Long & difficult back story which would take forever to type, but in short, I live away from home & I've had a very difficult relationship with my DM for a lot of years now, though have previously always had a great relationship with her, even though I was very definitely not her favourite
- DB has always been her blue eyed boy who could do no wrong in her eyes - though in reality I suspect she didn't really know him at all, he has a very entitled attitude & gladly took theirvmoney often large amounts to pay his bills & help from them despite him working etc - he openly admitted to feeling that this was him doing DM a favour as she liked to feel needed - as a result he's had a difficult relationship with our DF who previously saw through him.
My DM has also been pretty toxic especially since I met my DH & had my DD too, long stretches where I & my DD are excommunicated from the family because I don't say the right thing, sometimes I didn't even know why & in between where she is lovely if over generous to DD - she did also have serious health problems that I believe affected her state of mind - I believe she was bipolar as a symptom of multiple sclerosis - She was also a poorly controlled diabetic which of course causes mood swings too - though she would use food for self harm at times - The mental health part of her illness was always swept under the carpet with an old-fashioned attitude mental health I think it's never to be spoken about or raised with the GP -
But that aside she was no angel, Believed that I as a daughter should be there as a counsellor for her, "That's what daughters are for" Be that as a sounding board for continually slating my DF, Talking to her out of committing suicide in the middle of the night, or her health worries a lot of which were fabricated - Though with hindsight I now know that she would have had symptoms that she misinterpreted as more serious & dangerous problems, But she would not listen to the idea that they may be less serious and actually gallbladder related not heart related, which turned out to be the truth.:(
In the months prior to her taking ill & being hospitalised with a killer infection my DM Appeared not to be speaking to me again - I was called her bedside having been told by the hospital that she was not expected to make 24 hours - Against all odds she survived that infection and got better, During that time both myself and DD what at her bedside almost continuously, This caused friction with my DF As I realised mum was not getting the best care and I argued and asked for more for her in terms of help etc etc My DF also saw this but his way was to not make a fuss or it would make things worse for mum, Thankfully he came round in the end and saw it my way too, But not before a few traumatic incidents where for example he threw me and DD out with nowhere to go late at, thankfully we found a B&B, but I could have well done without the added stress.
During mums time in hospital bout dad and brother Made a big deal out of how often and how long they spent at the hospital with mum - I'm not criticising as I understand it is because they couldn't cope with seeing her in such a bad way, But though they told people and kept telling people they were spending a lot of time at her bedside In reality this was not true, Though I understand it is because they couldn't cope, Who can in situations like that, But you have to Just get on with it do for the sake of those in need, Brother in particular was bad you be lucky if he spent 45 minutes with her 5/7 days a week As he was too busy with work, Even though work have given him time off.
I'm rambling I don't know quite how to word this correctly and get enough details in without writing a complete novel.
DB hadnt spoken to me for several years at the time of Mum being in hospital, In the circumstances I put that aside, he is still my little brother & I also understood he would be hurting greatly and losing our mum - He also acted like nothing had happened, Later explaining that he was under a great deal of stress And that DM gave him a lot of earache If she thought he was speaking to me when she wasn't And that he had never fallen out with me, That was just being weak And couldn't cope with added stress so ignored the situation, Meaning he also ignored me and DD
Lots of he said, she said, round and round circles so I didn't even know what was the truth any more, but was led to believe my mum didn't like me very much At all, Though in reality thanks to her health problems much of the time she didn't like anyone at all bar my brother, So I learned not to take that personally, Though both my father and brother especially always seemed keen to let me know.
During my time at the hospital with mum I made my peace with her, When she was awake and compass mentis, She really understood what I had been doing for her how much effort both DD and I had put in, She understood I was fighting her corner and not just making a fuss the sake of it with the hospital. I previously had a decent relationship with my dad, but I did notice that even he seemed to be competing for who could Be seen to do the most for mum in hospital, not working together each looking for Accolade, I put that down to him feeling guilt at how little time he was really spending there I didn't think too much of it though it did make circumstances even more difficult than they need to be.
Longest story short, My mum got better & then died of a second hospital-acquired infection.
I Promised her I would look out for my dad and my brother as she was worried about them coping alone, I think in reality my way of coping with my own grief was to throw myself into doing as much as I possibly can put other people, My brother lived like one of these people you see on TV, his flat was piled high under clothes, filthy dirty and he lived in Little Corner By his computer smoking himself senseless.
I have gone out of my way to be a major support to both brother and dad, Dragging myself & DD the full the length of the country several times, despite us both having health problems & it making me very ill. I have Scrub that my brothers flat clean I have organised him I have got him to see the sense of having his tomcats neutered, I even spent the birthday money I was given from my mother and father On my brother for his birthday because I knew the first birthday without mum was going to be really really hard on him -?she died a week before his birthday - I even told him to do his laundry At nearly 50 years old he didn't know how.
Basically I have been a complete mug, put my own health second and tried to do everything I could to help them, My dad didn't even know how to eat to manage his own diabetes because my mum organise everything For them, I have been in contact via phone and text almost every day and spent large part of the summer holidays & months before away from home & DH
I did all of this because I worried for my brother I worried for my dad and most of all because I promised our mum And also I think in part because that was how grief hit me & I needed to be busy.
I've probably given way too much of a back story, Though I could go on and on and on .
What has now happened has left me reeling, I now question everything that happened with my mum as to where the source of her upset with me really lay.
I now have exactly the same situation with my father that I had with my mum - my brother is poisoning him against me.
There was a disagreement over how my mums ashes would be dealt with, Initially my dad asking me to take care of the second part of the service to take her ashes back to where she had wanted her final resting place to be, I was in the throes of organising this And I was speaking to other family members and my dad at all times as its a family plot in yet another part of the country - All through this my dad was happy to go with my mum's last wishes insisting everything had to be done properly because that's the way she wants it done, Mum was very religious, Dad is an atheist.
Suddenly he about turned, Tell me if he wanted none of it it was a personal matter between him and mum And he would deal with her ashes Himself, Told me I had organised a second funeral for 7 September, I was lost as to what this was about as no date was planned and it certainly was no second funeral just proper internment with a blessing As agreed by my father in the beginning. We couldn't discuss this without getting upset so I agreed to leave it hoping that once he calmed down he would see sense again.
Two weeks later I got a series of quite a goading text stating that " is done" - not sure if he buried mums ashes on my Nanas grave himself as he said he would at one point, or scattered her ashes there as he had also said he would do - he suddenly wanted it all done immediately, just as he had got rid of pretty much every trace of her out of the house - I was understanding of the fact this is done out of grief, Also felt we were all letting my mum down by not completing her dying wishes.
I was so upset I posted a very cryptic message on Facebook, No one but those immediately involved would have a clue what it meant - My dad isn't on my Facebook and could not see what I write because my profile is very tightly locked down. My brother however is on Facebook And within five minutes of my posting my dad contacted me complaining I was slagging him off on Facebook not true- his name was not mentioned & I slagged no one off just expressed my Own grief As regards trying hard to support the living whilst honouring the dead & different belief systems colliding.
I knew for certain that it could be no one other than my brother who had contacted DF And lied about what I had written, So I contacted him directly telling him I knew not asking if it was him, I asked why I told him I did not understand why he would do this and risk hurting our dad so badly at a time he needed our support.
The Venom in my brother replied with left me reeling to say the least, I have been called everything from benefit scrounger who fakes illness and fakes illness my daughter So I can claim more money - I have never claimed benefits in my life
to my disgustingly bad parenting skills it's become obvious now that he has & always has had a major issue with me & several recent " jokes" to dad about my huge wealth 
my lying about when DD was back at school etc - DB even went on DDs school website & showed it to DF to prove me to be a liar - school website was out of date - were still him trying to stir things up for me - several issues I've had with Dad, including the night he threw us out, come back to things DB threw at me in his verbal attack, & it now looks obvious that he has been whispering & back biting & manipulating DF just as he did with DM & DF has now said he wants nothing more to do with me or DD :( - DB is an accomplished liar & manipulator, who is financially unable to manage himself & has a drug habit.
Anyway, as you can imagine I am all over the place, I'm pretty sure my DBs motives are financial - it was always common knowledge that if Dad went first, mum intended to leave everything they own to DB - she often told me that, sometimes out of spite, sometimes out of worry for DB & her believing he needed it more than me - DB shocked me recently by getting the details of their mortgage payments as I was worried if dad could cope financially - thankfully he can, but DB went on to tell me the exact equity in the property - Something that hadn't even crossed my mind, But it had my brother.
At present neither is speaking to us & tbh I doubt I will ever speak to my toxic brother ever again, he is a manipulative, sexist egotistical biggot with an agenda & I Feel totally disgusted by him and now realise he was very likely at the heart of the problems I had with mum too. :(
But I worry for my dad, I have been his main support system for the last few months, My brother does little because he is supposedly too busy with work. Which is really not true more an excuse. I don't live close to them so I don't want to cause a rift between my brother and father, Because I understand they do need each other, But I don't like my brother's agenda, I also don't see a way That I can get my dad to understand I didn't do anything wrong & I did not do what he accuses me of, without showing my brother up for what he has now shown himself to be.
Aaaaaaarrrrggghhhh
Please excuse weird typos, Grammar and spellings that I have missed - Using voice software due to bad arm and neck Ha ha don't you just love stress
Any advice gratefully received I am at a loss to find a way forward with this, Thank you and I do apologise for the waffle I suppose I needed to get it out thank you