Why lie over something trivial

[flippingebay]

Ok, I know you shouldn't lie full stop but why do some people do it when they really don't need to?

My friend is awful for this and I just don't understand why. She's funny, friendly, great to be around and my best mate in every manner except she lies!! And it's getting to be a deal breaker for me.

I sent her a pair of gloves via royal mail (recorded delivery) a few weeks ago. I knew she hasn't been able to get to the post office to collect them for a week or so. I asked her yesterday if she'd got them - 'yes thanks, jobs a good un' she responded.

I get home last night and a neighbour brings around a parcel - it's the gloves sent back as she hadn't been able to collect them.

Why why why would she do this??? I'd give her the benefit of the doubt normally, maybe she was embarassed she'd not had time to collect them etc (clutching at straws). Trouble is this isn't the first time she's lied about something really daft. I'm not scary, it's not a problem, i'd have sent them back to her or given them when i next saw her (but she did ask me to post them).

I just find it all a bit odd. I dont' know what to say to her now...

Why not just ask her why she lied?

Communicate with her

I've asked her before why she does it and she's always said she doesn't know and it won't happen again....

I'd raise it again, each and every time she lies. Confront these lies, there has to be a deeper reason for her lying, maybe conditioned in her, but other than the lies, is she a good friend? Is it worth losing your friendship over?

She's clearly a people pleaser.
Ironic as it is, these little lies are to avoid your hurt feelings that she has been really careless to not go and pick up the gloves when you had so kindly sent them for her

I have a friend like this. She was my best friend growing up. She is also a pathological liar. It's heartbreaking actually.

The lies started in the last year or two of high school and continued throughout university and after. It completely ruined our friendship because I couldn't ever trust a word she said. We are still in touch and see each other every once in a while (she lives in South Africa now) and I think the lying has improved a bit but I can never be sure. I have tried in the past to call her on her lies but there is always an excuse, a reason, an explanation, and she gets this faraway kind of deer-in-the-headlights kind of look in her eyes and will never admit to lying. I honestly think she can't help it or she really believes herself that she is not lying. That's where the pathological bit comes in IMO.

I think it really all started in high school when we didn't get into the same program at university. I got in and got a scholarship but she didn't get an offer - not even from the same uni but a different program. She ended up going to her (our) second choice but made up all this stuff about how she really did get actually a better scholarship than me to the first uni, but turned it down, and actually she had changed her mind, and her mum wouldn't let her go....

The funny thing is that my parents and her parents are very close friends and i knew it was a huge pile of shit.

The same thing kept happening over and over again and now I give up.

I believe she has lied in her professional life too. I know for a fact that she never graduated from university and yet I am almost certain that her employer thinks she has a degree.

It is a huge shame because she is a wonderful person apart from all of that. OP just like your friend she is smart, funny, beautiful, fun to be around. She could still be my best friend if it weren't for the lying.

Sorry for such a long essay!

Sort of like the Lernaean Hydra - you call her on a lie, and two more grow in its place to try to justify the first lie. It's exhausting.

But I have NEVER said to her, why do you lie so much? I don't know why I never challenged her that way.

OP please really do try to talk to your friend because otherwise you will end up like me with a lot of regret over your lost friendship. You might be able to nip it in the bud.

Good luck

I just asked her about it via email, as she emailed me about something else.

Her story has changed to 'her flat mate had the post office ticket and was supposed to pick them up for her as she's been away this weekend. She hasn't 'actually' seen the gloves, but presumed they were at home

I know I should have rung her and waited to hear the tone in her voice. She has lost partners over this, or at least they've picked up on it too. I honestly think she probably needs to talk to a proffessional about it. I know her Mum does it too for an easy life with her Dad. I think this is where it originates from. I just find it daft for her to do this as it creates problems that wouldn't exist otherwise.

I think there are several reasons people habitually lie:

1. Out of laziness and to avoid hassle - if it's easier to tell a lie than to go into a convoluted explanation about something, they will just lie
2. To make themselves look better
3. To make someone happy (sometimes a variation of no. 1)

Also, some people just don't want to be honest, not particularly because they want to deceive someone but they feel vulnerable about being honest all the time or something. It's weird.