Feeling hopeless and trapped.

[ohgodwhattodo]

Had to NC. Not sure what way forward there is.
Married a lovely wonderful man, amazing Father etc but shy and useless at dealing with any confrontational problems. This wouldnt actually be a problem except that we have had some exceptional problems in the past few years which have required -confrontation.

For instance, massive problem neighbours/lodgers, loud parties, blocking drive, etc its ME who has always, always always over the years had to go out and face up to any manner of un desirable, by that I mean people whom the police come and raid for stabbings etc. He has just let me deal with it. Any problems with any company, charge us too much, mess us around, its ME who has to sort it out.

My heart sinks now when something goes wrong as its me who has to find the energy and fight to sort it out.

The biggest problem though comes from his parents. I can honestly say If i knew back then, 9 years ago what I know now I think I would have walked away from him.

The biggest problem is - HE cannot manage them.

He had massive problems with them when I first met him. They are cold and rigid and very very dissaproving of anyone who is not rich in high powered job., they are the most materialistic people I have ever met in my life and they are obsessed with things being new and clean and precise.

They colluded to get my DH out the house when DD was born so MIL could tell me for two hours, what she thought of me, and how I was dragging DH down, I had also had a close family loss just before the birth.

This sent me into a tail spin, then she was mad on the baby, had to see the baby, couldnt have me in her house, then she could and ever since its been a nightmare.I absoliuty refuse to go to their house. over the years we have invited them to the baptism, MIL ignired me, Sil ignored me, FIl made overtures but very fake! They do not liek their DS, my DH, they do not like me. Yet they are mad on the DC.

Last xmas we had no less than TWENTY communications from them to get my DH to go over there for xmas. he had told them he would be going TWICE, once for a meal and once casually. it wasnt good enough. they came and knockec on the door, bombarded him with texts and emails, you must come this day when are you coming.

It ruined xmas. They have ruined nearly every event they have been invited too, of course we dont invite them now, but they ruined the birth of my first DD, her baptism, our wedding and so on.

The FIL comes round.

I have over the years, tried to deal with it in so many ways, and I just dont know what to do. Buts its my DH thats the problem, he doesn't get or understand it. We have been advised by counsellor - to put boundaries up. So we do, but then DH forgets, and they think they can bully him again. then we go round in circles.

We are trapped by money to move, and DH is the sort who cannot sort out any problems. we dont have any money so thats it bascially.

he has brought a course to do and its nearly a year and he has not started it because he says he doesnt have the time. ( his job is 9 - 5.30) he has plenty of time, he chooses not to do course.

I cant see a way forward, we have a baby now, so i am stuck and trapped once again, and having the threat of this man who is like the Terminator turning up at my door, with every pore of his being showing he dislikes me and my DH, but speaking slippery and fake words to try and get us to do his bidding.

how much longer does it go on for?

I would love someone to chat to, a counsellor but I simply cannot afford it.

My dh said the other day I am stressed and dont handle problems well. I tried to point out to him, that its ME who has to handle all the problems as he does NOTHING. I am a different person, I used to be good fun, make friends easily, and now I am just miserable, on edge, stressed etc waiting for the next communication from the PILS...

My DH is keen to still accept money off them even though he knows they use it to control him, its so frustrating.

If I could afford to walk away from my DH and leave HIS family problems behind me, I think I would.

Oh love you sound like you've reached the end of your tether. Advice like 'make him do it' won't work here as if being passive is so ingrained as it is in your DH, it just won't get done will it.

I'm not sure what counselling will do to help either. While it may help you come to terms with how things are, or find ways of dealing with it internally, its not going to change the outer reality that your PILs are unpleasant and your DH is incapable of standing up to them.

You also can't change your DH and make him do his course or change the way that he deals with his family. It's likely that he'll always deal with things passively, unless he makes an active decision to get help, like CBT to change how he manages his life. Its not likely that he'd do that though by the sounds of it.

How do you feel about your DH? Is this flaw (and its quite a big one) beginning to outweigh his positives, or are they something you'd be happy to live with if you sorted out the IL problem?

Could you consider moving areas completely? i.e. If you live in the south east, look for work in the north west?

TBH I think he would be open for counselling, he had it in the past when I first met him, when he had issues due to his parents.

HOwever its cost. Its so expensive we cannot afford it.

I have read many times on here about passive useless dh's and being brain washed into submission etc, and the postives here are that my DH does recognise their problems, he knows very well the issues. thats one good thing, however, as its his reality, and he still deep down wants to please, he has problems falling back into the totally submissve role. for instance, we do not take our shoes off here. unless its been raining heavily and we have been for long walk. his DP are VERY fussy about things like that. if his DF comes to our house and takes his shoes off, DH will like a zombie also take his off, in his own home!

I would feel so much better if we had a goal, a target to move eventually, so I had something to cling onto but I am at the end of my tether with his lack of action and sense of passiveness.

I think he needs more than counselling though. I think he needs proper CBT (cognative behavioural therapy) that is more focussed on changing the way you react to situations so you handle them better, not just identifying and talking about causes of behaviour. That will help him move on from knowing he needs to change, to giving him the tools to be able to actually do that change.

Are you in the UK? If so, he should go to his GP and ask to be referred. On the NHS it can take around 6 months as the waiting lists are so long, but it will be free and long term and shoudl really help.

His parents sound utterly toxic.

You say that you were advised by a previous counsellor to have boundaries, but that your husband forgets them.

I wouldnt let him forget. Stick reminders all over the place. Paper reminders where he can see them. Computer reminders. Reminders in the car. Whatever and whereever, and how many ever.
I wouldnt let him have the excuse that he "forgot".

Why can't you walk away?
Are you in negative equity?
Your DH really need to not accept anything from them.
You both need to cut them out totally.
But... from the sounds of it - your DH just doesn't have the back bone to carry that one through.
This situation has changed you. Changed who you are.
You need to really try to get out for a while and get back to who you should be.
This is no good for you at all and probably not good for your DC.
Try to work out an exit plan.
This will just keep grinding you down otherwise.

I didnt know you could get it for free babyheave, even to be put on the waiting list for that would be a step forward!

Yes Yellow, the problem is he cannot express himself and all his family go through his parents and his DM is always crying about him, or was now I imagine its about the GC. So when they visit, if DH wants to see them, its through them all the time. He has started to put foot down now, and say they are welcome here but he is not going to his family home to see them. They usually do not come then to us!

Its easier to say OK F off then to uncles and aunts not that close too but his DGM came and he thought she was visiting us then she refused to come giving some lame excuse, she is old, his last GP so he felt compelled to go and see her and I feel this was "morally" the right thing to do but then it means he has is there with his DP who seize the opportunity to put tentacles round him. Then his DF is nice to him, in a trivial pathetic way and DH falls back into the they are not so bad.....

After 9 years of constant complications and problems with them, I have learnt - they wil never change and yes they are that bad.

I hate the DFIL coming to our door. If he catches me un awares I just do not think I could be polite to him anymore, he makes me cringe, makes me angry, makes me nervous, then of course he will use that as more excuse of ME and my behaviours! Then my DD see's me upset and its because of them!