I am pi**ed off that financial split is not 50% or more.

[Threeandjustme]

Married 10 years, together for 13 with three children.
Husband left - no reason.
No fights only occasional disagreements. No money problems or serious work stress. Intimate 2 days before he left.

He just did not like the responsibility and lack of freedom caused by family life.

I have given up career at his request as he was not willing to share in household duties, DIY, garden work, car maintinence or child care but he was happy to support us well financially.
He just went to work and dabbled in family life as and when it suited him, frequently refusing to join us on holiday or days out.

Now I only get 50 % of what was amalgamated during our marriage. Every thing else is his alone, including an inheritance from his family 7 years ago and an investment I helped with prior to marriage.
I contributed all my savings - not insubstantial unless compared to his wealth.

He gets three times what I will get and 3 times the income and still does no child care other than visiting them and a half day outing once a week!

To rub salt in the wound he has an expected inheritance 10 times what I will get from parents.

I am luckier than some as will have a substantial deposit for an average family home but it does not seem fair that I will still have financial stress and full responsibility for children when he is so wealthy with good income he does not need, no responsibilities and a very good financial future.

If you contributed all your savings and there is a gain then the financial settlement should take that into account, I would have thought. Speak to your solicitor before you agree anything. Don't believe your ex's word on it.

A solicitor is obviously better placed to say whether this is fair from a legal perspective.

Coming from a different angle, money isn't the only way of keeping score about who's doing well in life. Instead of thinking of the dcs in terms of costs and obligations, why not look on it as a "win" in that you get the genuine life satisfaction of a deep relationship with each of them?

I can understand that this might come across as irritating and sanctimonious, and I'm sorry. I do get that children are expensive and not a constant source of pleasure! But it's impossible not to lapse into cliche - there are some things that money can't buy!

I feel for you, I was in a similar position after 17 years of marriage.
I also appreciate your post because I see a lot of misguided posts on MN with posters urging the OP to 'take the bastard to the cleaners'. That rarely happens and perpetates an urban myth.

I was told that the usual pointer for a 50/50 split of everything, including before marriage, is the couple being married for 20 years. I'd be interested to hear if you've been advised the same.

"Speak to your solicitor before you agree anything. Don't believe your ex's word on it".

Absolutely agree with this. Make sure you're getting the best possible advice and dont believe a word exH comes out with. Also when completing the financial declarations, try to go through his with a fine tooth comb. I know that mine lied, I just can't prove it.

Thanks biblio.

I am well aware that I have something far more precious.
The unconditional love of my children and rather than throwing money at them I will give them my unconditional love, lots of time and a good example on how to live your life.

This is the solicitors opinion in regard to finances.
I think my husband never intended to stay so has protected HIS MONEY well.
He lied about his intentions to me so will be lying to the solicitors too.
If it is worth having it is worth working for and I do not resent the efforts it takes to raise my children but am put out that he gets off with little cost in anyway.
Not that I plan to force him to be a father to the children when he obviously does not want to be.

He will presumably need to continue to pay child maintenance, and possibly to support you?

I thought that you were usually entitled to a higher share of equity in the house if you will continue to house the children?

Has your solicitor looked at pensions etc?

Hopefully he wil do the decent thing wrt his children in his will and you can be secure in the knowledge that they will get a fair share of his wealth in the longer term.

Sorry to say, though, that I wouldn't be surprised if a long-term OW doesn't crawl out of the woodwork.

Really sorry you are in this situation, OP.

Will you get child support on top of that?

Is it a clean break or will you get spousal maintenance?

Personally, I think inheritance should be for the person inheriting only, not spouses.

I also agree that people should split what they earned during the marriage, not what they had before.

That's the marital regime I chose (not UK).

However, in your case, as you will keep the children overnight the entire year, you should get substantial child maintenance.
And as you have stayed at home (at his request?) and lost potential earnings, you should also be entitled to spouse maintenance.
I suppose it could be negotiated to include a larger percentage of assets.

You say "the" solicitor, do you mean yours or his? You do need your own legal representation, who needs to be a specialist or at least well experienced in family/divorce law. I got divorced at the same time as two colleagues at work, and they both felt severely stitched up by their own (very expensive) solicitors, whilst my much cheaper one did much better for me. You need to be confident your legal advisor is 100% on your side.

I don't understand why you are only entitled to 50%?

I am divorcing my exH due to his adultery - we were married for 11 years, I am a SAHM & our DD's are 8 & almost 2.

My solicitor has advised that I should go for 70-80% of the equity of our house - my position is strong as DD2 is so young & my earning potential is nowhere near exH's. No decent pension for me to access either.

I am also going for spousal maintanence too.

As for the 50/50 split - that is only a starting point. If your exH earns well & you do not, his percentage should drop & yours should go up to make it fair & equal. After all, you are the main carer for your children & childcare costs/working is harder for you to do. He has the freedom to work when he likes.

I would have expected a 50/50 split if I had grown up children or no children. You should at the very least be getting 60/40....

How old are you children?

blu & moonfacebaby Read this which explains the principles the courts follow when deciding how to split marital assets. The courts have to make sure the children are accommodated (and therefore the resident parent) first, and sometimes that necessitates deviating from an equal split.

We are going for 70/30.

OP? A forensic accountant will cost you about £900.

Either get a second opinion or request Counsel's advice. Not all family solicitors are expert at financial remedies, the experience and advice varies greatly.

OP regardless of what others think and that includes your solicitor for the moment - what do you think is fair for your split?

or put another way - what would you like to happen now?

for example would you like a 60-50% split in your favour and a part of his pension?

would you like a 70% 30% split and nothing of his pension?

or would you like the house and nothing else but child support?

Different people see and would like different things.

i would rather forgo pension and spousal maintenance and have the house outright even if that means having to the rest of the mortgage - as he can't change that but with the pension and spousal he may try to change that in court over the year or just not pay.

"OP? A forensic accountant will cost you about £900."

Invaluable advice that I wish I'd known at the time. My exH managed to hide a lot, including a property overseas.

Also OP, the advice for Counsel is spot on. It cost me an extra £1500 but gained me an extra £25k. Well worth it.

I am just about to finalise my divorce after two years.

I have been totally shafted. I've ended up with 30%. He spent tens of thousands of solicitors and accountants and I would have been entitled to legal aid - but missed it.

I cannot buy a house. I can barely make ends meet. He has 50% childcare so doesn't pay maintenance.

He always said he would get me and he has. I've never hated anyone so much.

A good solicitor is worth their weight in gold. I did well in my settlement, married 22 years, four kids. Got all the house/equity and one of his pensions. Divorced on grounds of UB. Had to fight for it, but got a good deal. A big bargaining point was that I put my career on hold to support him in his, and bring up young family. Get legal advice, and don't see just one solicitor - get one you really trust and preferably is recommended. Got mine through CAB. She cost a fortune - but got me more than I hoped for. It isn't all about money - but when there are kids, you need to make them and their welfare and security first. Good luck.

My solicitor has asked me to find out how much my pension would have been if I had continued full time instead of taking time out for DC and then part time. You invested in family life with your time. Id get another opinion.

Yes Blue is right - I lost pension contributions too and they took this into account. Get another opinion. Shop around. Time spent carefully now might be worth a lot long term.

My ex wants 50/50 and has said that's all ill get.
My solicitor says he's taking the piss.

It's very difficult to know what to do and who to believe so I understand your difficult position

Thanks for all the advice.
I think I may be best to change solicitors as was not impressed in the attitude of mine. Did not seem aggressive enough.
It is the inherited money and private investments which seem not to count. He has paid very little off the mortgage.
It seems I am due 25% of his income but it is likely that he will choose not to work. He doesn't need to to support himself.

Mosschops I wish I'd given up at the beginning

Mine went hell for leather to get everything he wanted and he spent 20% of everything on solicitors

I saw various solicitors who all said I'd get more - but it's in their interests to say that

I am now utterly broken and a worse person for starting this

I wish I'd walked away with 50%

I couldn't bear to let him 'win' but he won anyway