason I got so little attention, respect, acknowledgment from stepkids is that they saw dh ignoring me when they were around. Made sense from their pov, too. It was hurtful and I cried a lot.
In couple counseling dh even admitted he hurt me so as to appease his guilt from divorce (was not ow!) towards his children. I never did that, like you, I was the same person with ds and without him when he was at his dads. I couldnt believe dh capable of being so mean spirited and was ready to walk.
It has been very hard and tbh I've not forgiven or forgotten yet... Dh is now making huge efforts to make up for past abuse (there is really no other word for this) and I feel my detachment from dsc is going to last a while longer (probably still emotionally scarred by both parents acting like complete jerks and wanting to be their BFFs, so I should be more understanding). But I'm only human and know its going to be a while until all my wounds have healed.
Only go ahead with a relationship with this man if you feel strong enough to deal with a shitload of pain and regret on a daily basis your love is reciprocated in full and then some! Good luck

thanks for your story Emptychairs, it has been a hard couple of weeks.

We spoke last night, I told him why his behaviour is hurtful and something I'm not prepared to put up with. He apologised, said it was not something he was conscious of doing but could see my point and agreed he had to stop it and will work on it.

So I shall see what happens...I am prepared to walk if it continues. I hope it doesn't as we could have a really happy future together.

x

BTW how do I move this to the Step parenting?

Hi, split from my lads dad 10 years ago as controlling narsist, was bad at the time (trying to break in house to see son at 11 oclock at night) (throwing son to floor as saying not his when I got boyfriend etc) but we eventually were able to have normal conversations about our child, when my son got mobile our communication stopped completely. Tried to have conversation with him to keep me in loop as teenager (1) shouldn't have responsibility of arranging timing etc and (2) harder to co parent when you don't get the information and he just turns up.(have court order for visits etc in place) MAIN ISSUE picked up our son from school and without telling my son or me got married over weekend to girlfriend met in covid times. (Engages early as control mec, girl loses friends etc) this one had baby with him in covid too. MY SON came home upset as only wanted photos of wife, groom(dad) and new baby didn't want him in them. His aunt(dads sis) took son to macdees but I don't know how to resolve this, I feel he is cutting my son out and I don't want him to have any of problems I've had with him. My son is amazing well rounded boy and it hurts me to the core that he is getting emotionally hurt by his dad. Taken day off as strike day and to give my son support but I don't know if need to find counselling for him.